“In his senior year, my son started drinking, doing drugs, and not going to school,” says Vogel, who lives near Washington, D.C. “They didn’t let him graduate. My kids were all suffering.”

*Vogel and Silverman asked that their names be changed.

Nicole Kear is Consumer Health Editor at ADDitude.

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As a teen, Taylor* struggled to develop intimate social relationships with her peers. She felt compelled to drink in nearly any social setting — including on dates and around boys. In high school and college, she never ‘hooked up’ with a man without being under the influence. At age 29 — after years of low self-esteem and criticism — Beth finally had her first healthy romantic relationship.

“I dated loser after loser, unavailable men, dangerous men,” Taylor, a woman with ADHD, told ADDitude. “I never had a ‘real’ relationship until I met my future husband at age 29. We didn’t marry until I was 33.”

Taylor was the last of her siblings, and of her small friend group, to get married.

“People always told me that I wouldn’t find a husband, that no man would ever love me, etc. My self-esteem was garbage, and it was reflected in all of my dating decisions.”

Low self-esteem and lagging social skills are common for children with ADHD. With the proper treatment plan, teens can go on to have healthy and successful relationships. But for women and girls — who often go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed ^{1, 2} — the impact of untreated ADHD cannot be understated.

[Download: Hormones & Symptoms of ADHD in Women]

We asked ADDitude readers: “How has ADHD influenced your decisions about dating, marriage, and other relationships?” Answer this questions yourself in the Comments section, above.

How Does ADHD Affect Relationship Decisions?

“Before I was diagnosed, I was easily manipulated by a narcissist who didn’t need to try hard to make me fall into patterns of masking. By the time we divorced, I had masked so much and for so long that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. My ADHD influenced me by thinking I could publicly prove my worth if I married again. That was an even bigger disaster… I have remarried — yes, for a third time — but since being diagnosed, I understand myself, my needs, and my worth to a level that allowed me the confidence to talk with my current husband calmly and openly about my struggles. It’s not paradise all the time, but it is healthy and supportive.” — Brianna, Iowa

“I have been impulsive with all of my relationships prior to being medicated. I either move in quickly, get married quickly, or have children quickly without paying attention to the red flags.” — Courtney, New York

“Absolutely; [there was] lots of risk-taking in [my] late teens and early 20s. Lots of impulsive sex, forgotten contraception, zoning out, and not interpreting male behavior correctly. I put undeserving men on pedestals because of my own lack of self-worth, a lifetime of negative self-talk, and what I didn’t know were ADHD symptoms.” — An ADDitude reader

[Read: Why ADHD in Women is Routinely Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, & Treated Inadequately]

“Though I did not realize it when I was younger, I see now that my ADHD had a huge influence on my relationships — both romantic and platonic. If I was around someone frequently in school or work, I found it much easier to keep up with those relationships. Once a situation changed and required any level of effort on my part to keep up with the relationship, it would begin to fade. I still find it extremely difficult to initiate phone calls, texts, and get-togethers. With my spouse, I forget to call or text during the day. It’s like out of sight, out of mind.” — Gina, Florida

“It makes my marriage much harder because my spouse doesn’t understand (he says he tries) why my ADHD brain works the way it does. I have realized that maybe being married isn’t for me, but I am not confident enough to do anything about it.” — An ADDitude reader

“Over the years, I’ve learned that the level of stress and shame in my life is directly proportional to the efforts I make to have relationships of any kind. So, I don’t. Isolation isn’t ideal, but it’s easier and less stressful than trying to maintain friendships or romantic relationships.” — An ADDitude reader

“Since I got my diagnosis, my relationships with many people have changed — mostly because of their prejudices against ADHD. But my relationship with my fiancé and our daughter has greatly improved because we now know why I am the way I am. It helps to avoid lots of conflicts that would have evolved to arguments before my diagnosis.” — An ADDitude reader

“My ADHD played a significant part in my decision to stop dating and spend more time alone. I like and understand myself! I don’t have to apologize for my clutter. And I’m fortunate, after one marriage, to have produced a wonderful young adult son with whom I share this complex and creative brain condition.” — Kathy, California

“Unknowingly, yes. Neither one of us was diagnosed at the time, but I remember breaking off an engagement with a very smart, nice young man because we both seemed to have difficulties with follow-through on household (and other) tasks. I knew our budget would be very tight, and I had trouble with maintaining a strict budget. I knew just these two issues were more than enough to cause us serious problems.” — Victoria

[ADDitude Directory: Find an ADHD Coach]

“My daughter is always educating others on the limitations and difficulties of living with ADHD. She works hard every day to keep her coping skills at above-normal levels. She does not want to date or marry another person with ADHD as she feels daily life would be difficult, especially when she becomes a parent.” — Barbara, Georgia

“I was diagnosed when I was already in a relationship with my current partner. My partner also has ADHD and is part of the reason why I was finally diagnosed. I think if anything happens in the future and we are no longer together, I would look for a partner who is supportive of my ADHD.” — An ADDitude reader

“My relationship is just ending after 19 years largely because of ADHD, I believe. She is never able to just laugh over things that go wrong, whether because of my ADHD or our sons. I grew up in a family that always said, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff,’ and some of our funniest memories are of things that went awry. I am in no hurry to look for another serious relationship in my lifetime. I’ll stick with my friends who love me as I am.” — Janice, California

“Marriage has become a struggle; we believe all four of us have ADHD. No one is good at follow-ups on low-interest items. We have sought outside advice on how to distribute tasks, partner better, and learn coping skills.” — An ADDitude reader

“It is difficult to form relationships when you are always talking. Learning to listen has been difficult.” — Lisa, North Carolina

“Sometimes I have to limit my time with friends or family members who try to change my bad habits. It’s overwhelming.” — Donna, Georgia

“My spouse and my daughter have ADHD. I realized that I need to preserve energy and have to say ‘no’ to things I would like to say ‘yes’ to in order to preserve my well-being.” — An ADDitude reader

*Name has been changed to protect anonymity.

Women with ADHD & Dating: Next Steps

• Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Read: From Love Bombing to Boredom
• Read: The Rules of Dating (and Breaking Up) with ADHD

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹ 1 Kessler R.C., Adler L., Barkley R., et al. (2006). The prevalence and correlates of adult ADHD in the United States: results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Am J Psychiatry, 163(4):716-723. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.2006.163.4.716

²  Slobodin, O., & Davidovitch, M. (2019). Gender differences in objective and subjective measures of ADHD among clinic-referred children. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 13, 441. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2019.00441

Register to reserve your spot for this free webinar and webinar replay ►

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Partners in healthy, enduring romantic relationships typically experience sexual satisfaction as part of their strong connection. But as many couples living with ADHD know all too well, forgetfulness, procrastination, and other traits associated with ADHD can take a toll on relationships and on sex.

