How to Make Friends: ADHD Social Skills & Activities

A Dad’s Role in Modeling Social Skills

Carly Broadway — Wed, 10 May 2023 09:15:02 +0000

I cringed when I heard my nine-year-old son saying to a group of his peers at wrestling practice, “Excuse me. Excuse me.” The boys look perplexed. Why would a kid their age say “excuse me” to them? This was certainly not something I taught him; rather, he learned this in his social skills group at school.

When I realized my son needed help cultivating and sustaining friendships, I looked for a social skills program but found nothing specifically for boys with ADHD. There were plenty of these groups in our area, but most featured well-meaning female clinicians or guidance counselors teaching formal etiquette and scripted communication that did not resemble the way boys talk to each other. “How are you doing today?” “What are your hobbies?” When boys speak in that way, as my son had done at wrestling practice, it comes across as inauthentic. I know this because I was a boy, and I’ve worked with hundreds throughout my career as a school social worker, therapist, and camp director who runs programs for boys with ADHD.

When kids with ADHD struggle socially, their inability to read social cues isn’t the problem. Instead, they more likely have lagging and inconsistent use of social executive function (SEF) skills, which we use to understand others’ thoughts and feelings. These SEF skills help us know how we’re coming across to others, how to read a room (or situational awareness), how to initiate and end conversations, and how to use humor appropriately.

Building Boys’ Social Savvy

When fathers call me about their son’s social difficulties, they tend to talk much more than mothers do, perhaps because this is the first time they’re speaking to another man about this challenge. During these conversations, I find that most parents don’t see the connection between ADHD and lagging social skills. (In fact, I’ve heard a lot lately about kids who were misdiagnosed with autism because of their difficulty with SEF.) I explain the important role that male role models play in helping boys improve SEF skills; and the differentiated and valuable perspective they bring to their sons because they understand how boys’ friendships evolve and how boys communicate when adults aren’t around.

I want each father to understand that his son’s emotional awkwardness, and difficulty understanding how he’s coming across to others, is neither a choice nor apathy. These are skills he is still developing, and he is most likely several years behind his peers’ emotional maturity because ADHD is an executive function developmental delay.

[Download: Solving Behavior Problems Rooted in Executive Function Deficits]

When boys with ADHD struggle socially, their fathers often resort to lecturing, telling their sons what they’re doing wrong. In turn, their sons typically become argumentative or defensive because they truly don’t understand how they’re coming across to their peers. The defensiveness is often a result of their shame, knowing that they have a harder time connecting with their peers but not knowing why.

Tips for Dads

Here are a few tactics for dads, and other male role models, to help boys improve socially:

Cite successes. ADHD brains live in the present. Kids do not think about how to cultivate and sustain friendships when they’re not around their peers. Point out situations when your child showed another boy that he wanted to be friends and kept that friendship going.

Describe healthy friendships. Say what it means to be a good friend as well as when to end friendships that have become hurtful. Many of the boys I’ve worked with were quick to latch on to other boys who showed interest in them. I’ve seen boys cling to friendships when they’re not being treated well out of desperation for friends, or for inclusion in a peer group. In my school-year programs and in summer camp, I share stories about when I was growing up to give the boys examples of good friends I’ve had, and times I’ve had to cut off a friendship.

[Read: Help Your Child Forge Lasting Friendships]

Raise awareness of patterns. Teach boys to understand how they come across to others. In Socially Smarter, my parent training program to build SEF, I depict a sequence of events: your child’s words, another person’s response to those words, and your child’s thoughts and feelings about their peer’s response. Parents can discuss why the interaction worked, or didn’t work, and how future communications can be improved.

Teach tolerance. Being part of a peer group means being flexible. If your child is invited to go bowling, he should go, even if he doesn’t like bowling. He was invited because someone wants to spend time with him. If he says “no” whenever he doesn’t like the activity, he may stop getting invited to outings because the other kids might assume he’s not interested in spending time with them.

Give praise. Kids can’t learn what they should be doing if we don’t praise them for what they’re doing well. That’s why it’s important to offer recognition of and praise for behaviors we do want, such as thinking about others, being flexible, and putting effort into social relationships.

The ADHD executive function liabilities are not gender-specific. Girls with ADHD struggle too. But I don’t teach girls because I did not have the experience of growing up female.

Just as girls need friendships with girls, boys need friendships with boys. They do not need social skills groups or role playing; research shows that clinic-based social skills groups offer no benefit to kids with ADHD. Boys need male role models to help them understand social communication and how friendships evolve between males.

Social Skills & ADHD: Next Steps

Download: Questions to Get Your Child Talking
Watch: The Social Lives of Boys with ADHD
Read: What Parents Misunderstand About Executive Function
Read: 10 Hard (But Essential) Truths for Dads of Boys with ADHD

Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker, former school social worker, and father to a son with ADHD. He creates content at the ADHD Dude YouTube channel. Learn more at www.adhddude.com.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

How Parental Alienation Harms ADHD Families

Melanie Wachsman — Mon, 08 May 2023 09:01:30 +0000

When Nadine Vogel* got divorced, she rented a four-bedroom house so each of her children, ages 14, 16, and 18, could have their own room when they came to visit as her custody agreement dictated — one night a week and on alternating weekends. Except her children rarely came. And when they did, they were often angry and suspicious, repeating their father’s accusations about Vogel. That she was crazy. That her efforts to seek treatment for their ADHD — all three kids had been diagnosed with the condition — proved she over-medicated them. That she was trying to cut off the kids from their dad. That she was not to be trusted.

“In his senior year, my son started drinking, doing drugs, and not going to school,” says Vogel, who lives near Washington, D.C. “They didn’t let him graduate. My kids were all suffering.”

What Is Parental Alienation?

What Vogel and her kids experienced is called parental alienation, a form of emotional abuse so profound its effects on children can last a lifetime. Parental alienation happens when a child aligns with one parent and rejects the other, without justification, due to manipulation by the favored parent. This typically occurs during high-conflict divorces. Methods of manipulation include badmouthing the targeted parent, limiting contact, and interfering with communication.

”We Don’t Talk About It”

A study, published recently in The Children and Youth Services Review found that more than 3.8 million children were affected by parental alienation.¹ These numbers, as devastating as they are, may not reflect the full scope of the problem because “it’s shameful and heartbreaking, so we don’t talk about it,” says Danielle Silverman,* a New York City mother who has been alienated from her three kids, ages 22, 23, and 28, for several years. “It reflects on you, even if you know you did nothing to deserve it.”

Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D., co-author of Surviving Parental Alienation: A Journey of Hope and Healing (#CommissionsEarned), emphasizes that catching alienating behaviors early, when it’s easier to treat children effectively, is critical. “A mildly alienated child comes back after spending time with the other parent; they may be a little suspicious, cold, wary, but that distrust only lasts an hour. It might take a full week for a moderately alienated child to warm up. Severely alienated children are shut down the whole time they’re with the targeted parent — or they don’t come [to see them] at all,” she says.

