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I first learned about doom piles from a client during one of our therapy sessions. She told me she was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and she described all the signs and symptoms that led to her diagnosis. That’s when she said two words that changed my life: doom pile.

The doom in ‘doom pile’ is actually an acronym. It stands for “Didn’t Organize, Only Moved” – an experience many people with ADHD can apparently relate to when they try to organize their spaces, whether physical or virtual. Instead of sorting things in their rightful places, they end up stacking them along with other random, unsorted things to be organized later – or never. That’s how people end up with doom piles, doom boxes, doom bags, doom folders and drives, doom rooms and closets, and other kinds of doom arrangements.

As my client described doom piles as a messy consequence of her ADHD (especially undiagnosed ADHD), I immediately thought of the mountains of paperwork on my desk. Though I loved my career as a therapist, some parts of my work made me feel anxious all the time. It seemed like my work life was ruled by unopened emails, unchecked voicemails, and piles of incomplete case notes.

Doom Piles, ADHD, and Me

Though I was hesitant to do so, I continued to explore doom piles from a personal lens. Piles, boxes, and bags full of “stuff” seemed to define all parts of my life even outside of work. Combined, my home, office, and car were one massive junk drawer of unused worksheets, clothes, receipts, books, and other miscellaneous items. Nothing had a home, and whenever I tried to tackle the piles, avoidance and procrastination reigned supreme.

Diving deeper, I realized that doom piles have always been a part of my existence. Whether it was a messy closet behind a closed door or a school locker full of crumpled-up papers, doom piles were always there. I also thought about how disorganized, restless, and anxious I felt most of the time, even as a child, and how I believed I was lazy and prone to chaos.

[Get This Free Download: 22 Clutter-Busting Strategies for Adults with ADHD]

Could it be that my own doom piles pointed to ADHD?

After that single session, I began to connect the dots and make more sense of my experiences from childhood to the present. Eventually, I pursued an evaluation, and I was diagnosed with ADHD.

The diagnosis afforded me a huge sense of relief. It explained so many of my frustrations and challenges beyond my doom piles — from my troubles in school to how I’d beaten myself up for being unable to complete menial tasks. Many of the negative beliefs I held about myself, including my overwhelming sense of being a failure, were directly tied to my life with undiagnosed ADHD. After years of thinking I was making up excuses for myself, I was finally given a reason to show myself self-compassion.

Making the Doom Piles Smaller

My journey toward structure and organization didn’t start with my diagnosis, but it definitely took an interesting turn in that moment. I knew that ADHD medication wouldn’t be a fix-all solution for my doom piles, but it was certainly a game changer. I felt like I could finally focus on one task at a time.

Then came taking a hard look at the organizing systems (or lack thereof) I had both at work and at home. Each week, I would schedule a few hours to read about ADHD, planning, and organizing. I looked into how others with ADHD tackle their own doom piles, but the most valuable thing I learned is that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. What worked for someone else with ADHD may not work for me.

[Read: Attack of the Paper Stacks! How to Defeat Masses of Mess]

As I sorted through the doom pile in the trunk of my car, I grappled with the surprising difficulty of parting with items that had followed me for years. Still, I knew it was necessary. Organizing the smaller things gave me a sense of accomplishment that kept my motivation high.

Another big learning curve for me was learning how to prioritize while cleaning. I’d sometimes try to convince myself that another, non-doom task was equally important, only to realize this was just a form of avoidance creeping in.

My home, office, and car are still not immaculately organized. I don’t think I’ll ever be the type of person who can effortlessly keep tidy. But I have come a long way since that therapy session. Slowly but surely, I have cut down on my doom piles and have set up organizing systems that work for me. My doom piles no longer fill me with so much doom and gloom.

Doom Piling and ADHD: Next Steps

• Find: Professional Organizers Who Understand ADHD
• Free Download: 73 ADHD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life Now
• Q: “How Do I Get Rid of My Sentimental Clutter?”
• Read: Filing Cabinets Don’t Work for ADHD Minds — Help for Paper Pilers

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Like most moms, I can clearly recall the moment my baby was first placed into my arms. It was real… She was here! Ten fingers, ten toes, bright eyes, and a cute little mouth with pink, bowed lips. She was perfect. My urge to protect her and offer her the happiest life possible was immediate.

Looking back, almost 15 years later, I can see I was brimming with the idealism innate to most all new parents. Our babies often represent a fresh start, a clean and bright beginning. The hopes we project onto them are inevitable. But life almost always has other plans.

Releasing the Myth of the Perfect Childhood

When my daughter was 2, I realized that I needed to leave my marriage. I left with no savings, assets, or job. When she was 4, my mother had a massive brain hemorrhage. After my mother died, my stepfather was in an accident and required care before eventually also dying. I battled through graduate school during this time.

I noticed that my daughter was unique as she reached school age. She was brilliant, verbose, and creative, but also different in her behaviors. She began to have massive meltdowns after school every day — tears, tantrums on the floor, and generally losing her shit, especially if homework was on the table.

Though she was extremely bright and an early reader, tearing through Harry Potter books in second grade, she also struggled in the classroom. It was hard for her stay on task, and she got out of her seat during lessons. I struggled to reconcile how my child, who was reading at an adult level and had unusually mature social insights, could also be so messy, irritable, disruptive, and so often unable to focus. As I searched myself and the world for an answer, I took the road we so often do as mothers. I blamed myself. Even my experience as a therapist and years of studying child psychology couldn’t help with the huge blind spot I had when it came to my own kid.

[Read: Why ADHD in Girls Is Often Overlooked]

Maybe it was because of the divorce — or because of my grief. Maybe I had spent too much time studying. I read to her every night, but maybe if I had focused more on math, she would be doing better with it. Essentially, I blamed myself for everything.

Consulting the Experts

As I tried to gather more info from “the experts,” I felt even worse. Seasoned parents told me that my daughter was disrespectful and needed a firm hand. School meetings, where I faced a row of teachers telling me about behavioral issues, left me feeling as though I was on trial. Even meeting with child therapists for consults confused me, since they’d only tell me that my daughter was precocious and creative and seemed to have a high IQ, but they did not otherwise offer any concrete help.

I pushed my daughter into martial arts, amped up her nutrition, discussed her ongoing issues with my mental health colleagues, and tried different therapists. Deep down, I saw her struggles as my own shortcomings. I was exhausted — and it didn’t help that she slept erratically.

Without answers, my daughter’s struggles worsened. Things had spiraled into a hatred for school, difficulty with activity transitions, trouble with organizational tasks, panic attacks, and even thoughts of self-harm.

[Read: 5 Things Every Doctor (and Parent) Should Know about Girls and ADHD]

It was our pediatric primary care provider who finally brought up ADHD. Could it really be that my daughter’s brain just needed some extra dopamine? ADHD ran in my family and in her father’s family as well. I began to wonder what a pediatric ADHD prescription would do.