Sex therapist Ari Tuckman conducted a survey of 3,000 people with ADHD and their non-ADHD partners about their sex lives. He asked about levels of satisfaction, frequency, infidelity, and much more. Among his findings: people with ADHD feel things more intensely and experience more sexual eagerness than do their non-ADHD partners. Bridging these differences, and other flashpoints, can strengthen a relationship.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• How ADHD can affect your sex life and relationship
• Strategies to make time for intimacy and why this is important
• Why sensitivity can make intimacy challenging for the non-ADHD partner
• Approaches to help couples build trust for each other
• How treatment for ADHD improves intimacy

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

Meet the Expert Speakers:

Ari Tuckman, Psy.D., MBA, is a psychologist, sex therapist, and author of four books, including, ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship; Understand Your Brain, Get More Done; More Attention, Less Deficit; and Integrative Treatment for Adult ADHD. (#CommissionsEarned) His podcast, More Attention, Less Deficit, has more than 100 episodes and almost 3 million downloads. He has a private practice in West Chester, Pennsylvania, and is co-chair of the CHADD conference committee.

Stephanie Sarkis Ph.D., is a psychotherapist and author of numerous books, including Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People and Break Free and Healing from Toxic Relationships. (#CommissionsEarned) She is a licensed and board-certified mental health counselor, and a Florida Supreme Court-certified family and civil mediator based in Tampa. She is the host of the Talking Brains podcast. You can reach Stephanie at stephaniesarkis.com.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

Closed captions available.

The concept of the midlife crisis began a century ago with Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, who argued that greater self-awareness and self-actualization in midlife leads to a fear of impending death. Critics challenge whether mortality-related anxiety is actually to blame for the drastic life changes so commonly associated with midlife crisis: divorce, job loss, and convertible acquisition.

Research suggests that 10% to 20% of adults will experience a midlife crisis.¹ Among adults with ADHD, that number is considerably higher: 59% of men aged 40 and older, and 51% of women aged 40 and older said they have experienced a “period of emotional turmoil in middle age frequently characterized by a strong desire for change,” according to a recent ADDitude survey of 1,829 adults with ADHD.

The 690 women and 228 men who responded in the affirmative shared stories of career upheaval, infidelity, divorce, money problems, substance abuse, and burnout. For some, the change was more like a “midlife catharsis” that was long overdue; for others, it was traumatic.

“I divorced my narcissistic ex, started graduate school to become an educator, met the best man I’ve ever known, fell in love (for real this time), and earned two black belts during about an 18-month span of time,” wrote one 49-year-old mother in Washington.

[Take This Self-Test: Do I Have ADHD?]

“I didn’t feel I was able to function in the world,” wrote a 49-year-old male who rated his ADHD symptoms as “life-altering” in his 40s. “I left a seven-year relationship with my partner and stepdaughter, quit my job with no other job to go to, and went to live at a Buddhist monastery.”

These may seem like extreme examples, but the root causes of these crises — namely, ADHD traits like impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and restlessness — form a ribbon snaking through many of the ADDitude survey respondents’ answers. Indeed, 81% of men and 71% of women who said they have experienced a midlife crisis attributed it to ADHD symptoms and attributes.

“I believe my midlife crisis was a perfect storm of life-stage dissatisfaction, perimenopause, a poor relationship, and the upsurge of previously well-masked ADHD symptoms due to stress, hormonal deficiency, and increased emotional dysregulation (oh, and lockdown!),” wrote a 53-year-old mother who quit her job and divorced her husband of 28 years. “I experienced a peak in my impulsivity, libido, mood changes, and interests in new and varied topics, which I pursued in ways that my husband saw as distractions from the marriage. I needed new stimulation and to get out of old situations that were no longer serving me.”

Here are more stories of ADHD’s impact at midlife, from ADDitude readers reflecting on their experiences:

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Source

¹Lachman, Margie E. (2003). Development in Midlife. Annual Review of Psychology. Vol. 55:305-331. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.55.090902.141521

Q: “My spouse and I fight a lot. He provokes conflict, whether he’s aware of it or not. It’s like he needs the stimulation of an adrenaline rush. How can I break this pattern?”

Here are some approaches you might take based on the underlying motivation for his conflict-seeking behavior.

He finds conflict stimulating. If the fights are purely about stimulation, then your approach should be two-fold. First, don’t engage by being sucked into an argument. Practice emotional stability work such as meditation, journaling, exercise, mindfulness, or anything that enables you to stay calm in the moment. Respond to him by saying, “I can see that you’re upset.” You might want to tell him in advance that you don’t wish to join in these conflicts but would be happy to address any relationship problems you have when he is calm.

[Free Resource: Emotional Regulation & Anger Management Scripts]

Second, it would serve him well to replace the conflict with another form of stimulation, such as exercise, or taking up a new sport or hobby. Of course, he would need to first agree that the conflict between you is not desirable. The less you feed the conflict stimulation, the more likely he is to go in a better direction.

He is stressed out. Stress and ADHD are a combustible pair, and many people lash out when under pressure. In this case, stay clear if the stress cannot be avoided (for example, he’s late for a plane and very agitated) or seek ways to reduce household stress, if there isn’t a specific trigger.

You’ve become the “enemy” in your relationship. Your partner might be picking fights with you because a storyline has developed in his head that you are doing things to him that he doesn’t like. Common examples: You’re too controlling, or your behavior triggers feelings of shame. He generally feels unloved and even disliked, so he lashes out in anger. If this is the situation, you need professional couples counseling.

— Melissa Orlov is a marriage consultant who specializes in helping ADHD-affected couples balance their relationships.

Relationship Problem: Toxic Love

Q: “We’re worried about our young adult daughter’s relationship. Her boyfriend seems manipulative and controlling. She has ADHD and hasn’t had a lot of romantic experiences. What should we do?”

Since your daughter is an adult, the best (and only) thing you can do is express your concerns and offer your support. Pushing or encouraging her to leave her partner may strengthen their bond, and he may use this to further alienate your daughter from friends and family.

[Free Resource: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]

If or when your daughter does leave the toxic relationship, offer support without judgment. Refrain from criticizing her former partner. Remember that a person in an abusive relationship will return three times, on average, before they leave for good. Be prepared for the possibility that she’ll return to the relationship and decide in advance how you will respond if she does.

— Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., is a clinical specialist in child and adolescent counseling.