[Click to Download: 13-Step Guide to Raising a Child with ADHD]

It’s important to note that, to establish whether a child is being alienated, experts must determine that the targeted parent has not committed abuse or neglect, as the other parent may have alleged.

“Your Dad’s in a Cult”

Crystal Shivers was five when her mother told her that her father was in a cult that killed people. She said it wasn’t safe for Crystal to talk to him or any of his family. This story wasn’t true. “I remember being so sad,” says Shivers, who reunited with her father as an adult. “I missed out on relationships with my cousins, aunts, uncles, extended family, grandparents. It was a huge and heavy burden to carry.”

Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., author of The Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict (#CommissionsEarned), and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, says children in alienation situations often suffer from depression and anxiety and have difficulty trusting themselves and others. They also suffer from guilt, low self-esteem, impulse control, and academic challenges. The emotional abuse is usually invisible to teachers, social workers, and even family court judges involved in custody hearings, according to a report by the National Center for State Courts.²

“Your child is out to sea. They’re being pushed underwater,” Coleman says. “You have to be the lighthouse on the shore that’s always on.”

[Self-Test: Does My Child Have Generalized Anxiety Disorder?]

Parental Alienation: Warning Signs

Examples of parental alienation behaviors include:

telling a child that their targeted parent does not love them
saying, or implying, that the targeted parent is dangerous
asking a child to spy on the targeted parent or keep secrets from them
withholding medical, academic, and other important information about the child from the targeted parent

When You’re the Target of Parental Alienation

Look at your own behavior: Is there anything you can change about how you’re relating to the co-parent to avoid triggering them?
Don’t argue with your child about the lies being leveled against you. Do everything you can to make your time together pleasant.
Document every instance of alienating behavior in the event you need to hire a family lawyer, preferably one knowledgeable about parental alienation.
Learn about coping strategies from organizations such as the Parental Alienation Study Group and the National Coalition Against Parental Alienation.

Parental Alienation: Next Steps

Read: When Parents Disagree About ADHD Medications
Q&A: “How Do I Manage Inconsistent Routines and Discipline in a Shared Custody Situation?”
Free Download: Take Charge of Your Child’s Medication

*Vogel and Silverman asked that their names be changed.

Nicole Kear is Consumer Health Editor at ADDitude.

Sources

¹Harman, J. J., Leder-Elder, S., & Biringen, Z. (2019). Prevalence of Adults who are the Targets of Parental Alienating Behaviors and Their Impact: Results from Three National Polls. Child & Youth Services Review. 106, 1-13. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2019.104471

² Lewis, Ken. (2020) Parental Alienation Can Be Emotional Child Abuse. NCSC Trends in State Courts https:www.ncsc.org/__data/assets/pdf_file/0014/42152/parental_alienation_Lewis.pdf

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication

How to Prepare for Summer Camp: A Checklist for Kids

Nathaly Pesantez — Thu, 13 Apr 2023 09:57:00 +0000

You’ve registered your child for camp this summer. Awesome. Now what?

Whether your child is attending a specialty, day, or overnight camp, the path to success begins well before they step foot on camp grounds. Beyond packing the essentials, you can do a lot to mentally and emotionally prepare your camper for the experience ahead, especially if your child is nervous and/or going to an overnight camp for the first time.

But your child isn’t the only one who needs to prepare. You do, too. Setting up your kid for a summer of growth means taking a step back to let them experience camp as fully and as independently as possible.

Follow these steps to get your child ready for an unforgettable summer camp experience.

1. Tour the Camp and Meet the Staff

Most day and overnight camps offer open houses. If you or your child didn’t get a feel for the camp’s physical space before signing up for camp, try to squeeze this in before camp starts, especially if your child is feeling anxious. Your child can also meet staff members along the way — another plus. Most camps publish photos of the layout and of staff on their websites or social channels, so be sure to check those out, too.

An open house my offer your child a chance to meet a helpful point person, like a guidance counselor or a unit leader, to whom they can speak if they need help during their time at camp.

[Haven’t Signed Up for Camp Yet? Ask These 6 Questions to a Prospective Camp]

2. Review Camp Chores and Duties

Be sure to inquire about the camp’s expectations for chores and/or cleanup, especially if your child is staying at an overnight camp. Ask, “What happens during bunk cleanup, and what skills my child work on before they head to camp so they can participate in cleanup time?”

Even if your child does work on these skills in advance, please know that camps understand and expect that many campers will need help performing chores and cleanup activities.

3. Understand How the Camp Manages Medication

Tell the camp about your child’s medication needs and ask how they’ll ensure a steady and reliable medication schedule. Many overnight camps have campers’ medications pre-packaged and sent directly to camp to easily dispense and manage by the time camp starts.

If you’re thinking of an ADHD medication vacation for your child during camp, think again. Like school, camp makes many demands that require your child’s full attention and symptom control. As a camp director, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen kids’ camp experiences not go as planned because their parents decided to give them a medication break. Avoid making medication adjustments right before camp starts or during camp, too. Bottom line: Camp is not the time for a medication vacation.

[Read: Skill-Building Ideas from ADHD Camps]

4. Respect the Camp-to-Home Communication Policy

If your child is attending a day camp, be sure to only contact the camp when absolutely necessary. Avoid helicopter parenting. Camps can tell — and do not appreciate it — when parents try to micromanage their child’s camp experience. (Read more about this in section seven below.) If you do need get in touch with a day camp, expect to speak to a member of the camp’s administrative staff, not to the camp’s counselors (who may be high school or college-age teens or young adults).

Many overnight camps allow campers to phone home only after their first week, when campers have adjusted to the new experience and overcome homesickness. Review this policy with your child and set ground rules (if they aren’t laid out in camp policies) about how often you’ll keep in touch. On your end, respect the camp’s communication policies, too. Do not call the camp demanding to speak with your child.

Many overnight camps also require campers to write home. Do not be alarmed if your child complains of their camp experience in their letters, especially if they weren’t thrilled about attending camp. As a child, even I used to write negative letters home at the beginning of overnight camp. Why? Because I was uncomfortable and I wanted my parents to worry about me. (My parents never responded to these negative letters.) But I always got through it — and your child will, too.

5. Remind Your Child to Drink Water

If your child takes stimulant medication, remember that dehydration is a common side effect, which can be of particular concern during summer camp. Let the camp know of this so they can help your child stay hydrated. It’s also good to check in with your child before they leave for camp; remind them that headaches, crankiness, and/or tiredness could all be signs that they need to drink more water. Insulated water bottles that keep water cold for hours are particularly useful at camp. (Just don’t buy an expensive one in case your child loses it.)

6. Set Clear Expectations

The camp experience is, at least in part, about learning how to be part of a group. That said, your child should arrive at camp with the following expectations:

They will take part in activities and interact with other kids. Encourage your child to join activities they find fun and interesting, and let the camp know ahead of time if your child needs a bit of nudging to participate. (The camp shouldn’t force your child to join everything, but it’s also not a good idea for your child to be allowed to sit out of all events.)
They will not be on their device during the camp day. Be sure to talk to your child ahead of time about the camp’s electronics policy, especially if unplugging from devices is already a battle.
Camp is a learning experience… and not all learning experiences are comfortable. Camps strive to create a positive experience for all, but problems and conflict may still arise. Some campers may not get along, or there might be misunderstandings. Rather than tell your child that camp is utopia, keep it realistic by saying that things may come up and, if they do, there’s always someone at camp they can go to if they need help.