As it turned out, it did a lot. Once we found the right medication and dose, the world opened up for my daughter. Her anxiety quieted. Her focus improved. Thoughts of self-harm and panic attacks receded. What’s more, she he was having fun. Life wasn’t a constantly overwhelming battle. We could both breathe.

Advocating for Girls with ADHD

I wondered why my daughter’s diagnosis had been so hard to arrive at and why it had taken so long, even for me, a mom and a trauma-informed therapist with a clinical degree. As I reviewed research on ADHD, things became clearer.

We often think of wild and unruly boys when we picture ADHD. The reality is that many girls are also silently suffering with ADHD without any understanding or support. That’s why ADHD is more commonly diagnosed in boys and is often underdiagnosed in girls. Educator and medical provider bias may also contribute to this.

Girls are more often misdiagnosed (or only diagnosed) with depression or anxiety. Socialization patterns may also be a factor. Some researchers theorize that girls are more likely to “mask” ADHD symptoms. This is particularly concerning, because research indicates that ADHD in girls is correlated with more severe pathologies such as self-harm and major depression. These unique risks mean that our girls are in danger if an ADHD diagnosis is missed or delayed.

Today, my daughter is thriving. In my clinical work, I now advocate for girls to be automatically screened for ADHD if they are struggling with what seems like anxiety or mood dysregulation. I wish I had the information I have now when my daughter was in her early grade school years. I’m grateful, however, that I now have the awareness to fight for her and for other girls.

Girls’ Mental Health and ADHD: Next Steps

• Self-Test: ADHD Symptoms in Women and Girls
• Read: Stop the Cycle of Shame for Girls with ADHD
• Read: I Searched So Hard for ADHD That I Missed All the Signs

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Recently diagnosed with ADHD (at 38 years old), I have been looking back over my life and taking stock. Today, I see everything through a different lens. I understand now that beyond the pain of others saying that they couldn’t stand me – a pain ignited by rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) — I couldn’t stand myself most of the time (and still can’t). Being in my head is like being in a broken computer game from the ’80s: streams of neon lights ricocheting off the walls of my neurodivergent brain, patterns of half-finished coding, and working in overdrive just for a glimmer of nonsensical light to break.

To Those Who Will Never Cancel Me

When I told a close friend about my diagnosis, we both chuckled. It was not a surprise to either of us. She said she was drawn to people with ADHD and that they “drove her crazy,” but she still loves them so. She, like the few others who have stuck with me through the years, display unusual amounts of grace and compassion. They see deeper than the outrageous things I sometimes say or do. They know how my social anxiety shows up during the functions they invite me to, and that I forget so many things they tell me.

My husband is one of those people with limitless grace. He has withstood my RSD and the emotional dysregulation that floods my brain. He has also withstood my OCD, anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance. When others have thrown me away, he’s scooped me up off the floor and wiped my tears or given me space to rage through the pain. He truly sees me.

But I see him, too. He also has ADHD, though we have different symptoms. Sometimes we laugh about how we found each other in this life and how we are forever grateful that we did. Even though our ADHD symptoms often collide and our communication can get tangled up like old telephone wires damaged by storms, we are united in love and dedication. We help each other navigate this strange neurological land. And after becoming parents, we want to do everything in our power to show our children that there is nothing wrong with the way we were made.

[Read: “I Can’t Handle Rejection. Will I Ever Change?”]

Surviving Rejection, Cancelation, and ADHD Stigma

After my diagnosis, I came to understand that some people will always be committed to misunderstanding me. They view their assumptions about me as absolute truth. I have chosen to cut off contact when this is the case. Despite the sting of rejection, I try not to go around defending myself too much or justifying to others why I am the way I am. I’m learning, slowly, to stop apologizing.

I’m learning how to be kinder to myself. I try not to beat myself up when I fail in the workplace, when I start another project that will go unfinished, when I unintentionally offend someone, when I forget important things, and when I make so many other mistakes. I remind myself that there is a real and neurological reason behind this. I give myself the grace and understanding others cannot.

When I am overwhelmed by how the simple aspects of life are so much harder for people like me, I remind myself how far I’ve come. I remind myself that having a husband who loves me for me and a few close friends who I can truly be myself with is more than enough.

When I wonder again why I had to be born this way, I pause, take a breath, and remind myself that it’s not my fault or anyone else’s — because there isn’t anything wrong with me. Some people will simply choose not to see that there is so much gold to be found in people like me.

[Read: Coping With the Stigma of ADHD]

When I’m told I’m either too much or not enough, I remember that I am not perfect, but good enough. That I am brave. That I am tender. That I am creative. That I am not a problem to be solved. That I’ve been canceled before, and I’ll probably be canceled again. But I can take it.

Cancel Culture, RSD, and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
• Q&A: My Fear of Rejection Keeps Me Socially Isolated
• Read: How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

I often hear individuals with ADHD say things like, “I want to sleep, but my body won’t let me” or, “It’s difficult to turn off my mind so that I can go to sleep.” Sure, keeping a regular wake schedule, expending energy throughout the day, and avoiding stimulating activities and foods close to bedtime help regulate sleep patterns. But to really prep for a good night’s sleep, it is also vital to send “it’s time to sleep” signals to the brain and body. One of the best ways to do that is through the senses.

Try these simple sensory-based approaches to help your body get the message that it is time to rest.

[Get This Free Download: How to Sleep Better with ADHD — A Guide for Adults]

How to Make Yourself Sleepy: ‘Sense-ible’ Ways to Rest the Body and Mind

Sight

• Block out as much light as possible. Close your door, hang light-blocking curtains over windows, and consider an eye mask if you are still bothered by other sources of light (like the digits on your alarm clock) when trying to sleep. Of course, try your best to avoid screen time in the hour before bedtime.
• If you do need light, consider investing in a dim red night light, which is less stimulating to the eyes.
• As you close your eyes to sleep, visualize yourself drifting off to a calm and peaceful place.

Sound

• Block ambient noise with ear plugs or earmuffs if you’re ultra-sensitive to sounds.
• If you have trouble sleeping when it’s too quiet, try white noise or pink noise machines/apps or a fan that will fill your space with calming neutral sounds.
• If you like to listen to music to fall asleep, choose slow-tempo tunes rather than fast, complex ones.
• While lying down, take long, deep breaths to relax your body. Listen to your breathing, too, to give your mind something on which to focus.

Smell

• Well-known calming scents like lavender and jasmine can help you relax prior to bedtime. Bring these aromas to your bedroom through unlit candles, sprays, diffusers, and/or other methods.
• Is your laundry detergent too strong? Strong scents and additives on bed linens can actually keep the mind alert when it really wants to relax. Consider scent-free detergents and linen sprays.