Relationship Problems with ADHD: Next Steps

• Learn: How to Respond to Gaslighting — in Your Relationship and in Yourself
• Free Download: Get A Grip On Tough Emotions
• Watch: “Gaslighting, Love Bombing & Beyond – How to Recognize (and End) Toxic Relationships with ADHD”
• Read: How to Fix a Relationship: 9 Solutions from ADHD Couples

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Register to reserve your spot for this free webinar and webinar replay ►

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ADHD impacts the genders differently and in significant ways.

Men with ADHD and emotional dysregulation may be quick to anger and prone to outbursts at real or perceived slights. They may also be less likely to advance in their careers than neurotypical men. As a result, these men with ADHD may feel shame and embarrassment. Understanding these unique challenges, and the solutions that address them, is important for any partner, colleague, or caregiver to understand.

In this webinar, you will learn about:

• The ways in which ADHD is experienced differently by men, affecting their personal and professional relationships
• The problems with working memory, anger, and emotions — including feelings of shame and guilt — common in men with ADHD
• Evidence-based, practical solutions designed to address these challenges
• The ways in which men and their partners can better navigate these differences

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

Meet the Expert Speaker:

Alan P. Brown is an ADHD/productivity coach and host of CrusherTV (www.CrusherTV.com), the award-winning video series designed for ADHD teens and adults. Undiagnosed for decades, Alan experienced underachievement, failed relationships, substance abuse, and worse due to his untreated ADHD. Once diagnosed, he found it difficult to learn coping strategies from books, so he developed his own evidence-based “brain hack” strategies while building a successful advertising career and several start-ups. A featured presenter at ADHD conferences in the U.S. and abroad, and a TEDx speaker, he is the #1 best-selling author of Zen and the Art of Productivity. (#CommissionsEarned) Get Alan’s free eBook, 5 Things You’re Doing Every Day that Make Your ADHD Worse at www.ADDCrusher.com.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is….

Inflow is the #1 app to help you manage your ADHD. Developed by leading clinicians, Inflow is a science-based self-help program based on the principles of cognitive behavioral therapy. Join Inflow today to better understand & manage your ADHD.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

As an ADHD coach with ADHD myself, I help people see how it is a whole-life, whole-body condition. I help them connect the dots between ADHD and other areas of life, with the goal of encouraging personal awareness and understanding.

Here, I present facts, observations, and questions to get you thinking about how ADHD is at the center of your life. As you gain insight into your person and condition, please remember that you have your own brand of ADHD — and you deserve to be treated with kindness above all.

How Does ADHD Affect Overall Health?

ADHD & Sleep

Why So Many Night Owls Have ADHD

Delayed sleep phase syndrome, defined by irregular sleep-wake patterns and thought of as a circadian rhythm disorder, is common in ADHD.¹ The ADHD brain takes longer — about an hour longer on average (remember, that’s just an average) — to fall asleep than does the non-ADHD brain.² That’s why it’s not uncommon for us to stay up late at night, and regret it in the morning.

Poor-Quality Sleep Worsens ADHD Symptoms

Suffering a sleep deficit with ADHD is like waking up to ADHD times two — or five. Lack of sleep slows a person’s response time, processing speed, and decision-making. We’re not as alert or as focused when we’re tired. We become crabby and inflexible. We imitate three of the Seven Dwarfs: Dopey, Sleepy, and Grumpy. Lack of sleep is a self-fulfilling prophecy; it only continues to throw our circadian rhythm off kilter and cause more dysregulated sleep.

[Get This Free Download: Lifestyle Changes for Adults with ADHD]

Is Your ADHD Medication Causing Sleep Problems?

Sleep problems are a common side effect of stimulant use. Then again, many people with ADHD find that stimulants help them to go to sleep. This is worth personal exploration.

ADHD & Nutrition and Eating Habits

Why ADHD Brains Chase Dopamine

The dopamine-deficient ADHD brain seeks this chemical in many places, from tobacco to junk food. Caffeine also boosts dopamine levels in the brain.³ And it’s always tempting to reach for simple carbs, since they rapidly break down into sugar and stimulate dopamine release.

ADHD Symptoms Influence Eating Behaviors

Symptoms like impulsivity and inattention easily invite dysregulated eating, which may lead to unintended weight gain.⁴ In fact, studies link ADHD to excess weight and obesity⁵ — which is linked to other conditions ranging from fatty liver, high blood pressure, and metabolic syndrome. Relatedly, research also links ADHD to Type 2 diabetes.⁶

Are Other Health Conditions Linked to ADHD?

From autoimmune diseases and skin conditions to hypermobility and pulmonary disease, a string of other health conditions have been linked to ADHD.^{7 8 9} Take a moment to think about how ADHD impacts your diet, health, and overall wellness.

[Free Guide: Health & Fitness Lifestyle Changes for Adults with ADHD]

How Does ADHD Affect Education and Careers?

Adverse School Experiences with ADHD Are Common

Our experiences in school often foreshadow our careers and other aspects of our lives. Did ADHD prevent you from graduating high school or from enrolling in or finishing college, as it did for so many of us?^{10 8} Or did ADHD help you excel in school? Did you have to navigate school with a learning difference like dyslexia or dysgraphia, as 45% of children with ADHD do?¹²

What Kind of Job Is Ideal for You?

Do you prefer to work in an office, or outside? Do you thrive in fast-paced, unpredictable environments? Or do you succeed with more structure and stability? Do you need complete silence to focus? Or do you work best with lots of stimuli? Are you self-employed? No matter your responses, know that ADHD guides your decisions across all these factors.

How Does ADHD Affect Relationships?

ADHD & Romantic Relationships

The Wonderful, Attractive Qualities of ADHD Partners

We’re spontaneous and lots of fun. We have a great sense of humor. (Because let’s face it: If we don’t laugh, we’ll cry.) We’re also really affectionate — and tend to pour it on when we’re in new relationships.

How Non-ADHD Partners Can Misunderstand Us

Our loved ones don’t always understand why we’re sometimes forgetful or disorganized. They don’t always know that we’re trying our absolute hardest. They don’t always know how to avoid taking our ADHD personally.

We Need Acceptance, Not Tolerance

Acceptance and compassion are key to a happy ADHD relationship and a true partnership.

ADHD and Family

Did ADHD Affect Your Decision to Have Children?

Some parents with ADHD have impulsivity to thank for their families. Other adults with ADHD choose not to have children, perhaps because of the very real challenges of managing symptoms while parenting a child who may also have ADHD. Are either of these true for you?

Are You a Parent with ADHD Raising Kids with ADHD?

If so, you’re in a unique place. Yes, it can be overwhelming, frustrating, and just plain hard a lot of the time. But it’s also worth it — especially when your own family can provide empathetic and constructive support because they understand your ADHD challenges.