7. Reassure Your Child — and Yourself — That They’ll Do Well at Camp

In my time as a camp director, I’ve seen firsthand how some parents — unable to allow their child to have an independent experience at camp — end up sabotaging their child’s camp experience altogether.

If you want your child to do well in camp, convey your confidence in their ability to succeed in a new environment, even if they don’t feel confident about going to camp, and especially if you are anxious or worried for them.

Avoid saying things like, “If you don’t like it, you don’t have to stay.” Rescuing your child from the temporary discomfort of a new experience robs them of the opportunity to grow and learn about their abilities. Your child is resilient; lean into this truth to set them up for success.
Don’t make your child feel guilty for going to camp. Repeatedly saying things like “I can’t wait until you’re home” could make your child feel guilty for having an independent experience. At all costs, do not make your child feel responsible for any difficult feelings you may be having about their camp experience.
Focus on the positive. Ask, “What was fun at camp today?” or “What activities did you do?” instead of fishing for the negatives with questions like, “Was anybody mean to you today?” or “What bad things did you not like doing at camp?” Focusing on the negative will only teach your child to do the same.
What if things don’t work out? Have a backup plan for the summer if you have concerns about your child’s camp experience. Should your initial plans fall apart, explain to your child that not every camp will be a perfect fit, and that there’s always next summer to try again.

Summer Camp Tips: Next Steps

Free Download: A Sample Letter to Introduce Your Child to Camp Counselors
Read: The Complete ADHD Camp Guide
Read: How to Help Your Child Make Friends & Fully Participate in Summer Camp

The content for this article was derived, in part, from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Choosing the Best Summer Camps for Your ADHD Child: A Guide for Parents [Video Replay & Podcast #442] with Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, which was broadcast on February 16, 2023.

Live Webinar on June 6: Teen Bullying Solutions: Help for Neurodivergent Adolescents

Carly Broadway — Wed, 12 Apr 2023 18:08:27 +0000

Register to reserve your spot for this free webinar and webinar replay ►

Not available June 6? Don’t worry. Register now and we’ll send you the replay link to watch at your convenience.

Adolescents with ADHD are more likely to experience bullying for a variety of reasons, including missing social cues, blurting out in class, struggling academically, having difficulty making friends, displaying a lack of empathy, being clumsy or having poor impulse control, and associating with peers who are more likely to engage in bullying. Students in middle and high school may even believe they bring bullying on themselves due to their inappropriate behavior.

The effects of bullying can be devastating. Adolescents who are bullied experience negative mental health outcomes, including depression and anxiety, that can last into adulthood.

In this webinar, you will learn about:

Research suggesting adolescents with ADHD are more likely to experience bullying

Predictors of bullying

How to identify the signs of bullying

Strategies to prevent further bullying

Approaches to use if your child is the bully

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

Meet the Expert Speaker:

Dr. Rosanna Breaux is a licensed clinical psychologist, director of the Virginia Tech Child Study Center, and Assistant Professor of Psychology. Her research focuses on the social, emotional, and academic functioning of children and adolescents, particularly those with ADHD. Dr. Breaux is also working to evaluate and disseminate the RELAX intervention, which targets emotion dysregulation and interpersonal conflict in adolescents.

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Play Attention: NASA Inspired technology that improves executive function & self-regulation. For over 25 years PLAY ATTENTION has been helping children and adults thrive and succeed. Tufts University School of Medicine found Play Attention significantly improved attention, executive function, academic performance and behavioral control of ADHD students. Your program will include a Lifetime Membership and a Personal Executive Function Coach to customize your plan along the way. Home and professional programs available. Call 828-676-2240 or click here for our FREE eBooks on Executive Function, Anxiety, Self-Regulation, Mindfulness, and more! | www.playattention.com

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

Closed captions available.

Free Template: Introduce Your Child to Camp Counselors

Melanie Wachsman — Sun, 26 Mar 2023 09:20:37 +0000

Summer camp can be a tremendous confidence builder for kids with ADHD. The right camp experience pushes kids in all the right directions — toward new friendships, new challenges, and new perspectives.

However, when a camp doesn’t understand ADHD, children can face unfortunate consequences ranging from not participating in activities and loneliness to being asked to leave. Parents often don’t realize that an overnight camp is ill-equipped to support their children until it is too late.

Parents can proactively set up their children for success by using this sample letter to make introductions early and effectively with camp counselors and staff. In this download, you will learn the following:

How to format a letter to your child’s summer camp counselor

How to inform camp staff about your child’s ADHD presentation

Strategies camp counselors can employ to improve your child’s participation at camp

Ways camp counselors encourage friendships with your child

Best practices to help an irritable child at camp

And more!

NOTE: This resource is for personal use only.

“The ‘Who Am I?’ Game That’s Ideal for Neurodivergent Brains”

Nathaly Pesantez — Sun, 26 Feb 2023 10:04:24 +0000

I played a simple yet rousing guessing game recently that I kept thinking would be great for my students with ADHD and other learning differences.

The game has many versions and names, including “Who Am I?” and Guess the Famous Person. We simply know it as the Tape Game. It’s sort of like HedBanz, but also a bit like Twenty Questions. Players ask one another yes/no questions to try to guess the identity of the mystery person whose name has been taped to their foreheads.

Not only is this game easy to engage in, but the only supplies needed are painter’s tape and a permanent marker. (For better contrast, a neon color tape and black marker would be best.) Read on to learn how to play — and why this game is perfect for neurodivergent minds.

How to Play the “Who Am I?” Game (aka the Tape Game)

Put a piece of painter’s tape (about three inches long) on each player’s forehead.

On the tape, write the name of a famous person or character that the tape wearer would be able to guess. Think well-known celebrity, actor, athlete, movie character, politician, historical figure, etc.

Everyone stands or sits in a circle. The tape-wearer can only ask yes/no questions to try to guess the name on their forehead. If the answer to the question posed is yes, the tape-wearer gets to ask another question. If the answer is no, the next player takes a turn either asking questions or guessing the identity on their forehead.

Players can rip their tape off (triumphantly) when they’ve guessed the correct answer.

[Read: The Best Board Games for Kids with ADHD]Here’s an example of the Tape Game in real time:

Tape wearer #1, who doesn’t know that the name Lizzo is written on his head: Am I female?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #1: Am I an actress?
Audience: No.

Tape wearer #2, who doesn’t know that the name Bernie Sanders is written on his head: Am I alive?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #2: Am I a politician?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #2: Am I liberal?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #2: Am I Joe Biden?
Audience: No.

Tape wearer #1: Am I a singer?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #1: Am I Taylor Swift?
Audience: No.

Tape wearer #2: Am I Bernie Sanders?
Audience: Yes!
[She rips off the tape and enjoys watching others flail with their guesses.]