Taste

• If you brush your teeth immediately before bed, consider an alternative to mint-flavored toothpaste, dental floss, and/or mouthwash, as this strong flavor could encourage alertness.

[Read: Your ADHD Brain Needs More Sleep — How to Get It]

Touch (Thermosensation and Proprioception)

• Proprioception is the sense that allows us to feel our body’s position in space. A supportive mattress can provide the right kind of pressure and sensory input to aid with sleep. Don’t forget about your pillows and linens, too; find fabrics and sleep supports that are soothing in texture and weight.
• A cool (not cold) room is ideal for sleep, so experiment until you find the best temperature that encourages your body to slow down and rest.
• Try a progressive muscle relaxation exercise, a method that has been proven to help reduce stress and relax the body. As you’re lying in bed (on your back), notice your body and its limbs, from head to toe. As you focus on each part, notice the heaviness of your relaxed muscles. Then, squeeze the muscles on that part of the body for a few seconds, and then release tension. Continue working on this relaxing exercise until you’ve reached your feet.

How to Make Yourself Fall Asleep: Next Steps

• Read: ADHD and Sleep Problems — This is Why You’re Always Tired
• Read: How to Break the Exhausting Habit of Revenge Bedtime Procrastination
• Read: This Simple Sleep Formula Calms My Racing ADHD Brain

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
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Masking, specifically ADHD masking, is a burden for people with ADHD. For women, it’s even more intense because many may have already adjusted themselves to fit an outdated definition of feminine success.

Creating a more inclusive professional environment for neurodivergent women — one where companies can leverage the very unique and needed strengths neurodivergent talent brings to the table — depends on having an accurate view of the obstacles tripping up women with ADHD.

Missing this perspective often leads to well-meaning but harmful advice such as, “Just be yourself, and success will follow.”

What is ADHD Masking?

In general, ADHD masking is a concept and strategy that women with ADHD may intuitively understand before they hear the definition. Put simply; masking is intentionally shifting your behavior to hide your differences. For example, a woman with ADHD might smile and nod during a conversation even though she tuned out long ago, or she may secretly work late into the night to overcompensate for not staying on task for a deadline.

[Free Webinar: “‘Invisible Disabilities’ at Work – How to Foster Neurodivergent Advocacy and Acceptance”]

Masking is often preceded by asking, “What would a ‘normal’ person do?” And then working hard to mimic that. It’s a survival strategy that neurodivergent individuals use to navigate and thrive in a workforce not designed for them.

And it is completely and utterly exhausting, contributing to fatigue, burnout, and feelings of self-deprecation. The emotional, cognitive, and even physical labor that comes with trying to fit a mold not built for women with ADHD can feel like holding down multiple jobs at once.

Women are More Likely to be Undiagnosed, Misdiagnosed for ADHD

Women are less likely to be accurately diagnosed with ADHD in childhood. ¹ (According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), boys are twice as likely as girls to get diagnosed with ADHD.) ²

Now we are seeing a fast-growing cohort of women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s getting diagnosed with ADHD for the first time. Their diagnoses aren’t benign. They occur after decades of being misdiagnosed with depression or anxiety or repeatedly being told to “get their act together.” Such sentiments often leave women wondering, “What is wrong with me?” and becoming extremely good at masking.

[Free Resource: What to Ask Yourself to Find the Perfect Job]

When a neurodivergent woman lacks a diagnosis that could help her understand and accept her unique wiring, the impulse to hide oneself can arise. Masking may become unconscious and automatic, so much so it becomes ingrained in her brain and, nonetheless, exhausting.

Women in the Workplace Walk a Tightrope

In January 2023, Fortune reported that women, for the first time, lead more than 10% of Fortune 500 companies as CEOs. ³ Those numbers may mean progress, considering that in 2015, The New York Times famously reported, “Fewer women run big companies than men named John.”  ⁴

But surely, it’s not enough. Gender disparities aren’t limited to the C-suite. For the eighth consecutive year, McKinsey and Company’s annual Women in the Workplace report found that women struggle to advance in the ranks, beginning with entry-level positions, thanks to “broken rungs” on the corporate ladder.⁵

And the disparity is much more significant for women of color and non-binary individuals.

Women must walk across a fragile tightrope at work, and neurodivergence makes this more challenging: One issue is that feminine traits are not the standard for leadership. But at the same time, women who don’t exhibit femininity are judged as less likable. Often, women in leadership positions are amazingly aware of their emotions — and the reactions of others when those emotions become visible. Knowing this compounds the fear neurodivergent women may carry that neurotypical people may notice the things they try and conceal.

Women in the Workplace: Expectation Bias

Unconscious bias causes people to unknowingly alter how they see the world to fit their expectations. Expectation bias occurs when people dismiss others who don’t fit their expectations.

Now, consider stereotypical expectations for women in the workplace — like note-taking, event planning, and saying “yes” to menial projects outside their role — against the backdrop of common ADHD symptoms and executive function weaknesses with planning, organization, and multitasking.

The cost of not conforming to expectations, even unreasonable ones, may involve a backlash that impacts a neurodivergent woman’s standing or security at work.

Let’s Stop Failing Women: How to Navigate the Journey Together

Neurodivergent women can work to cease and desist unhelpful masking behaviors. But until workplaces move the needle on bias in general, this leaves a disproportionate burden on women’s shoulders.

While unmasking has tremendous benefits, it also carries a risk. The American Disability Act (ADA) protects individuals with disabilities; however, unconscious bias is real. There is no shortage of stories about individuals who experienced career consequences after revealing their neurodivergence to employers and colleagues.

For women, gender bias at work makes unmasking more complicated. However, there are plenty of good reasons to show up more fully.  One safe place to start could be discussing work preferences and needs with one or two close colleagues. For example, a woman could say, “The back-to-back Zoom meetings really wear me out and prevent me from being fully productive. Do you mind if we make our weekly check-in a phone meeting?”

As neurodivergent women navigate their journeys in the workplace, one thing we know for sure is that ADHD masking is not simply an individual issue.

Sarah Greenberg, MFT, MA, M.Ed., BCC, is a psychotherapist, board-certified coach, and Executive Director of Behavior Change & Expertise at Understood.org. 