Navigating the Opinions of Extended Family Members

They may doubt that you have ADHD, or they may mistakenly believe that only children can have ADHD. They may not think ADHD is real at all. They may only remember the version of you before you were diagnosed and informed. Either way, many of us are unfortunately forced to skirt the topic of ADHD with certain family members, or avoid some family altogether. But sympathetic family members do exist. They often have ADHD themselves, or they have children who are diagnosed with ADHD.

ADHD & Friendships

ADHD Sometimes Sabotages Relationships

Sometimes, we don’t know how to navigate social settings. Things like striking conversation or joining an ongoing conversation are tricky. In the company of friends, we sometimes blurt out whatever comes to mind, even if it’s brutally honest and not totally appropriate. Though we don’t mean to create divisions, these moments often cost us our friendships.

We Desperately Need Friends Who Get It

We need friends who understand us and will be there for us, either to cheer us on or offer their shoulder to cry on — without judgment or guilt.

[Read: How a Better Relationship with Food Can Benefit Your ADHD Brain]

Special Focus: ADHD in Girls and Women

ADHD is Often Unrecognized in Girls and Women

Women and girls with ADHD tend to be people-pleasers. We try really hard to mask our symptoms and perceived flaws. We blame ourselves entirely for our mistakes — often leading to a lifetime of shame, self-hate, and self-recrimination. That’s why early diagnosis and treatment are so important. Yet they are still so difficult to obtain.

Why? Because we don’t tend to fit the ADHD stereotype of a hyperactive little boy. The symptoms of inattentive ADHD, more common in women, are not as obvious and are harder to observe. Others tend to brush us off as dreamy and ditzy. If anything, we’re often misdiagnosed with depression or anxiety.

ADHD & Estrogen

Estrogen has an amazing and astonishing effect on the body.

• The menstrual cycle: Estrogen levels rise and fall during the monthly cycle. We focus best when estrogen levels are at their highest. When estrogen levels bottom out, all hell breaks loose. We’re unable to focus and our ADHD symptoms become more severe. Also, it’s important to note that premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and its more serious form, premenstrual dysmorphic disorder (PMDD), are more common and more severe in women with ADHD.¹⁴ Check with your doctor to see if you would benefit from an additional dose of stimulant medication or an antidepressant during the lowest point of your cycle.
• Pregnancy and postpartum: Estrogen shoots up during pregnancy, peaks in the third trimester, and drops considerably postpartum — changes that are bound to have considerable effects on the ADHD body and mind at the time women face the greatest risk for postpartum depression.
• Perimenopause and menopause: Brain fog, memory lapses, irritability, and other symptoms increase as estrogen levels decrease. It stands to reason that these changes worsen ADHD symptoms, too. These changes may also explain why so many women are finally diagnosed with ADHD in midlife. If you’re at this stage, talk to your doctor to see if estrogen supplementation is appropriate for you.

Wait, That’s ADHD, Too? Other Features and Strengths

• We are time blind: We often miscalculate how much time has elapsed, or how much time it takes to complete a task. This can have career implications, among others.
• We have sensory sensitivities: Can’t stand the feeling of certain textures and fabrics on your skin? Do bright lights and loud noises bother you? Sensory sensitivities are common in ADHD, causing us to react strongly to sights, smells, tastes, and more. This can impact nutrition and even anxiety.
• We experience rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD): Are you sensitive to criticism, real or perceived? That’s RSD — a core part of the ADHD experience. Our sensitivity can cause us pain, but it also means that we’re intuitive and empathetic. It means we know how to take care of other people — because we know how we would like to be taken care of. RSD has an undeniably sizable impact on relationships touched by ADHD.
• We carry shame: Living with ADHD in a neurotypical world often means receiving negative feedback. It’s why so many of us feel like bad people. But ADHD is nothing to be ashamed about. Remember that you’re not alone.
• We love our pets: Whether it’s a turtle or a St. Bernard, many of us with ADHD have beloved pets. Could it be because they calm us? Because they’re not judgmental? Dog lovers often report that their daily walk schedule is an added benefit.
• We are good in a crisis: Whether it’s a true emergency or a manufactured one, we tend to perform well under serious pressure. (Is it any wonder that so many firefighters have ADHD?¹⁵)
• We are creative: We have a lot of great ideas, and we’re out-of-the-box thinkers. We like to hyperfocus for hours (a dopamine surge in itself) until we figure it out.
• We are absolutely resilient: We fall off a horse or two, but we get back on every single time.

Respect Your ADHD: Stop Trying to ‘Fix’ Yourself

Whether you’re newly diagnosed or have been diagnosed for years, chances are you keep throwing heaps of spaghetti at the wall to see what will stick and “fix” you, once and for all. My bet is that you’ve tried all the planners, time-management tips, and other productivity strategies and tricks available on the market.

But what if you tried giving yourself credit and praise instead of constantly focusing on the “wrongs” in your life?

• You already have strategies that work. You’ve been coping with ADHD your entire life. You’re the expert on you. You have wisdom in yourself, and you can trust that wisdom.
• 98% (or more) of your life is working. Focusing on the 2% makes your problems seem bigger than they are.

Today, I invite you to give your ADHD a little respect. Don’t fight it or treat it as the enemy. Think of it as your alter ego. No, you’re not defined by your ADHD, but you certainly live with it. So allow yourself to accept that every now and then and just be. (The truth is you probably really like that little part of you that’s kind of different. I mean, who wants to be boring?)

The content for this article was derived, in part, from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “ADHD Is a Whole-Life, Whole-Body Experience” [Video Replay & Podcast #427] with Linda Roggli, PCC, which was broadcast on October 26, 2022.

How ADHD Affects All Areas of Life: Next Steps

• Free Download: The ADHD Healthy Habits Handbook
• Read: My 25 Rules for Life — A Practical Cure for ADHD Shame and Stagnation
• Read: Beyond Genes – Leveraging Sleep, Exercise, and Nutrition to Improve ADHD
  

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help

Sources

¹van Andel, E., Bijlenga, D., Vogel, S. W. N., Beekman, A. T. F., & Kooij, J. J. S. (2021). Effects of chronotherapy on circadian rhythm and ADHD symptoms in adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and delayed sleep phase syndrome: a randomized clinical trial. Chronobiology international, 38(2), 260–269. https://doi.org/10.1080/07420528.2020.1835943

² Bijlenga, D., Van Someren, E. J., Gruber, R., Bron, T. I., Kruithof, I. F., Spanbroek, E. C., & Kooij, J. J. (2013). Body temperature, activity and melatonin profiles in adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and delayed sleep: a case-control study. Journal of sleep research, 22(6), 607–616. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsr.12075