[Read: 15 Clever Gift Ideas for Kids with ADHD]

Tape wearer #1: Do I play an instrument?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #1: Am I Lizzo?
Audience: Yes!
[Off goes the tape!]

What is particularly funny are the facial expressions, inadvertent comments, and minor disputes that arise when answering questions. The audience or players might disagree on fundamental details like age, nationality, or supernatural powers, which causes confusion in the person trying to guess the name Baby Yoda or soccer legend Pelé on their head.

Why The “Who Am I?” Game is Great for Kids with ADHD and Learning Differences

For My ADHD Students

This game promotes concentration, awareness, language processing, working memory, and self-regulation.

Players must carefully attend to other players’ responses to their questions. They need to notice, for example, if there’s a hesitation before a response, which offers important insight into the secret character. (This happened to me when I had E.T. on my head and I asked if my person was male).

Players have to remember all the clues they’ve collected and organize their thinking to accommodate new information. (Wait, now I’m hearing that I’m not a human!)

Players have to stop themselves from blurting out other players’ secret identities or giving unnecessary hints — unlike my friend who couldn’t help herself and pantomimed pointy ears when my husband’s character was Spock.

For My Autistic Students

This game taps into perspective-taking and gestalt principles.

Assigning an identity to a player isn’t about selecting an obscure person. (It’s no fun that way.) The fun is in selecting someone in their purview – which requires some thought about the player’s background, age, and other factors. I probably wouldn’t write down Nelson Mandela for an 8-year old or Eminem for an 80-year old.

Players have to think “big picture” — not the shades of nuance and myriad exceptions — when answering yes/no questions from other players. Yes, Oprah has technically been paid to write, but she is not primarily known to be a writer. So, if someone with Oprah on their forehead asks, “Am I a writer?” I need to know that a “yes” answer would lead that guesser down a very different path.

For My Language-Disordered Students

This game is great for semantic categorization skills and lexical development.

Players start their yes/no questions with broad categories like gender, race, and profession to further narrow their categories. (Don’t start off by listing all the most handsome actors, like my husband did: “Am I Brad Pitt? George Clooney? Idris Elba?”)

Players develop important vocabulary so they can ask if they are fictional or nonfictional, an athlete, or infamous. The teacher or game leader can target morphosyntactic skills such as verb conjugations (“Does she…?” not “Do she…?”), subject-verb inversions (“Am I…? not “I am…?”), modal verbs (“can, do, would, could”), etc. For similar but different reasons, this would be great for English language learners as well.

Another great feature of this game is its adaptability to accommodate a range of abilities. Taping images or stickers to the forehead (instead of simply writing over the tape) is a suitable option for players who are non-readers or for students with significant cognitive and/or communication delays. If the guesser has an image of a dolphin on their forehead, for example, other players will have a visual reference to help guide their responses.

For all the older people like me, the game seems to highlight memory issues to a comedic level. Some of us forget all the information by the time our turn resumes. Personally, I draw a blank on the name of every celebrity known to humankind. Many of us do not know the icons that kids assume we do, such as the Minecraft character Enderman that was never correctly guessed by an older woman (ahem, me). For these reasons, I believe this game could be made much more pleasant and less humiliating by offering all manner of gestures, sound effects, rhyming words, quotes, lifelines, phone-a-friends, and multiple-choice answers. I’ll work on a revision of the rules pronto!

Games for Kids with ADHD and LD: Next Steps

Free Download: Bonding Activity Ideas for ADHD Families

Read: The Attention Games — Catching Focus Through Fun

Read: Games and Activities That Sharpen Executive Functions

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

How to Help Your Child Make Friends & Fully Participate in Summer Camp

Nathaly Pesantez — Fri, 17 Feb 2023 01:03:41 +0000
Camps help many kids with ADHD forge friendships and build social skills. But the same social challenges that occur outside of camp — like avoiding certain social settings and refusing to participate in activities — can follow kids to camp. Take these steps to help your child branch out and fully engage in the camp experience.

“Society Still Doesn’t Recognize Grandfamilies:” Grandparents on Raising Grandkids with ADHD

Nathaly Pesantez — Mon, 13 Feb 2023 10:48:36 +0000

Millions of grandparents today are directly involved in raising their grandchildren — a caregiving situation that disproportionately impacts ADHD families. A 2020 study published in Pediatrics found that children living in grandparent-led households are more likely to have ADHD than are children living in parent-led households.¹

Here’s what grandparents told ADDitude about what it’s like to care for their grandkids with ADHD, including their biggest challenges, surprises, and insights on the generation gap.

ADHD Grandfamilies Sound Off

“As a grandparent, I don’t fit in with anyone my own age because my peers’ children are all grown up, and parents of our grandkids are young. I’ve had people say to me, “Where are (my grandkids’) parents? Society still doesn’t recognize grandfamilies and the sacrifices we make.”

“Our challenges are trying to stay current with new medication options, social media, and schools that think ADHD is a behavior issue. The worst bullies are teachers. The generation gap is hard because even though I’m healthy, it’s difficult to keep up with kids who are 50 years younger.”

“The patience needed, which I’m sure a younger person would have more of, is a challenge.”

[Read: When ADHD Is All in the Family]

“We are raising a grandson who is 12 now. We had no idea of the magnitude of issues with ADHD. We’ve had to learn that he isn’t like the kids we were and grew up with in the 1950s and 1960s, and that he is going to say inappropriate and unkind things — some of which he can’t help. It has been a re-education for sure. The flip side is that we love him to pieces.”

“The generation gap is a huge challenge. The world is so different and more dangerous than when I raised my children. A couple of surprises are the social media impact and bullying that tear kids apart. It’s a very tough fight to keep my grandkids emotionally well.”

“I am a grandmother raising my grandson, who has ADHD. My biggest challenges are having the energy for him and handling his impulsive behavior and poor social skills. He can be very sweet but also very controlling and rude. We hope that he will learn skills to make friends and succeed in school and life.”

“The lack of energy and financial resources are the biggest challenges.”

[Read: “Let Me Tell You How ADHD Runs in My Family”]

“I have less energy to do physical things, but I am way more patient and a far better parent than when I raised my own kids. I am more willing to listen and be less reactive.”

“I am a grandparent raising two grandchildren. My granddaughter has ADHD. She is not physically hyperactive, but she is mentally. She wants to be constantly busy. But at my age, I don’t always have the stamina to keep up. By the time I prepare an activity, she asks to do something else and declares everything ‘boring.’ As for surprises, when the children do unexpected kind acts, I know that I am making a difference in their lives.”

ADHD Grandfamilies: Next Steps

Free Download: Bonding Activity Ideas for ADHD Families

Read: Stories of Raising Grandchildren with ADHD

Read: 12 Ways to Build Strong ADHD Families

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

High Expectations — and Frustrations: Stories of Twice Exceptional Students Desperately Seeking Support

Carly Broadway — Fri, 27 Jan 2023 10:48:42 +0000

A 2e student’s high IQ often overshadows or camouflages their neurological or learning challenges — confusing teachers, parents, and clinicians alike. Twice-exceptional students perform above average in one or more subject areas, and below average in others. Accelerated intellectual growth and delayed social-emotional growth are common — and commonly contradictory — characteristics in 2e children. And all of this is quite confounding to everyone.