Neurodivergent Women in the Workplace: Next Steps

• Free Download: Use This ADHD Blueprint to Find Your Passion
• Read: The Real-Life Risks and Rewards of Disclosing ADHD at Work
• Learn: How to Help Your Boss Help You
• Blog: “I’m Not Hiding My ADHD Anymore”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹Glasofer, A., Dingley, C., Kim, J., Colosimo, R., & Gordon, H. R. D. (2023). Medication Decision Making in Low-Income Families of Black Children With ADHD: A Mixed Methods Study. Journal of Attention Disorders, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/10870547231158382

¹Young, S., Adamo, N., Ásgeirsdóttir, B.B., Branney, P., Beckett, M., Colley, W., Cubbin, S., Deeley, Q., et al. (2020) Females with ADHD: An Expert Consensus Statement Taking a Lifespan Approach Providing Guidance for the Identification and Treatment of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in Girls and Women. BMC Psychiatry. 20(1):404. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-020-02707-9

²Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Data and Statistics About ADHD. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html

³Hinchliffe, Emma. (January 12, 2023) Women CEOs Run More Than 10% of Fortune 500 Companies for the First Time in History. Fortune. https://fortune.com/2023/01/12/fortune-500-companies-ceos-women-10-percent/

⁴Wolfers, Justin. (March 2, 2015). Fewer Women Run Big Companies Than Men Named John. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/03/upshot/fewer-women-run-big-companies-than-men-named-john.html

⁵McKinsey & Company. Women in the Workplace 2022. (October 18, 2022). https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/diversity-and-inclusion/women-in-the-workplace

Hi CollegeJunior:

Have you ever heard the expression “in the zone?” Some people call it doing deep work or harnessing a flow state.

While in a flow state, you can focus, concentrate, and filter out distractions. It feels like you’re locked into a task and making real progress toward completing it. People in a flow state feel confident, invigorated, and powerful, likely because there is a sense of control and accomplishment surrounding the task.

Entering a flow state can feel natural and even intuitive for some people. For others, especially those with ADHD, finding flow can seem impossible. After all, the very hallmarks of ADHD are difficulty focusing or concentrating and filtering out internal and external distractions. However, almost anyone can create the conditions to achieve a flow state.

Flow State: 10 Tips

Here are my top 10 strategies for creating the conditions for optimum flow.

1. Create Time to Focus

Look at your calendar and block off periods where you can work without distractions. You may want to schedule these blocks around specific activities or times when you’re naturally more productive and alert or when fewer people are around.

[Free Download: How to Focus (When Your Brain Says ‘No!’)]

2. Define What You’ll Work On

My student-coaching clients miss this step the most. They either come to the table not knowing how to use their time, or they do not clearly and specifically define their tasks.

Let me explain.

When you define your work, you need to be as concrete and specific as possible. For example, you may use your time to write a history paper. But within that assignment, there are tasks like “conduct preliminary research,” “craft theme or thesis statement,” or “write the first draft,” etc.

To optimize your time and attention, be as specific and detailed as possible in defining the work ahead. For example, you may define your task as “draft first four pages” or “draft introduction and conclusion.”

3. Shout and Share

To foster accountability, share what you are working on with someone else. Tell your study group. Phone or text a friend. Getting it out of your head and into the universe will help motivate you to finish the work. If you are uncomfortable sharing, then write it down. Many of my students post their intentions on their walls or computers. No matter what you do, please don’t keep it to yourself.

[Free Download: 5 Powerful Brain Hacks for Focus & Productivity]

4. Work on One Thing at a Time

A fancy word for this concept is “monotasking.” Fun fact: Researchers at the University of California, Irvine, discovered that it takes an average of 23 minutes and 15 seconds to get your attention back on a task or project after you’ve been interrupted (or interrupted yourself). ¹ In other words, switching between subjects or projects can cost you valuable time.

5. Work in Bursts

It’s easier to stay focused if you have a stopping point. If you remember that “done” doesn’t have to mean “completely done,” your work bursts can be more productive and constructive because you’ve already set your expectations. For example, if you only have one hour to work on a project, you can stay on task because you know that you will be done at the end of the hour. And that point of done becomes the starting point for your next work burst.

6. Schedule Breaks

If you have more than an hour to work on your project, set specific times for a break. Think of this as stringing together bursts with short breaks in between. The breaks give your brain — and body — time to rest and recharge. Use your breaks productively. Go for a quick walk. Stretch or do some short exercises. Have a snack or sip. Switch your location. Please don’t work on another project or do an activity or task that will be hard to stop when your break ends, such as scrolling your social feeds.

7. Eliminate all Distractions

Create a “Do Not Disturb” environment. Shut down the tabs or install distraction apps on your computer. Turn off your phone and place it in another room. Having your phone in the same room, even when turned off, can limit cognitive performance. Do whatever you need to physically take yourself off the grid.

8. Generate Energy

Before starting, do some jumping jacks, run in place, or dance around your room. The movement will energize you and get the blood flowing through your body and brain.

9. Set Up Your Workspace

Your environment plays a huge role in helping you get in a flow state to complete your work. If you don’t like where you spend your time, you won’t get down to business. Aim to create an environment that motivates you and supports the work you need to do. Consider everything from the room’s color to having a stash of your favorite pens on hand. Don’t forget about food. There is no better magic elixir for conjuring a flow state than food. So, make sure to have your favorite beverage or snack on hand.

10. Create a Work Ritual

Use the time before you tackle a task to prepare your brain for deep work by purposefully performing actions that will ensure a smooth transition into a flow state. For example, before I work on any writing assignment, I check my emails and text messages, shut off my phone and place it in another room, pour my favorite beverage, and turn on my “focus” music. Performing a work ritual allows me to transition easily into deep work.

Creating the optimum conditions for deep work takes time. You’ll need to determine what works for your learning and working style. So don’t get discouraged. Trust yourself. Keep trying different approaches until you find what works best.

Good luck!

Flow State for ADHD Minds: Next Steps

• Read: Where Focus, Fatigue, and Fidgeting Meet
• Read: Hyperfocus Is the ADHD Phenomenon of Intense Fixation
• Download: ADHD Time Assessment Chart
• Watch:This Video Explains ADHD Hyperfocus

ADHD Family Coach Leslie Josel, of Order Out of Chaos, will answer questions from ADDitude readers about everything from paper clutter to disaster-zone bedrooms and from mastering to-do lists to arriving on time every time.

Submit your questions to the ADHD Family Coach here!

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Source

¹Mark, G., Gudith, D., & U. Klocke,. (2008). The Cost of Interrupted Work: More Speed and Stress. Proceedings of the SIGCHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems. 107-110. https://doi.org/10.1145/1357054.1357072

As I quietly reflected on how to achieve that, I jotted down a list of essential presentation components: statistics on learning differences, findings from peer-reviewed journals (naturally), quotes from psychologists — anything I thought would make an impact on this group of teachers. Still, for all their compassionate intentions, it was possible they would forget my words by Monday morning.

Then I realized what was missing: the human element. To put yourself in someone else’s shoes is a powerful way to appreciate (or try to appreciate) the lived experience of others. That’s what I wanted the teachers to do.

On the day of the training, I asked the teachers to try some exercises to better understand the top challenges facing their students with learning differences. I still use these and other simulations for educators today.