³ Volkow, N. D., Wang, G. J., Logan, J., Alexoff, D., Fowler, J. S., Thanos, P. K., Wong, C., Casado, V., Ferre, S., & Tomasi, D. (2015). Caffeine increases striatal dopamine D2/D3 receptor availability in the human brain. Translational psychiatry, 5(4), e549. https://doi.org/10.1038/tp.2015.46

⁴ Reinblatt S. P. (2015). Are Eating Disorders Related to Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder?. Current treatment options in psychiatry, 2(4), 402–412. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40501-015-0060-7

⁵ Cortese, S., Moreira-Maia, C. R., St Fleur, D., Morcillo-Peñalver, C., Rohde, L. A., & Faraone, S. V. (2016). Association Between ADHD and Obesity: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. The American journal of psychiatry, 173(1), 34–43. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2015.15020266

⁶ Chen, Q., Hartman, C. A., Haavik, J., Harro, J., Klungsøyr, K., Hegvik, T. A., Wanders, R., Ottosen, C., Dalsgaard, S., Faraone, S. V., & Larsson, H. (2018). Common psychiatric and metabolic comorbidity of adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: A population-based cross-sectional study. PloS one, 13(9), e0204516. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0204516

⁷ Csecs, J. L. L., Iodice, V., Rae, C. L., Brooke, A., Simmons, R., Quadt, L., Savage, G. K., Dowell, N. G., Prowse, F., Themelis, K., Mathias, C. J., Critchley, H. D., & Eccles, J. A. (2022). Joint Hypermobility Links Neurodivergence to Dysautonomia and Pain. Frontiers in psychiatry, 12, 786916. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.786916

⁸ Nielsen, P. R., Benros, M. E., & Dalsgaard, S. (2017). Associations Between Autoimmune Diseases and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: A Nationwide Study. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 56(3), 234–240.e1. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2016.12.010

⁹ Rietz, E., Brikell, I., Agnieszka, B., Leone, M. Chang, Z., Cortese, S. et.al. (July 6, 2021). Mapping phenotypic and aetiological associations between ADHD and physical conditions in adulthood in Sweden: a genetically informed register study. The Lancet Psychiatry.DOI:https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(21)00171-1

¹⁰ Kuriyan, A. B., Pelham, W. E., Jr, Molina, B. S., Waschbusch, D. A., Gnagy, E. M., Sibley, M. H., Babinski, D. E., Walther, C., Cheong, J., Yu, J., & Kent, K. M. (2013). Young adult educational and vocational outcomes of children diagnosed with ADHD. Journal of abnormal child psychology, 41(1), 27–41. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-012-9658-z

¹¹ Biederman, J., & Faraone, S. V. (2006). The effects of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder on employment and household income. MedGenMed : Medscape general medicine, 8(3), 12.

¹² DuPaul, G. J., Gormley, M. J., & Laracy, S. D. (2013). Comorbidity of LD and ADHD: implications of DSM-5 for assessment and treatment. Journal of learning disabilities, 46(1), 43–51. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022219412464351

¹³ Quinn, P. O., & Madhoo, M. (2014). A review of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in women and girls: uncovering this hidden diagnosis. The primary care companion for CNS disorders, 16(3), PCC.13r01596. https://doi.org/10.4088/PCC.13r01596

¹⁴ Dorani F, Bijlenga D, Beekman ATF, van Someren EJW, Kooij JJS. Prevalence of hormone-related mood disorder symptoms in women with ADHD. (2020) J Psychiatr Res. doi:10.1016/j.jpsychires.2020.12.005

¹⁵ Palmer, Charles G.; Gaskill, Steven; Domitrovich, Joe; McNamara, Marcy; Knutson, Brian; Spear, Alysha. 2011. Wildland firefighters and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). In: McCaffrey, Sarah M.; Fisher, Cherie LeBlanc, eds. 2011. Proceedings of the second conference on the human dimensions of wildland fire. Gen. Tech. Rep. NRS-P-84. Newtown Square, PA: U.S. Department of Agriculture, Forest Service, Northern Research Station: 9-13.

She told me it was fine to message her with “any questions at all,” so I fired off a few, such as “Where are the gas meters?” and “What should I budget for monthly bills?” In return, I offered to help them with paperwork for their start-up. Since we all work from home, I asked if they wanted to occasionally “body double” with me.

Then, a month after I moved in, my neighbor blocked me. Her boyfriend messaged me, saying I should only contact them through him.

This was a weird and hurtful blow. My new neighbors seemed so nice, and I thought we were beginning to build a neighborly friendship. Why was I ghosted?

Ghosting as a Response to ADHD

No one wants to feel rejected — especially not someone with ADHD. The ghosting especially bothered me because I wasn’t sure what I’d said or done wrong.

[Symptom Test: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Adults]

Had I bombarded them with too many questions? Was I being too friendly too soon? Did I overstep when I knocked on their door to ask if it was normal for the built-in dishwasher to trip the entire kitchen’s power?

It gradually dawned on me that our interactions had been mostly me talking. I was super stressed from the move, and my ADHD symptoms were off the chart, so most likely, I was anxiously blabbering nonsense. I realized I didn’t really know anything about them.

I don’t expect to be everyone’s cup of tea. However, I still worried that I had upset my new neighbors and wanted to straighten out any misunderstandings and make amends. But how? Not knowing what I had done wrong made me question how I was being perceived and how I was communicating in general.

While I wanted to feel part of my new community, I felt suddenly excluded and self-conscious. Then I became paranoid: Would rumors circulate about me? Would I have a reputation before even meeting all my neighbors? I spent months unsure if “being myself” would get me ghosted by everyone I met. I became isolated, anxious, and overly apologetic whenever I met other neighbors, fearing that I would inadvertently trigger another mysterious rejection for some unforgivable yet invisible faux pas.

[Free Download: Become a Small Talk Super Star]

Healthy Boundaries Aren’t Always Obvious

As someone who is quite open, I forget that conversations can have some implied motive, subtext, or a hidden agenda beyond the words being said. Since when was being manipulative more expected than being open and honest about our needs? When did we stop saying what we actually want and begin hinting at something different? Subtext is hard.

People with ADHD say what they think and ask what they want to know — not necessarily what they’re expected to say. We can cross healthy boundaries without realizing it. At best, this causes confusion. At worst, it causes psychological harm. How are we supposed to know someone’s boundaries — and if we crossed them? This confusion causes many of us to mask our ADHD.

How is ghosting better than being straightforward? There’s nothing hard to understand about the word “no.” Ghosting sets off our rejection sensitive dysphoria. It makes us feel confused, disposable, guilty, and misunderstood. We start to trust new people less, which narrows our social circles and the experiences they could bring. It’s also just plain rude!