It’s hard to know the prevalence of twice-exceptionality, but a report from the National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) estimates that 6% of U.S. students receiving special education services are also academically gifted.¹ Patience, persistence, and advocacy are key to improved outcomes for this largely underserved school population.

If your child is twice exceptional, did you first notice their strengths or their weaknesses? We asked ADDitude readers this and more: Did the school system acknowledge and support all the aspects of your child’s learning profile? How does this affect their academic performance and friendships? Scroll down to the Comments section and add to the conversation.

“We recognized the gifted attributes first, which ‘hid’ the ADHD until fifth grade. Teachers have high expectations, but they often do not consider [my daughter’s] ADHD when she forgets something or needs reminders because she performs well. She is still doing well, and they have a great resource department. She has a small group of friends who have ADHD too, and who are also doing extremely well in school.” — An ADDitude Reader

“My 12-year-old son has ADHD, developmental coordination disorder (DCD), and is gifted. The DCD was diagnosed first. The ADHD diagnosis came much later. Because he is bright, an introvert, and not hyperactive or impulsive, he flew under the radar. He does very well in math and reading, but just average on written tasks, which he finds harder because of his motor difficulties and his struggle to make decisions about what to write! He has always had friends but is shy. He finds it hard to initiate social interaction.” — Emily, Australia

[eBook: Signs & Symptoms of Learning Disabilities]

“We had our daughter tested for ADHD after her brother’s diagnosis. We always felt she wasn’t reaching her full potential at school. They came back with a diagnosis of ADHD and giftedness. I think the diagnosis improved her self-esteem and helped her better understand how she learns, but she experiences a big social and academic disconnect. At school, she hangs out with kids on the fringe but takes AP courses. Her classmates are always surprised that she’s smart because they don’t perceive her that way. She feels that many of her teachers don’t, either. She’s a really bright kid who acts impulsively. Luckily, medication and therapy are helping her make better decisions and focus on her future.” — An ADDitude Reader

“Both of my children are 2e and I couldn’t be prouder of that fact! It’s difficult to distinguish which I noticed first, as both were very bright little people who never stopped moving. The ADHD diagnoses came first and helped push toward a 504 Plan. Once they were old enough for thorough testing and evaluation, high intelligence and specific learning disabilities (SLD) were indicated. Before that, though, there were areas of concern that the school consistently dismissed as typical for the age (which was not the case). Once the documentation showed otherwise, the IEP process began for the SLD need, but all ADHD supports were stopped. It wasn’t totally understood by the teachers involved why an IEP was necessary. Their “low” is average and average is what they were aiming for, but it wasn’t allowing the children to reach their potential. With administrative support at a new school, supports to address their attention and focus were added back in and things have been positive overall.” — Rebecca

“I have three gifted children. They’re all amazing, but two of them are 2e. My oldest was recognized as academically gifted in some subject areas, but the inattentive ADHD wasn’t until much later. I was diagnosed first and it became obvious to us that she had it too. It took three years of work and ‘second opinions’ to get a diagnosis at age 17, with only 5 months left of her school life… My youngest 2e child has been recognized by adults as gifted since he was a toddler. Individual teachers would recognize it, but… we had to pay for an external evaluation to get a diagnosis: first of severe dysgraphia, then combined ADHD. The school now acknowledges the diagnoses and provides minimal support for the dysgraphia during assessments only… I am extremely proud of my middle child, but I look at what she has been able to achieve at school and in the community and wonder what the other two could have done, or could be doing, if they received the support they needed.” — Lisa, Australia

“From the time he was 2 or 3 years old, my son’s incredibly bright mind was obvious to me as a parent. Unfortunately, his keen intelligence left me questioning my parenting when he couldn’t do simple things like stay close to me in the grocery store or listen when he was told not to touch something… He thrived academically but had a lot of trouble adapting to all the rules in a classroom. That’s when we knew something wasn’t lining up. He was diagnosed with ADHD in first grade. His psychological evaluation confirmed his high intelligence, but also revealed a rather low processing speed. Suddenly everything made sense, and I cut myself some slack as a parent. There is no perfect place in school for a 2e child, but he is currently thriving in advanced classes with a 504 plan in place. He has healthy friendships with other bright kids, many of whom are a year older than him.” — An ADDitude Reader, Michigan

[Read: Slow Processing Speed — Signs & Solutions for a Misunderstood Deficit]

“Both of my kids are 2e. In the oldest, IQ masked ADHD (without hyperactivity). We didn’t get a diagnosis until things fell apart in sixth grade. It was hard for my child to cope with always being ‘the professor’ who had no trouble in school to suddenly being the kid who couldn’t find homework or keep up with busy work. In my youngest child, ADHD masked her IQ, so school wouldn’t allow her in the gifted program despite testing from a psychologist. The psychologist didn’t want to ‘label’ my child as ADHD until they were in the correct academic setting, so we wasted a lot of time begging for help and cooperation while my child suffered. Now they are both getting what they need and doing well, but it’s sadly always a gamble: Will they get a teacher next year who doesn’t get them and their strengths or needs? Thankfully, both kids have good friends that got them through their difficult times. I wish teachers would be more knowledgeable and aware of 2e kids so it wouldn’t be such a big ordeal.” — An ADDitude Reader

“A few of [my daughter’s] recent teachers don’t understand her ADHD. She has been in gifted or honors classes since middle school and is now a sophomore… They don’t understand how hard it is for her to stay focused long enough to complete her assignments, which are longer in advanced classes. They don’t know how that goes into getting [assignments] done — taking medication in the morning and afternoon at the right time, being able to fall asleep so she can function the next day… Listening to music on her phone with earbuds helps her focus, but that isn’t usually allowed in school. Sending a text to her dad or I about something important before she forgets gets her in trouble. I think she’ll do better in college, where she can control her course load and have more autonomy to take care of her needs. One advantage of her being 2e is that she has a better understanding of her ADHD and how to manage it. This helps her advocate for herself better.” — Kim, California

“My 16-year-old son is 2e. His IQ is over 130, but he also has ADHD… We recognized his 2e diagnosis in second grade. Although he had read most of the books in the Harry Potter series by age 7, his teacher (in a dual language immersion school) said that she did not think he needed any accelerated or differential teaching. He has had particular issues with teachers who were not trained in the U.S. (Latin America and Europe) and his current high school supports are completely teacher dependent. His private college prep school refuses to give him any accommodations around decreasing homework or allowing additional time on assignments due to slow processing speed (he only receives extra time for tests)… Although transferring schools would probably benefit him, he is adamant to stay at this school. He has had substantial issues with friendships. He currently does not have many good, long-term relationships after starting high school and floats from group to group. He has a lot of social anxiety and difficulty ‘reading’ both his peers and school teachers or administrators.”