Simulations for Educators: Activities to Understand Students with ADHD and LDs

To Simulate Difficulty with Focus

For this activity, I have teachers read a short text on a screen and try to retain key points (like names, dates, and places) without taking notes and while loud, distracting noises (traffic, children playing, birds tweeting, and so on) play. The text also disappears off and on the screen during the activity, interrupted by intermittent thought bubbles that display questions like, “I wonder if it’s going to rain later” and “Did I remember to switch off the gas?”

[Get This Free Download: What Every Teacher Should Know About ADHD]

Without warning, the text abruptly disappears from the screen, replaced by a series of questions about the text. The teachers then have a few minutes to answer those questions.

To Simulate Sensory Overload

I ask teachers to take a short quiz in this activity, but the quiz isn’t the main point. The purpose is to gauge how they feel in their environment as they’re taking the quiz and as multiple environmental changes are taking place, unbeknownst to them. These changes are meant to provoke strong sensory responses similar to those experienced by students with sensory processing challenges.

Before starting the quiz, I have teachers sit uncomfortably close to one another (within reason). I also bring in a few extra lamps. During the quiz, I turn up the heating, turn on the extra lamps, keep blinds wide open if there is bright sunlight, type loudly on my keyboard, and shuffle papers. I also start a ticking countdown timer or coordinate ahead of time with the room next door to have them make lots of noise during the quiz.

To Simulate Auditory Processing Difficulties

In this listening exercise, teachers have to write as I read aloud from a passage. (I choose an intermediate-level text). However, embedded into every sentence is a completely made-up, nonsense word. As I read, I do not stop to explain or spell this word. I continue to read as if I’ve said nothing unusual, ignoring the looks of confusion and other reactions from the audience.

[Read: What Is Auditory Processing Disorder? Symptoms, Comorbidities, and Exercises]

To Simulate Visual Strain

Many students with dyslexia experience visual perception issues that affect reading. (Though visual strain is also common in dysgraphia and other learning differences.) Black text against white backgrounds tend to cause most visual strain, even causing letters to appear blurry, distorted, and at different line heights. This is somewhat straightforward to simulate. I have teachers read blurry black text printed on a white sheet of paper, and I ask them to compare that to the experience of reading the same text, but printed in blue and on cream-colored paper. The latter, of course, reduces visual strain.

Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Helping Neurodivergent Students Succeed

Ultimately, a neurotypical person can never truly understand the neurodivergent experience. But, without fail, there is always a tangible shift in the room following these exercises. I know that I’ve hit the mark when I hear “wows” and see heads nodding — or shaking. Teachers will share that the activities made them feel “stupid,” “frustrated,” “uncomfortable,” and “ashamed.” They are instantly curious and eager to know what they can do to avoid making their neurodivergent students feel this way. They want to know how to become inclusive educators who can help all students succeed. They want to enact real change.

Simulations for Educators: Next Steps

• Free Download: The Teacher’s Guide to Common Learning Challenges
• Read: “How Teachers Can Initiate and Promote Inclusive Education”
• Read: 7 Surprising Ways ADHD Shows Up in the Classroom

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When I was young, I felt little connection or fulfillment when children came over for play dates. Playmates would often not return to my home after the first visit. It was likely due to my silent nature and difficulties with reciprocity. I struggled to read nonverbal cues and to practice give-and-take communication. In adolescence, I had a small group of friends but was often excluded from activities outside of school. I was introverted by nature, but despite my social anxiety, I still wanted bonds. I branched out and started over in college.

One day, sophomore year, I was strolling through the student union when a male student at a booth approached me and said, “Would you like to take a free depression screening?” Caught off guard, I shrugged and said, “sure.”

The student indicated afterward that I showed high anxiety markers. He asked if I wanted to work with a student clinician at the university’s psychology clinic for a low-cost fee. I felt like there was little to lose. After all the years of wondering what was “wrong” with me, perhaps I could get answers. I had dreamt of therapy since I was a teenager; I just thought it was a luxury or for people who struggled more severely.

I felt so wonderful just letting it all out during my intake session. I told my clinician about my insecurities about being labeled mousy and shy and being teased due to my passive nature in middle and early high school. I talked about my difficulties with being assertive. I explained how awkward and silent first-time meetings were for me and how I had been labeled “rude” and “standoffish.” I discussed how I never knew what to say when making small talk and how I felt my heartbeat, got sweaty palms, and froze in social situations.

Diagnosis: Social Anxiety

After multiple sessions, my therapist drew some key conclusions: Many things make me anxious, but most of my triggers are social situations. On a scale that measures social anxiety disorder, I scored a 30, which was considered “severe.”

[Get This Free Download: Social Anxiety Facts and Falsehoods]

I met with this clinician for about a year and a half. During our sessions, we practiced exposure therapy, which included role-playing social situations with other clinicians, recording them, and receiving critiques. She also asked me to look for real-world opportunities to initiate contact with people. Every few months, she evaluated my social anxiety score. Eventually, my score fell to a 10; I still met some criteria, but it was much lower.

She didn’t diagnose me as neurodivergent; that came years later. But every day, I am grateful for my wellness journey that began at age 20. I was never seen as a person who struggled immensely in the world. I could get by day to day. But the start of my journey taught me not to settle; I am worth more than just getting by. I deserve fulfillment. I deserve to thrive. I am in a better place than before.

Exposure Therapy Techniques That Worked

Below are examples of exposure therapy exercises I repeated with my therapist. She would tell me that I don’t have to do these things regularly, but knowing I am capable is important.

Journal Prompts

First, write down the following:

• How anxious are you?
• What are your physiological symptoms?
• What thoughts and emotions do you have (e.g., “This person won’t like me”)?
• How can they be challenged?

[Free Webinar: How to Reduce Social Anxiety and Foster Connections”]

Social Activities

1. Go to a restaurant or cafe alone. Don’t bring work; face the fear of others seeing you alone. Goal: Learn to enjoy your own company and to pursue your own interests.
2. Repeat the above, but this time people watch. Observe those around you — their body language, conversation topics, and other patterns.
3. Talk to a service worker, unfamiliar colleague/classmate, or patron (e.g., at a bar, party, restaurant, store, waiting room, etc.). You can start with a compliment, a friendly statement like “you look familiar,” or a question or comment about a product or service. Build off that and continue to talk about other topics. Roleplay with a counselor or friend to ease into this activity, if necessary.
4. Repeat the above, but approach someone you find attractive (I found this to be the hardest!)

Finally, return to your journaling prompts. Rate your anxiety. Then repeat the activities until your anxiety number goes down.

Disclaimer: I am not a healthcare provider; work with one as needed before attempting these activities.