So, if you’ve ghosted someone lately, message them and explain why. It’s the courteous thing to do, and it’s far less cruel than leaving them wondering forever. Is it possible you read the situation wrong? Is it possible they could learn from the experience and grow? I think so.

Ghosting & ADHD: Next Steps

• Learn: 7 Secrets to Making and Keeping Adult Friends
• Read: The ADHD Guide to Naturally, ‘Normal’ Flowing Conversations
• Free Download: Rein In Intense ADHD Emotions
• Watch: How to Reduce Social Anxiety and Foster Connections
• eBook: The ADHD Guide to Making Social Connections

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We overshare our heartbreak with friends, incessantly rehashing the details of the breakup until no one wants to hear about it anymore. We may be unable to stop crying about the breakup at work, even though we know how unprofessional it makes us look.

It’s not an exaggeration to say that ADHD worsens and prolongs the pain of a breakup, even leading to depression and low self-esteem. Getting over a breakup is way more difficult for us than it is for most neurotypical people.

If you’re going through heartbreak, here are a few things you can do to ease the pain and move on:

How to Get Over a Breakup When You Have ADHD

1. Make a feel-good/cathartic playlist. Include happy songs that get you into a better frame of mind; independence manifestos about not needing your ex (think: “I Will Survive”); or sad songs that allow you to cry it all out. Singing releases dopamine (a chemical in short supply in the ADHD brain), which will make you feel good, too.

[Get This Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]

2. Journal obsessive thoughts. This is an extremely effective way to get hurts or worries out of your head and break up the loop of painful thoughts you may be stuck in.

3. Have a funeral for your breakup. Having a moment to eulogize the relationship and say goodbye is one way to kickstart the healing process. After that, gather up mementos and put them out of sight. (If you can get them out of the house, even better.) Other ways to get closure:

• Write an unsent goodbye letter.
• List all the ways the relationship was not right for you.
• List what you’ve learned and hope to bring into your next relationship.
• List the qualities you will seek in a future partner.
• If it makes sense and both parties can handle it, meet with your ex for a goodbye coffee.

4. Hold off on destroying mementos right away. It may be tempting to burn photos, letters, and other items that remind you of your relationship, but wait awhile if you can, as you may regret impulsively destroying them.

[Read: Save the Date! Dating Advice & Strategies for Adults with ADHD]

5. Spend lots of time with friends. If you don’t have any close friends, you now have the free time to make some. Join an activity or a group for like-minded people. Try new things or learn a new skill. Or, look to the existing pool of people you know — the friendly person from yoga may be a great new friend.

6. Make time for things you enjoy. You’ll feel better about yourself knowing that you’re taking control of your life and doing things that make you feel joy, rather than only grieving the end of a relationship. To that end, adopt a new self-care practice, be it a relaxing skin care routine; journaling; hot baths with candles; or meditation and mindfulness. Self-love is so important for those of us with ADHD, as we receive more negative messaging about ourselves than do neurotypical people, which often causes our self-worth to tank.

7. Cry. Cry as much as you want. Cry for days, weeks, or months if necessary. Give some structure to your crying sessions if you need it, like five or ten minutes of scheduled crying per day. We have big feelings, so grieve the relationship for as long as you need to in order to move through the pain.

8. Avoid dating right way. It might be tempting to jump into a relationship with the next person who comes along, but if you do not take the time to heal, you will bring your pain into your new relationship. You want to show up as the best possible version of yourself when you’re in a new relationship, so take the time to grieve so you can properly move on.

9. Remind yourself of your strength and resilience. I bought myself a sunstone necklace after one of my relationship breakdowns to remind me that I make my own sunshine. I also have the word “brave” tattooed on me, which I got after another breakup, to remind me that I would go on, even if my relationship did not.

Breakups are among the most painful experiences we endure as human beings. The loss of a person we loved, and the future we imagined with them, crush the soul. The best way through a breakup is to allow yourself to feel your feelings, and to treat yourself with compassion.

Do your best to remember that love is not a finite resource. There’s plenty to go around, and you will find it again.

How to Get Over a Breakup with ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: The Rules of Dating (and Breaking Up) with ADHD
• Q&A: “I Can’t Handle Rejection. Will I Ever Change?”
• Read: How Rejection Sensitivity Casts a Cloud Over My Marriage

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Trisha and John Herrity had already raised their own four children when they assumed custody of their six-month-old grandson, Justin, and, later, his younger brother, Brian. Substance abuse prevented the boys’ parents from caring for them. The Herritys scrambled to balance their unexpected child-rearing responsibilities with their careers, and to offer the emotional support the boys needed.

When little Justin displayed symptoms of ADHD, the Herritys recognized them immediately because one of their children, now grown, also had been diagnosed with the disorder. “By the time Justin was five, we recognized the signs,” says Trisha Herrity.

Nationwide, grandparents like the Herritys are confronting the unique challenges of raising children with ADHD and other conditions. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, an estimated 2.1 million grandparents are raising their grandchildren; more than 1 million of those are age 60 and older. For many, it’s a struggle to keep up with energetic, impulsive kids, to provide specialized support on a fixed income, and to straddle generation gaps involving technology and parenting practices.

“It’s a wild roller coaster ride,” says Christine Adamec, co-author of The Grandfamily Guidebook (#CommissionsEarned). She has raised her grandson, Tyler, now age 16, since infancy. “It’s never boring.”

ADHD, Trauma, and Specialized Support

School-age children in grandparent-led households are almost twice as likely to have an ADHD diagnosis than kids in parent-led households, according to a study published in 2020 in the journal Pediatrics. The study’s senior investigator and co-author of The Grandfamily Guidebook, Andrew Adesman, M.D., says women with ADHD are at higher risk for substance abuse and are more likely to experience unplanned pregnancies. These factors could result in women being unable or unwilling to raise their children, leading some grandparents to assume custody. Substance abuse and unplanned pregnancies are among the most common reasons for grandfamilies.

[Download: Hormones and Symptoms of ADHD in Women]

Children with ADHD often require specialized support — academic, behavioral, and emotional. The need for support is even greater for the children in grandfamilies who have endured adverse childhood experiences, including parental mental illness, substance abuse, familial violence, and neglect.

“When custody is transferred to a grandparent, it is always due to some level of family trauma,” says Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D., founder of The Chesapeake Center and author of Still Distracted After All These Years (#CommissionsEarned). “The grandparents will need guidance in how to respond.”

Grandparents Report Social Isolation

Assuming caregiver responsibility again is an unexpected plot twist for many grandparents who live on a fixed income, or who may retire early or scale back on hours to meet parenting demands. Trisha Herrity says that when her second grandchild moved in, she took a year off from work. As in many grandparent-led households, strains on family finances mounted as child-rearing expenses, from medical bills to education costs, kicked in.