2e Students and ADHD: Next Steps

Free Download: Fight for Your Child’s Rights at School

Read: Encourage Success, Overcome Struggles

Replay: The 2e Playbook for Nurturing Gifted Students with ADHD

Read: Twice-Exceptional and Thriving — At Last

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹Baird, L. L. (2022, April 20). How to support your twice-exceptional child. U.S. News & World Report. https://www.usnews.com/education/k12/articles/how-to-support-your-twice-exceptional-child

6 Essential Summer Camp Criteria for Kids with ADHD

Melanie Wachsman — Thu, 26 Jan 2023 10:10:38 +0000

The right summer camp experience pushes kids in all the right directions — toward new friendships, new challenges, and new perspectives. In my experience, camp can be a tremendous confidence builder for kids with ADHD, who may otherwise automatically say “no” to anything unfamiliar. Campers are often more receptive to stepping outside of their comfort zones when they’re doing so among a supportive peer group of kids with whom they have no social history. The value of this “social reset,” when it goes well, can’t be overstated.

Of course, we can’t assume things will go well.

Sadly, every year I hear from parents of children with hyperactive/impulsive ADHD who were asked to leave camp. In most cases, the overnight camp was not equipped to support the child — and the parents didn’t realize this until it was too late.

Even campers with inattentive ADHD face unfortunate consequences when a camp doesn’t understand ADHD. Often, these kids are not required to participate in activities and, since they rarely cause problems, they end up wandering around or sitting off to the side alone. That is not the point of camp.

When parents ask me how to evaluate whether a summer camp will serve their kids’ needs and interests, I encourage them to favor programs that involve physical activity, which benefits the body and mind. While some kids with ADHD prefer to sit in front of a screen all day, I do not recommend camps that revolve around screen-based activities.

6 Questions to Ask a Prospective Camp

1. How structured is the camp schedule for my child’s age group?

How much time do campers get to engage in free play or choice activities? Some kids with impulse-control issues do not do well in unstructured camps; “free time” is when they struggle the most.

[Free Guide to Choosing the Perfect Camp for Your Child]

2. Are campers required to participate in activities or can they choose to sit out?

The ideal answer would be that they are strongly encouraged and supported to participate in all activities but are not forced. Additionally, parents should be notified if their child is sitting out of activities.

3. If my child needs some time to “decompress,” where would he do that?

How would you make sure that he returns to the activity? Children with ADHD benefit when they develop self-soothing and calming strategies, which prove invaluable in moments of emotional dysregulation at school and at home. A camp should encourage its participants to develop these regulatory skills while ensuring they aren’t left out or forgotten.

4. Which types of ADHD profiles have you found to be successful, and not successful, at camp?

If the camp doesn’t know what you mean by “ADHD profile,” that is a red flag.

5. How much time is spent on screen-based activities?

If your child likes excessive screen time, less is better here.

6. What can I do proactively to set up my child for success at camp?

I recommend providing information to the camp staff weeks in advance about your child’s strengths and how to support her when she’s struggling. Any good camp administrative staff will appreciate parental transparency, proactive strategy ideas, and the opportunity for a collaborative relationship. What is not helpful: withholding your child’s ADHD diagnosis or timing a “medication vacation” to overlap with camp. Summer camps demand a great deal of a child’s attention, emotional regulation, and impulse control — perhaps even more than schools do. If your child takes ADHD medication during the school day, he should continue his regimen at camp. Discuss this with your prescribing physician.

[Free Template: Introduce Your Child to Camp Counselors]

Summer Camp Communication: Sample Letter

Hi (Camp Name) Staff,

We are excited that our child, (child’s name), will be joining you this summer. We are writing to provide you with some helpful information and to offer our assistance in answering any questions you may have.

(Child’s name) has an (impulsive or inattentive) profile of ADHD, which may present in the following ways at camp:

(Below, provide a list of behaviors or challenges your child has experienced at previous overnight camps or in semi-structured activities like sports teams or Scouts, e.g.,

He may sit off to the side unless encouraged to participate.

He may avoid other campers and gravitate toward adults because that interaction is easier for him

He may respond impulsively in competitive environments and lash out during intense athletic games.)

Here are some strategies you can use to help (child’s name) if you observe any of these things:

Ask him to return to the game and remind him that his team needs him.

Offer him purposeful praise and recognition.

If you see him becoming irritable, he may need some water and time to sit in the shade or a quiet area for 5 to 10 minutes.

If he seems to prefer talking to the counselors instead of the kids, please suggest topics of conversation he can try with other campers. It is often easier for him to talk to younger kids or adults because he does not always remember to show interest in his same-age peers.

If you find he is having one-sided conversations and talking at the other kids, please feel free to pull him aside and remind him that it helps us make friends when we listen more than we talk (which is something he knows but forgets).

To help him avoid losing things, please ask him questions using visual language. For example, if he forgets his towel for swim, you can ask him, “Do you look like you’re ready for swim?” If he leaves his water bottle on the table at dismissal, you can say, “Please check your backpack and make sure you have all the things you brought to camp today.”

Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any questions or concerns. We are grateful that (child’s name) can attend (camp name) this summer and appreciate you taking the time to read this.

With gratitude,

(Your Signature)

Overnight Camp for ADHD Kids: Next Steps

Download: 20 Secrets to a Smarter Summer

Learn: How Summer Camps Benefit Children with ADHD

Read: Summer Camp Checklist for Kids with ADHD

Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, is the director of ADHD Dude & Trip Camp, based in Margate, New Jersey, and Tucson, Arizona. He creates videos for parents and kids on the ADHD Dude YouTube channel.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

“Choosing the Best Summer Camps for Your ADHD Child: A Guide for Parents” [Video Replay & Podcast #442]

Carly Broadway — Mon, 19 Dec 2022 14:46:17 +0000

Episode Description

Summer camp can be a rewarding and confidence-building experience for kids with ADHD. But when day or sleep-away camps aren’t prepared to adequately support children and teens with ADHD, problems arise. Kids with ADHD struggle, and in some cases, they are asked to leave the program.

To avoid these and other problems, it’s important that families know how to find the best camps for their child with ADHD, including which questions to ask, and how to support the camp staff in setting up their children for success.

In this webinar, Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, founder and director of ADHD Dude & Trip Camp, will provide caregivers with practical approaches that will help them make an educated decision about the best summer camp for their child, and strategies that will help set their camper up for success.

In this webinar, you will learn:

What to consider when selecting a camp

What questions to ask camp administrators to determine whether the camp can support your child

How much information to share about your child with the camp staff, and how to support the camp staff

Why overnight camp can be great for kids with ADHD, and why starting at a younger age can help ensure success at overnight camp

About the common problems that occur at camp for kids with ADHD, and strategies to be proactive in addressing them

Why having 1:1 support at camp is not helpful

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Download or Stream the Podcast Audio

Click the play button below to listen to this episode directly in your browser, click the symbol to download to listen later, or open in your podcasts app: Apple Podcasts; Google Podcasts; Stitcher; Spotify; Amazon Music; iHeartRADIO.

More on Summer Camps for Children with ADHD

Download: 20 Secrets to a Smarter Summer

Read: Fun! Friends! Learning?!