Social Anxiety: Next Steps

• Free Download: Become a Small-Talk Superstar
• Read: The ADHD Guide to Natural Flowing, ‘Normal’ Conversations
• Q: “My Paralyzing Anxiety Tells Me I’m Not Good Enough”
  
• eBook: The ADHD Guide to Making Social Connections

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Hi PlanningMom:

Studying for exams is a juggling act, especially when it needs to happen alongside a student’s daily assignments and activities. It’s easy for students to drop a ball. This is why planning is essential for productivity and time management. I teach my student-coaching clients how to study by creating a plan using the following seven steps.

Building an ADHD Study Plan: 7 Steps

Step #1: Create a Calendar

I always start my study planning sessions using 8 1/2 X 11 unlined paper or my preprinted Study Planning Guide, which you can download for free on my website. Using paper allows you to easily see the whole picture immediately.

Working backward from the exam day, I have students create a two-week calendar if the exam is scheduled for the beginning of the second week. If the exam is toward the end of the week and they’re only planning for one exam, a one-week calendar beginning on the weekend may be all they need.

Next, I have students add the exam date and mark off any days or times they cannot study — Saturday afternoon, Tuesday after school, etc. This allows them to visualize available blocks of time and anything that might get in their way of studying. Finally, I tell students to enter the days and times of study groups or review sessions on the calendar.

[Free Download: Learning Tools that Improve Productivity]

Step #2: Define What Topics Will Be Covered

I caution students to be careful with this next step. Referencing an exam as “Study for ancient history test” or “Study for Mesopotamia exam” is too vague and can cause overwhelm or task avoidance.

Instead, students should break studying into manageable parts and hone in on specific topics. I have students answer this question: What topics will be covered on the exam?

The answer may look like this:

• The seven gods
• System of government
• Religious system
• Inventions
• Cultural influences on other empires

See the difference?

Students can then assign each specific topic to a study block.

Bonus tip: Students unsure about what will be covered on an exam should head back to the syllabus, textbook chapters, or old homework for clarification and confirmation.

Step #3: Take Stock of Study Tools

Students often miss this step. Study tools, especially non-boring ones, are essential to a successful study plan. (Read more about study tools and how to incorporate different modalities or experiences into the study practice in the ADDitude article “Q: Why Does My Son Meltdown When It’s Time to Study?”

[Free Download: What Are Your Teen’s Weakest Executive Functions?]

Students can take stock of their study tools by asking three questions:

1. What tools will I use?
2. What tools do I already have?
3. What tools do I need to create?

The answers may include:

1. What tools will I use? (Flashcards, YouTube videos, attending study groups, review sessions, etc.)
2. What tools do I already have? (Old homework, teacher’s study guide, etc.)
3. What do I need to create? (Flashcards, outline, etc.)

Step #4: Determine the Time Needed to Study

This step takes practice to perfect because there are many factors for students to consider, such as:

• Do I feel confident in the material?
• Do I need to create many new study tools?
• Is this exam cumulative? Will it cover material from the beginning of the year?
• Did I finish all the reading required for the exam?

Step #5: Assign Subject Blocks to Specific Days

There are a few rules of thumb to follow when assigning blocks of time to a study schedule:

1. Start studying at least three to four days before an exam. Doing so gives students extra padding if the unexpected rears its ugly head. What happens if there’s no time to study on Tuesday, but Monday is wide open? This also allows students the flexibility to make necessary adjustments. Study time can be doubled on Monday if Tuesday is jam-packed, or students can begin studying on Sunday, for example.
2. Only schedule study blocks for 45 minutes to one hour. Students’ brains need a much-needed break after focusing for that length of time.

Bonus tip: A study group or teacher-led review session counts as a study block.

Step #6: Assign Specific Tasks to Each Block

The calendar might look something like this if the test is on Friday.

• Monday: Create flashcards.
• Tuesday: Review old homework and quizzes. Answer textbook questions. Redo old homework.
• Wednesday: Watch YouTube videos. Review study guide. Attend the 4 p.m. study group.
• Thursday: Take the practice exam. Review all material.

Bonus tip: On the first day of a study plan, set up and create any needed study tools. My student-coaching clients find that separating the setup from the actual studying prevents procrastination and eliminates the difficulty of “getting started.”

Step #7: Transfer the Study Plan to Planners or Electronic Calendar

This is a crucial last step! Students must have easy access to their study plans to see when, where, and how they will study. Make sure to add study plans to paper planners, phone calendars, tablets, etc.

Good luck!

How to Study: Next Steps

• Learn: How to Study Effectively with ADHD – Tips for Students
• Read: Smart Study Techniques for Any Type of Test
• Download: Smart Homework Strategies for Caregivers & Teachers
• eBook: The Parent’s Guide to Raising a Teen with ADHD

ADHD Family Coach Leslie Josel, of Order Out of Chaos, will answer questions from ADDitude readers about everything from paper clutter to disaster-zone bedrooms and from mastering to-do lists to arriving on time every time.

Submit your questions to the ADHD Family Coach here!

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Then, almost nonchalantly, the guest recalled a time when he had an intrusive thought about spitting in a friend’s face. He recalled how bothered he was by this thought that appeared from nowhere, and how hard it was to tame.

My god. His anecdote transported me back to the time I had to stop myself from doing the exact same thing. So troubling and unexpected was the urge, I had to leave the room for a mental reset. Why the hell would I want to spit in someone’s face, let alone my friend’s?

And why the hell did I have the same experience as the podcast guest? Did it suggest that our shared intrusive, bizarre thought was tied to ADHD?

L’appel du Vide: Exploring the Call of the Void

Like a cold case flung open by a new piece of evidence, the bothersome experience compelled me to begin some fresh digging. My first bit of research led me to l’appel du vide — “the call of the void.” It’s a term that describes the sudden thought or urge to jump from a high place. Like many others, I’ve encountered the call of the void atop certain tall buildings, quickly suppressing an unwanted urge to vault myself over the edge.

[Read: ADHD and Obsessive Thoughts — How to Stop the Endless Analysis]

But the call of the void isn’t limited to the feeling of jumping from great heights. It has evolved into a term that captures other sudden, worrisome thoughts like: “What would happen if I twisted the steering wheel and plowed into oncoming traffic?”

These intrusive, out-of-character thoughts have long troubled us humans. (See Edgar Allan Poe’s The Imp of the Perverse, for one.) But these urges, I learned, are actually a universal feeling, and they’re not tied to a desire to harm ourselves or to die. In a 2012 study, Hames et al. gave the phenomenon a new moniker — high place phenomenon — and suggested that, far from being a desire to die, the call might actually be an affirmation of the urge to live.

OK, so I learned a whole lot about the call of the void, but I wasn’t sure if the spitting urge fell squarely under this phenomenon. I also couldn’t find anything that directly links the call of the void to ADHD.

Intrusive Thoughts and ADHD

However, I did find another eye-opening study during my investigation. It involved college students with ADHD (and a control group) who took questionnaires that measured levels of anxiety and worrisome thoughts.