For these reasons and others, grandparents raising grandchildren often need emotional support, as few of them planned on raising adolescents in their retirement years. But that support can be hard to come by. In Adesman’s study, nearly one in three grandparents said they had no one to turn to for encouragement and support. This reveals another common challenge in grandfamilies: social isolation. “As a grandparent, you don’t fit in with anyone your own age, since your peers’ children are grown and gone,” says Susan Talley of Menifee, California. “And you don’t fit in with the parents of the other kids because of the generation gap.”

[Directory: Find an ADHD Specialist Near You]

And then there’s the physical toll: “My granddaughter wants to be constantly busy,” says Michael Jenkins of Aberdare, Wales, who is raising two grandchildren. “But at my age, I don’t always have the energy to keep up.”

In the years since these grandparents raised their own children, so much has changed: parenting practices, health beliefs, educational approaches, and, of course, technology. In Adesman’s study, almost half of the grandparents sampled said they were either unable to use, or had difficulty using, their grandchild’s school websites or portals. This barrier seriously impacts registering kids for school, reviewing homework assignments, and communicating effectively with teachers.

“Grateful for a Do-Over”

While the new landscape of parenting is tough to get used to, many grandparents raising grandkids with ADHD now see first-hand the benefits of early diagnosis and treatment, which in some cases eluded their own kids decades ago. “We know so much more about ADHD now,” says Nadeau. “I’ve heard many grandparents talk about being grateful for a do-over.”

Despite formidable challenges, Adesman says his study showed that, by and large, grandparents were doing very well in raising their grandkids with and without ADHD. “They often find it very rewarding and generally feel good about their decision,” he says.

In most grandfamilies, it seems, the effort required—and the rewards that come—are enormous.

“Sometimes it’s hard to go to the soccer game or the band concert because you’re tired and you’d rather stay home and rest,” says Adamec about raising her teen grandson. “But it is all worth it, a thousand times over.”

Resources for ADHD Grandfamilies

Here are a few sources of information and support for grandparents raising grandchildren:

• Generations United has a library of programs and ideas: gu.org
• HelpGuide, a nonprofit, offers articles on navigating the challenges of raising grandchildren: helpguide.org
• The site Grandfamilies.org provides legal resources and data
• The site RaisingYourGrandchildren.com offers support and information

Next Steps: Grandparents Raising Grandchildren with ADHD

• Download: Activity Ideas for ADHD Families
• Read: 10 Ways to Avoid Parenting Burnout
• Read: How to Find Parent Support Groups for ADHD Families

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Nicole C. Kear is a consumer health editor at ADDitude.

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Here, our relationship experts provide solutions for common problems when one or both partners have ADHD and offer guidance for creating healthy and enduring bonds.

Q: “How Do I Handle My Spouse’s Mood Changes?”

Q: “My spouse has ADHD. How can I handle their mood changes, impulsivity, and anger outbursts?”

When our partners are dysregulated, it’s often quite difficult to stay calm in the moment. We might hear hurtful or provocative things, or endure behaviors related to anger or frustration, like slamming doors or throwing objects. Witnessing explosive outbursts can be triggering, frightening, and frustrating.

As tough as it may be, your job is to stay neutral while relying on a plan that you have mutually agreed to and committed to follow in distressing times. How do you create such a plan? In a calm moment, discuss what happens in an escalation, and create a safety plan that works for both of you. My STAR approach (Stop, Think, Act, Recover) will serve you well when self-regulation goes out the window.

• Stop the action by calling for time apart when things start to heat up. Decide in advance how long each of you may need to cool down. Give yourselves the time and space you need.
• Think about how each of you contributed to what happened. Talk about it when you come back together. Listen and validate what you hear. Brainstorm together how to move forward without rehashing the argument.
• Act on your options for the next thing to do — calmly and together. If emotions are too raw to solve any problems, set aside time to do this, maybe even the next day.
• Recover. These upsets are draining for everyone involved. Reflect on what occurred and how to work better together.

— Sharon Saline, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist and author of What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life (#CommissionsEarned).

Whatever the reason for this behavior, it is not acceptable. Walk away from attempts to provoke you. You can’t have a fight when one of you is not present. Also, reflect on your response. Are you enabling your spouse’s behavior by continuing to interact with them when they behave inappropriately?

Consider couples therapy to understand the dynamics at play. If your spouse isn’t interested in attending couples therapy, go on your own. Even when only one partner gets therapy, it can change the relationship’s dynamic.

[Get This Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]

If your spouse is taking ADHD medication, ask their prescriber whether irritability might be a side effect. When stimulant and non-stimulant medication work optimally, one’s personality does not change. However, if this pattern of behavior has existed since the beginning of your relationship, it may be a function of the person and not the medication.

— Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D., is a specialist in child and adolescent counseling and the author of Gaslighting (#CommissionsEarned) and Healing from Toxic Relationships (#CommissionsEarned).

Q “I Resent Having to Give My Partner with ADHD Constant Reminders.”

Q: “I have to give my partner with ADHD constant reminders, and that just makes more work for me. It also puts me in a ‘parent’ role, which fuels resentment from both of us. How do we break this cycle?”

Given that people with ADHD are less consistent in remembering to do things, it can help everyone if the partner with a better memory gives some reminders. However, it is important to discuss how and when those reminders will be given and how the other partner should respond. If your partner reacts like an indignant teenager, that will understandably make you feel like a resentful parent — a problem that must be addressed in advance. If your partner reacts well to the reminder and shows good intentions by doing the task, that is a pretty good deal. The downside is that it does involve some effort on your part, including mentally tracking the task and whether it has been completed.

It is important to be on the same page, so discuss what will get done and by whom. If one partner only pretends to agree, or the other partner isn’t willing to come to a mutual agreement, then you’re setting yourselves up for a tug of war later.

— Ari Tuckman, Psy.D., CST, is a psychologist and author of More Attention, Less Deficit, (#CommissionsEarned) and ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship (#CommissionsEarned).

Nobody wants to be a reminder machine — and nobody wants to feel parented in a loving partnership. There is a big difference between reminding your partner in ways that feel belittling to both of you and establishing mutually agreed-upon cues that foster autonomy and accountability. In many relationships with ADHD, the non-ADHD partner often feels burdened and resentful when reminding their partner of things they “should” recall on their own.