Read: Your Summer Camp Checklist

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on February 16, 2023, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker:

Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, is the founder and director of ADHD Dude and Trip Camp. A licensed clinical social worker, camp owner/director, father to a son with ADHD and lifelong camper, Ryan creates content for parents and kids at the ADHD Dude YouTube channel. Ryan is the co-host of the Parenting ADHD podcast. ADHD Dude provides virtual parent training, as well as in-person social learning programs for boys with ADHD. Ryan and his son live in Tucson, Arizona. Trip Camp is located in Margate, New Jersey, and in Tucson, Arizona.

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Play Attention: Improve executive function & self-regulation. For over 25 years PLAY ATTENTION has been helping children and adults thrive and succeed. Tufts University School of Medicine found Play Attention significantly improved attention, executive function, academic performance and behavioral control of ADHD students. Your program will include a Lifetime Membership and a Personal Executive Function Coach to customize your plan along the way. Home and professional programs available. Call 828-676-2240 or click here to schedule your free 1:1 consultation! | www.playattention.com

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

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13 Healthy Responses to Family Drama

Melanie Wachsman — Wed, 14 Dec 2022 10:24:15 +0000

Family dynamics and drama cause holiday stress for many adults and children with ADHD. Extended family members may offer unsolicited advice, pass judgment on your children, and dismiss your needs, all of which can trigger emotional dysregulation.

Your best bet? Develop a plan of action before a family gathering for what to do when you feel triggered and need emotional support from a partner. And don’t forget to include your kids in the conversation. Understanding how and why certain relatives irritate your child will help you to anticipate tough spots and redirect quickly.

In this download, you will get tips on how to navigate family dynamics by setting boundaries, keep intense emotions in check, and best support your immediate family members during holiday gatherings with tips such as:

Practice self-agency. Focus on what you can control, like leaving the room.

Phone a friend. Pre-plan to message a friend with a code word that signals you need her help. When she calls or texts in response, excuse yourself to listen or respond to the message.

Have an honest conversation with your partner in advance and ask, “What can we do to help each other feel safe and at ease during the holiday season?”

Don’t take out your frustrationson your partner. Say: “I’m not mad at you. I’m frustrated with the situation.”

Encourage your child to take a timeout when they feel overwhelmed.

Plan firm but kind responses to use when relatives cross personal boundaries.

Notice when your kids help with tasks and show initiative. Offer a high-five, a thumbs-up, a hug, or thanks to encourage more positive behaviors.

And more!

NOTE: This resource is for personal use only.

Best of 2022: Must-Watch ADHD Webinars from ADDitude

Nicole Kear — Fri, 09 Dec 2022 10:55:38 +0000
From love bombing to time blindness to hoarding, ADDitude hosted 52 ADHD Experts webinars in 2022. Here are your favorites, plus bonus resources and honorable mentions.

Q: “Holiday Stress and Anxiety Affect My Kids. How Can We Strike a Healthy Balance?”

Melanie Wachsman — Tue, 29 Nov 2022 10:42:38 +0000

Q: “When the holidays roll around, my kids’ ADHD symptoms get worse. They stay up late, sleep in, and have no daily structure. When family comes over, my younger one retreats and my older one wants to escape to see friends. My family is visiting for a week in December and staying with us. How can I keep my kids from becoming more anxious and stressed than they already are?” — HolidayMom

Dear HolidayMom:
The holidays can be a time of joy, happiness, and family togetherness — or not. For some children with ADHD, this time of the year brings on stress and anxiety. After all, even parents get stressed during the holiday season (and there are quite a few reasons to feel anxious these days).

Here are my top 10 strategies for easing your kids’ holiday stress so everyone can enjoy the festivities.

Holiday Stress Relief: 10 Strategies for ADHD Families

1. Prep Kids for Changes
Head off stress and potential meltdowns by preparing your children for changes in their routines and telling them what to expect when the relatives arrive (or what you expect from them). Role-playing different scenarios can give children the peace of mind and the tools they need to handle unanticipated or stressful situations.

2. Stick to Routines
Children are easily overstimulated during the holidays. The hustle and bustle, extra sweets and treats, and stressed-out parents can quickly lead to an overly anxious child. Children — especially those with ADHD — thrive with consistency and predictability. Stick to your normal routines as much as possible. I find that a predictable morning can lead to a smoother day.

3. Sweat it Out. Outside!
One of the best ways to relieve stress and anxiety is to exercise — especially outside. Make sure your children get plenty of physical activity during the holidays — and join them! Get the endorphins flowing by going for a walk, sledding, having a snowball fight, taking a bike ride, or playing a game of catch. The change of scenery, coupled with the fresh air, will do a world of good.

[Free Download: Sample Schedules for Reliable Family Routines]

4. Play Family Connection Games
Even if the weather is not cooperating, you will still want to get your family moving. Pick games that the whole family can play and enjoy. Try an indoor dodgeball game like Throw, Throw Burrito
(An Order Out of Chaos favorite!), enjoy a family dance-off, or a game of charades.

5. Schedule Downtime
Downtime is also critical to reduce holiday stress and overwhelm during the fast-paced winter season. Even a short break from the action can help children relax and recharge. Make sure there is a quiet place in your home away from all the holiday noise and busyness where they can go to decompress. Spending some quiet time in their rooms or listening to music on their headphones can be the perfect anecdote.

6. Don’t Do Perfect
I’ve said it many times, but it bears repeating: Don’t do perfect, do enough. It’s easy to get caught up in making the holidays perfect with the ideal spread of food and decor, but kids will remember how you made them feel more than anything else. So slow down, enjoy the moments, and don’t focus on perfection!

7. Leave Time for Friends and Fun
Older children will want to have their own plans, too! Even though you might want them around all the time, be sure that they have plenty of time to unwind and have fun with their friends. I suggest having a family meeting before the holidays with calendars in hand. Then clearly state what activities, festivities, and meals your children must attend. This way, they can make plans with friends without any unanticipated changes.

[Self-Test: Does My Child Have ADHD? Symptom Test for Kids]

8. Volunteer
It’s easy to get tied up in fun and the stress of the holidays, but don’t lose sight of what matters most — family, kindness, and gratitude. Giving back is a great way to manage stress while spending time together. Whether it’s helping an older neighbor carry groceries or shovel snow, or volunteering at a local soup kitchen, giving back and helping others always feels good.

9. Prioritize sleep
I can’t stress this enough. Sleep is essential for all children (adults, too!), but it’s especially important for a child who is feeling stressed and unsettled. Try to keep bedtime reasonable and consistent throughout the holiday season. For teens, encourage them to use “dark mode” or a blue light filter on electronics in the early evening and to turn off electronic devices a couple of hours before bed. White noise machines help drown out the noise from a house full of visitors and make for better sleep. If there is a late night, plan for downtime the next day.

10. Create Holiday Traditions
Whether it’s driving around as a family to look at holiday lights (my family’s favorite), baking cookies together, or attending a favorite holiday concert or performance, plan to engage in some fun and meaningful traditions. Anxious children love the predictability that comes with favorite activities that repeat every year. As a bonus, these traditions are the foundation for fond childhood memories. They are often passed on from generation to generation!