[Read: “Why Do I Assume the Worst-Case Scenario?” How to Stop the ADHD Mind from Worrying]

In comparison to the control group, those with ADHD experienced higher ratings on all intrusive-thought scales. “Our results suggest that worrisome, intrusive thoughts are an important phenotypical expression of adults with ADHD,” the researchers wrote.

There it was. I put together a prosaic explanation for an incident that had bugged me for years: I’m more likely to have intrusive thoughts, and Spitgate, I presume, seemed to be a warped version of a phenomenon lots of people experience. It’s what happens, I suppose, when the call of the void meets ADHD.

Spitting Mad

Phew. This was comforting (and, in retrospect, not surprising). Maybe I’m not a terrible person after all! Maybe the urge to spit in my friend’s face came from a desire to maintain my friendship, which might suffer a bit of a hiccup were I to follow through on the urge. Aren’t brains weird?

Anyway, I don’t feel the call or other strange urges much these days. I attribute that change to medication, which dims my head chatter and keeps it at tolerable levels. Add in a regimen of anxiety-busting exercise, and the call almost vanishes. That said, you’re unlikely to find me striding atop the Eiffel Tower anytime soon.

Intrusive Thoughts: Next Steps

• Take This Self-Test: Symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
• Read: ADHD and Obsessive Thoughts — How to Stop the Endless Analysis
• Read: 9 Calming Strategies for a Racing, Restless Mind

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Do you feeling tired or drained most of the time?

Do you feel like running away?

Do you struggle with procrastination? Does it take you longer to get things done these days?

These are all signs of burnout, a state of physical and emotional exhaustion that women with ADHD experience far too often. We’re prone to feeling chronically stressed because we navigate our busy lives while coping with executive functioning difficulties, a sensitive nervous system, and a mind that won’t shut off.

Gender roles and expectations also drive burnout. We’re often at the helm of our families and households while juggling our careers and other responsibilities. We’re perfectionists who, consciously or not, try to mask that we’re neurodivergent. We’re rarely compassionate with ourselves about the challenges we face. Instead, we’re always trying to compensate for them.

It’s even worse for women with undiagnosed ADHD, who don’t have the benefit of knowing why they spend days, weeks, even months feeling exhausted, drained, overwhelmed, and despondent.

Our emotionally dysregulated brains, which rarely leave fight-or-flight mode, often prevent us from being able to slow down and rest. But it’s what we need the most. Here’s how to recognize that you’re burned out, and how to take steps to recover.

[Read: ADHD Fatigue Is a Real (Exhausting) Thing]

1. Know the Signs of Burnout

Burnout has a way of stealthily creeping in. We often don’t know that we’re approaching burnout until it’s too late. But the signs are there. Our body is always speaking to us, and we must learn its language. Signs of burnout include but are not limited to the following:

Emotional Signs of Burnout

• feeling tired or drained most of the time
• feeling overwhelmed
• feeling like dropping it all and running away
• feeling detached and/or lonely
• thinking constant negative thoughts; having a cynical outlook
• feeling on edge
• feeling unable to “switch off”

Physical Signs of Burnout

• headaches
• insomnia
• back/neck/shoulder pain
• gut issues
• recurrent illness
• jaw clenching

2. Question the Roots of Burnout

If your job is the primary cause of your burnout, as it is for so many of us, (the World Health Organization recognizes burnout as an “occupational phenomenon”) ask yourself the following questions:

[Read: “My ADHD Unleashed a Workaholic. ‘Quiet Quitting’ Is Saving Me.”]

• What triggers me to overwork? For many people, overworking is tied to feelings of inadequacy and imposter syndrome on the job. Fear of rejection (tied to rejection sensitive dysphoria) may also be involved.
• Am I setting reasonable expectations for myself? Examine your perfectionistic tendencies. Do you set high standards for yourself and often feel like you haven’t done enough? When does this come up?
• Do I define myself by my career? How can I detach from my work self?
• Am I honoring my work style and flow? Get to know yourself — including your energy levels, interests, work rhythms and patterns, environments, and more. Personality tests and career assessments can help you understand yourself and uncover passions and purpose, which then may reshape your entire way of living.

Burnout also comes from trying to do it all. Our inner critics force us to set high standards for ourselves and tend to make us feel like we haven’t done enough.

• Notice when your inner critic creeps up. Does the critical voice appear when you try to rest? When you set boundaries for yourself? When you try to ask for help? Let the voice have it’s say but recognize the truth.

3. Set Boundaries

Be Intentional with Your Time and Mental Space

Eliminating the stressor that’s causing you to burn out is best, but not always a possibility. That’s where boundaries come in. Ask yourself these questions to become more intentional about your time and space:

• When am I saying yes to doing something when I really want to say no?
• What do I value? Time with family and friends? Being present for my children? Create a poster of all the things you value and keep it in eye view for a constant reference that guides you back to your authentic desires. Then, ask yourself if your everyday life matches up to the values you wish to uphold.
• What energizes me? What depletes me?

Stop Multitasking. Seriously.

Compared to neurotypical people, we burn a lot more cognitive energy just trying to get through the day, which is why multitasking is not a good idea for us, according to Casey Dixon, an ADHD coach. “By engaging in task switching, you are spending more of your limited energy than you can afford,” she writes. Avoid multitasking to avoid burnout.

• Set a limit to how many things you’ll put on your daily to-do list.
• Work in shorter bursts and use a Time Timer clock to easily see the passing of time.
• Cut down on unnecessary notifications and distractions that eat up your time, attention, and energy. Work-related notifications will keep you in work mode even when you’re trying to disconnect.

4. Focus on Improving Your Sleep

Sleep deprivation is a key indicator of burnout. From working late and answering that “one last email” to revenge bedtime procrastination, burnout fuels insomnia and sets off a vicious cycle. Prioritize restful sleep:

• Commit to going to bed at a set time, even if things aren’t “done.” (Your to-do list will still be there tomorrow.)
• Create a soothing bedtime routine.
• Quiet your racing mind. Try brain dumping to clear mental declutter that’s preventing you from resting.
• Avoid mindlessly scrolling through your phone while in bed. Set a timer or make it a rule to “turn off” all your social media/notifications at a specific time.

5. Do Things That Make You Happy

Schedule in time to do something that brings you real joy, like going for a walk, texting a friend, watching a funny video that makes you laugh, or reconnecting with an old hobby. Even a few minutes can break you out of the stress zone and help you feel more balanced.

6. Practice Calming Techniques

Tapping and breathing exercises are simple activities you can do every morning and throughout the day when you most need it. A bath or even a splash of cold water can calm and reset your system. You don’t have to wait until you’re stressed or overwhelmed to use these tools. You can find lots of calming techniques and tutorials in my Vimeo account here.