[Self-Test: Do I Have ADHD? Symptom Test for Adults]

I am absolutely sure that the adult with ADHD would rather remember actions or commitments if they could. But due to biological challenges with working memory and processing speed, they struggle with recalling things, often judging themselves negatively for this challenge and lacking empathy for what their partner experiences. I recommend this two-step approach:

Step One: Increase compassion for each other. In a calm moment, engage in a reflective listening exercise to discuss your roles and frustrations in your relationship. It goes like this: Together, decide how much time each person will have to speak — say, five minutes. One person is designated as the speaker, and the other as the listener. Setting a timer, the speaker begins, pausing periodically for the listener to repeat exactly what was said without commenting on it. When the time is up, you switch roles. This exercise is an opportunity to speak from your heart without fearing reactivity from your partner. When it’s your turn to listen, you can really hear what is being said.

Step Two: Having a greater understanding of each person’s position, you can now brainstorm solutions, like setting phone reminders or using sticky notes. It builds more autonomy to say: “Check your phone for the list,” rather than: “Have you done this yet?” Agree on words or phrases that foster action, rather than defensiveness, if there’s no progress on an agreed-upon task. Save discussion of your frustration for a short, weekly meeting to assess your new program. Use reflective listening skills to check in, and, together, apply your insights to practical solutions.

—Sharon Saline, Psy.D.

“Will Our Unhealthy Relationship Affect Our Kids?”

Q: “My spouse and I have an unhealthy relationship. What are my kids learning from our relationship? How will it affect them?”

First, I recommend couples therapy to begin working on whatever is hurting your relationship. Unhealthy relationships are often a result of poor communication and a lack of perspective. Whether one or both partners have ADHD, it is essential to work with someone who is knowledgeable about ADHD, since this can pose unique challenges in a relationship.

Children see patterns in their parents’ relationship and repeat them in their own lives, or they may seek the opposite of what they’ve witnessed growing up. It’s important for your children to discuss their feelings and thoughts about their home environment. It’s okay for them to know you don’t have a picture-perfect marriage; few people do. The key is how it is talked about and addressed. Depending on your children’s ages and maturity level, they can learn that adults also need to work on communication. If you suspect your children are highly affected, I recommend a therapist for them as well.

— Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and co-author of The Adonis Complex (#CommissionsEarned).

Studies show that children who witness any kind of domestic violence are more likely to be victims and/or perpetrators of such behavior in future relationships. Abuse takes many forms: emotional, verbal, physical, financial, sexual, and digital.

Ask yourself: What are your kids learning about conflict and about how you treat someone you love? What are they learning about boundaries? Children watch us to see how they should behave. Your children may already show signs of perfectionism, depression, anxiety, or substance abuse due to what they have witnessed at home.

Consult with a mental health professional about your next steps and consider counseling for your children. If you are considering leaving the marriage, consult a family law attorney to learn about your rights and your children’s rights.

—Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D.

“Can We Achieve Unconditional Love?”

Q: “Why can’t my non-ADHD partner just love me as I am?”

Worrying that your partner might not love you as much as they used to is a universal feeling. Unfortunately, the issue is exacerbated when one person has ADHD because the courtship phase is so intense. The extra dopamine of infatuation masks ADHD symptoms and often leads the ADHD partner to be super-attentive. This often disappears after about 24 months.

The non-ADHD partner may become confused when their spouse is no longer particularly attentive and has trouble keeping promises. This can lead the non-ADHD partner to feel complicated emotions about the relationship, including disappointment, frustration, and anger. To ADHD partners who already question whether they are “good enough,” these emotions in their non-ADHD partners can be triggering.

Understanding and accepting that the courtship and marriage phases are quite different can help reset the definition of your problem. It isn’t that your partner doesn’t accept you, it’s that your partner is struggling to understand what has changed. With careful work to acknowledge the pain that these changes have caused, couples can reset and build habits of attention, respect, and provide care that makes them both feel loved.

— Melissa Orlov is a marriage consultant and co-author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage (#CommissionsEarned) and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD (#CommissionsEarned).

There is a lot to unpack in this question. First, know that you are worthy of love and have inherent value, regardless of whether you are late for things, disorganized, forget to feed the cat, or eat impulsively. People with ADHD carry internalized negative messages about themselves, without even realizing it. It’s easy for parasitic thoughts of not being good enough to take over our identity. Make sure you are getting the proper support and help for your ADHD and find a community of others with ADHD who can empathize with your experience.

Second, your partner loves you but perhaps doesn’t understand how ADHD impacts your personality, behavior, and decisions. They may assume that saying “try harder” or “pay attention” will do the trick. They need to be educated regarding what is doable and what may take great effort on your part. Your wiring is simply different. Accepting someone for who they are is essential. I recommend working with a couples therapist or an ADHD coach to help your partner understand ADHD better.

If your partner is verbally abusive or demeaning, you must question whether this is a healthy and affirming relationship. Your partner may not have ADHD, but I guarantee that they have their own unique set of flaws. Regardless of whether ADHD is in the picture, we must all work to understand our partner’s perspective, communicate assertively and respectfully, and decide whether the positives we get from a relationship outweigh the negatives.

Relationship Advice for ADHD Couples: Next Steps

• Download: Free Resource: Get a Grip on Tough Emotions
• Read: 10 Ways to Save Your Relationship
• Find: Therapists and Counselors Near You
• Read: Married with ADHD: How Real Couples Make It Work

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

#CommissionsEarned
As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

No matter who you live with (or love), the deal is that what you do affects them, and what they do affects you. We hope that there’s more good than bad, but sometimes the negative can cast a long shadow over the relationship.

The important thing to recognize is that your wife’s challenges are not by choice. When she loses track of time or gets distracted, it’s not because she’s being self-indulgent. It’s because she has a disorder that makes it difficult for her to resist distractions and effectively silences the ticking of time inside her mind.

[Read: “We Each Trust That the Other Is Doing Their Best”]

Sure, there might be times when you can step in with a time management or attention strategy to help her and to help you get more of what you want out of your relationship. (Before you offer help, though, be sure to have conversations with your wife about what kind of help she wants and doesn’t want. Otherwise, your “help” might feel more controlling than collaborative.) But the emotional piece is far more important.

It may help to recognize that your wife’s challenges are not centered on you. ADHD affects all aspects of her life, including her relationships with friends and colleagues. ADHD affected her life long before it affected yours. Keeping this in mind may help you avoid taking her symptoms personally and focus instead on problem-solving so both of you can get what you want from your marriage.

How to Be a Supportive Partner: Next Steps

• Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Read: Accept Them. Support Them. Have Their Backs.
• Read: How to Fix a Relationship: 9 Solutions from ADHD Couples

The content for this article was derived, in part, from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Why Is Time So Slippery? Understanding Time Blindness in People with ADHD” [Video Replay & Podcast #424],” with Ari Tuckman, Psy.D., MBA, CST which was broadcast on October 4, 2022.

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