Enjoy the holidays!

Holiday Stress & ADHD: Next Steps

Download: Holiday Survival Kit for Parents of Kids with ADHD

Read: Minimize Holiday Havoc with These ADHD-Friendly Strategies

Q: “How Do We Avoid Family Drama and ADHD Ignorance This Holiday Season?”

ADHD Family Coach Leslie Josel, of Order Out of Chaos, will answer questions from ADDitude readers about everything from paper clutter to disaster-zone bedrooms and from mastering to-do lists to arriving on time every time.

Submit your questions to the ADHD Family Coach here!

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

How to Set Boundaries with Family: A Joy-Preserving Guide

Rebecca Brown Wright — Wed, 16 Nov 2022 10:47:04 +0000

At a family Christmas party with all his cousins, Noah*, 11, was working hard to regulate his emotions — a challenge at times due to his attention deficit disorder (ADHD), autism, and anxiety. As the children lined up to receive gifts, Noah’s grandfather sent him to the back of the line, then withheld the gift as punishment for his behavior. “That’s when I decided to talk to my parents about boundaries,” says his mom, Ashley, recounting the many times Noah was treated poorly by his family.

Scenarios like these are all too common among families with children who have ADHD and co-existing conditions. A whopping 89% of Instagram and Facebook users polled by ADDitude said they feel that their relatives misunderstand their children and treat them unfairly.

Family get-togethers quickly combust when relatives don’t understand or aren’t interested in learning about ADHD. Instead of offering compassion and support, they often make hurtful or judgmental remarks. In these cases, setting boundaries – and sticking to them – is necessary to protect your child and yourself.

Setting Boundaries with Family: The Conversation

Sharon Saline, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist based in Massachusetts, stresses the importance of communicating boundaries in a pre-get-together conversation with key relatives. She even recommends writing an email so that it can be referenced later if needed, and suggests the following format:

I want to have a good time. Here’s what would help me from you…

Living with ADHD in our family means…

Our normal day-to-day will be heightened by the festivities.

If you have any concerns, please take me aside and talk to me rather than my child.

[Get This Free Guide: Your Free Holiday Survival Kit]

That last point is important. “We want the friction to stay with the adults, and not move from an adult to a child,” Saline says.

After the Christmas incident between Noah and his grandparents, Ashley laid out the following points in an email and in conversation with her parents:

She and her husband will handle discipline.

The grandparents’ job is to play with and love Noah.

Moving forward, she and her husband will be more cautious about which events they choose to attend.

Boundaries aren’t meant to punish or purposely separate. “I told my parents I’m setting these boundaries because I want them to be close,” Ashley says.

[Read: How to Guard & Protect Your Holiday Spirit]

Setting Boundaries with Family: During Get-Togethers

Focus on What You Can Control

You can’t control other people’s actions, thoughts, or opinions, but you can control your responses and attitude. Picture who you want to be and how you want to feel during family gatherings, suggests Suzanne Allen, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist. “How do you want to feel about your child? How do you want to feel as a parent, regardless of what people are saying or thinking?”

Additionally, make it a point to focus on how much you love your child. Jenny King, an Illinois-based mom who has a son with ADHD, is thankful for her supportive family. “We are happy with who he is, and that sets the tone for everybody else,” King said.

Identify Your Allies

While you can’t control your family members, you can identify those who can support you during the get-together, especially during stressful moments, Allen says. Ideally, have a conversation with those individuals ahead of time.

Don’t be afraid to tell your ally what you might need. For example, Allen says a neutral person can help normalize your child’s behaviors. If your child is loud at the dinner table and adults are getting upset, your ally could say, “It’s so exciting for the kids when we’re all together!” The fact that it is coming from someone other than you will register differently with family members and help defuse tensions, all while giving you time to help your child settle down.

You could also ask your ally to play a game with your child or offer them a hug if they’re struggling to regulate emotions. “Remember that when kids are crying or yelling or dysregulated, it’s a sign that they don’t have the tools or the internal resources they need in the moment, and they may not be able to access language,” Saline says.

Or perhaps you would appreciate your ally occasionally pulling you aside to tell you they notice how well you’re keeping it together.

Think Ahead: Have a Plan and Responses Ready to Go

Have a plan in mind that anticipates your child’s needs. King and her husband know that their son struggles to sit at the table, so they allow him to take movement breaks. “When he’s done, he can ask to leave, clean his plate, and go,” King says. “There’s no pressure around having to be a certain way.”

Pre-planned responses can help you remain calm when you’re parenting with an audience and feeling pressure. “Maybe it’s a funny statement where you laugh it off,” Allen says. “Or maybe it’s something directed at your child like, ‘Let’s you and I hop up from the table for a minute.’”

Manage Your Expectations

Be realistic. Don’t expect perfection. Your relatives won’t begin flawlessly respecting your boundaries overnight. “Have an expectation that, at some point, things will suck,” Saline says. “You don’t know what that’s going to look like but be prepared for it not to look like a Hollywood movie.”

What to Do When Family Members Cross Your Boundaries

Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, family members won’t respect your boundaries. While this is disappointing, keep in mind that you still have options to ensure your child and family are protected.

1. Speak Up

Don’t ignore a relative’s hurtful comments toward your child. “It leaves children really vulnerable if someone says something to them and their parent doesn’t intervene,” Allen says. “You can shift the power imbalance by speaking up.”

A helpful phrase to say to the adult in this moment is: “They’re a great kid; they’re just having a hard time.”

In private, you can explain to your child that the relative was wrong, and that you will be doing something about it. Allen suggests saying something like, “It seems like Uncle Bob was having a hard time, and he said things that are not true and not kind. I disagree with him, and I’m going to be speaking to him about that.”

2. Reconsider Your Attendance

If certain relatives continue to create a negative environment for your family, you may have to rethink how and if you show up.

Should you even go to events if problematic family members are invited?

Should you stay for a shorter time?

Should you visit relatives without your child another time?

3. Don’t Blame Yourself

Lack of cooperation from relatives, despite your best efforts, is an unfair burden to carry. Don’t beat yourself up if it isn’t going as expected. “Keep in mind that you can’t predict and plan for every scenario,” Allen says.

Ashley is learning this lesson. “You just have to learn from your experiences and continue to set boundaries,” she says. Key to this approach is believing you have the right to do so. “I’m learning to recognize that I’m important enough to have boundaries.”

4. Take Care of Yourself

Whether it’s taking a walk, stepping into the bathroom, texting a friend, or going out to coffee, Saline suggests being prepared with one self-care activity to keep you centered during or after a stressful get-together.

“The pressure to be ‘on’ means you could be in fight, flight, or freeze mode the entire time,” Saline says. “When you’re in that state, you’re so activated that you’re in your raw emotions. So, you want to have one thing that’s going to help you get through.”

*Name changed to protect privacy

Setting Boundaries with Family: Next Steps

Read: When Relatives Don’t Accept ADHD

Read: When Family Gatherings Meet ADHD – A Gameplan

Read: Stop Unsolicited Advice from Family in Its Tracks

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