7. Practice Self-Compassion

Recognize that you are doing the best you can each day under your circumstances. Think to yourself (perhaps as you do a calming exercise): “Even though I’m feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and burned out, I’m going to send myself some love. I choose to feel calm. I choose to meet myself where I am. I accept how I’m feeling. I choose to believe that my situation will improve.”

Here are other helpful affirmations to help you practice self-compassion as you respect your boundaries and recover from burnout:

• It’s safe to rest.
• It’s OK to finish for today.
• I’m allowed to relax.
• I’m enough right now.
• I give myself permission to relax and recharge.
• I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
• Whatever I have done today is enough.
• I am defined beyond my career.
• I live life according to my truth and values.
• I am learning to release control and surrender more.
• Where I am in my journey is where I’m meant to be.
• I’m creating when I’m resting.
• I chose to accept that whatever I do is enough right now.

How to Recover from Burnout: Next Steps

• Free Download: How Well Are You Handling Stress?
• Read: The Antidote to ADHD Fatigue and Exhaustion? Stacking Habits (and Spoons)
• Read: “What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before My Flaming ADHD Burnout”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
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The game has many versions and names, including “Who Am I?” and Guess the Famous Person. We simply know it as the Tape Game. It’s sort of like HedBanz, but also a bit like Twenty Questions. Players ask one another yes/no questions to try to guess the identity of the mystery person whose name has been taped to their foreheads.

Not only is this game easy to engage in, but the only supplies needed are painter’s tape and a permanent marker. (For better contrast, a neon color tape and black marker would be best.) Read on to learn how to play — and why this game is perfect for neurodivergent minds.

How to Play the “Who Am I?” Game (aka the Tape Game)

1. Put a piece of painter’s tape (about three inches long) on each player’s forehead.
2. On the tape, write the name of a famous person or character that the tape wearer would be able to guess. Think well-known celebrity, actor, athlete, movie character, politician, historical figure, etc.
3. Everyone stands or sits in a circle. The tape-wearer can only ask yes/no questions to try to guess the name on their forehead. If the answer to the question posed is yes, the tape-wearer gets to ask another question. If the answer is no, the next player takes a turn either asking questions or guessing the identity on their forehead.
4. Players can rip their tape off (triumphantly) when they’ve guessed the correct answer.

[Read: The Best Board Games for Kids with ADHD]Here’s an example of the Tape Game in real time:

Tape wearer #1, who doesn’t know that the name Lizzo is written on his head: Am I female?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #1: Am I an actress?
Audience: No.

Tape wearer #2, who doesn’t know that the name Bernie Sanders is written on his head: Am I alive?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #2: Am I a politician?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #2: Am I liberal?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #2: Am I Joe Biden?
Audience: No.

Tape wearer #1: Am I a singer?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #1: Am I Taylor Swift?
Audience: No.

Tape wearer #2: Am I Bernie Sanders?
Audience: Yes!
[She rips off the tape and enjoys watching others flail with their guesses.]

[Read: 15 Clever Gift Ideas for Kids with ADHD]

Tape wearer #1: Do I play an instrument?
Audience: Yes.
Tape wearer #1: Am I Lizzo?
Audience: Yes!
[Off goes the tape!]

What is particularly funny are the facial expressions, inadvertent comments, and minor disputes that arise when answering questions. The audience or players might disagree on fundamental details like age, nationality, or supernatural powers, which causes confusion in the person trying to guess the name Baby Yoda or soccer legend Pelé on their head.

Why The “Who Am I?” Game is Great for Kids with ADHD and Learning Differences

For My ADHD Students

This game promotes concentration, awareness, language processing, working memory, and self-regulation.

• Players must carefully attend to other players’ responses to their questions. They need to notice, for example, if there’s a hesitation before a response, which offers important insight into the secret character. (This happened to me when I had E.T. on my head and I asked if my person was male).
• Players have to remember all the clues they’ve collected and organize their thinking to accommodate new information. (Wait, now I’m hearing that I’m not a human!)
• Players have to stop themselves from blurting out other players’ secret identities or giving unnecessary hints — unlike my friend who couldn’t help herself and pantomimed pointy ears when my husband’s character was Spock.

For My Autistic Students

This game taps into perspective-taking and gestalt principles.

• Assigning an identity to a player isn’t about selecting an obscure person. (It’s no fun that way.) The fun is in selecting someone in their purview – which requires some thought about the player’s background, age, and other factors. I probably wouldn’t write down Nelson Mandela for an 8-year old or Eminem for an 80-year old.
• Players have to think “big picture” — not the shades of nuance and myriad exceptions — when answering yes/no questions from other players. Yes, Oprah has technically been paid to write, but she is not primarily known to be a writer. So, if someone with Oprah on their forehead asks, “Am I a writer?” I need to know that a “yes” answer would lead that guesser down a very different path.

For My Language-Disordered Students

This game is great for semantic categorization skills and lexical development.

• Players start their yes/no questions with broad categories like gender, race, and profession to further narrow their categories. (Don’t start off by listing all the most handsome actors, like my husband did: “Am I Brad Pitt? George Clooney? Idris Elba?”)
• Players develop important vocabulary so they can ask if they are fictional or nonfictional, an athlete, or infamous. The teacher or game leader can target morphosyntactic skills such as verb conjugations (“Does she…?” not “Do she…?”), subject-verb inversions (“Am I…? not “I am…?”), modal verbs (“can, do, would, could”), etc. For similar but different reasons, this would be great for English language learners as well.

Another great feature of this game is its adaptability to accommodate a range of abilities. Taping images or stickers to the forehead (instead of simply writing over the tape) is a suitable option for players who are non-readers or for students with significant cognitive and/or communication delays. If the guesser has an image of a dolphin on their forehead, for example, other players will have a visual reference to help guide their responses.

For all the older people like me, the game seems to highlight memory issues to a comedic level. Some of us forget all the information by the time our turn resumes. Personally, I draw a blank on the name of every celebrity known to humankind. Many of us do not know the icons that kids assume we do, such as the Minecraft character Enderman that was never correctly guessed by an older woman (ahem, me). For these reasons, I believe this game could be made much more pleasant and less humiliating by offering all manner of gestures, sound effects, rhyming words, quotes, lifelines, phone-a-friends, and multiple-choice answers. I’ll work on a revision of the rules pronto!

Games for Kids with ADHD and LD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Bonding Activity Ideas for ADHD Families
• Read: The Attention Games — Catching Focus Through Fun
• Read: Games and Activities That Sharpen Executive Functions

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

She told me it was fine to message her with “any questions at all,” so I fired off a few, such as “Where are the gas meters?” and “What should I budget for monthly bills?” In return, I offered to help them with paperwork for their start-up. Since we all work from home, I asked if they wanted to occasionally “body double” with me.

Then, a month after I moved in, my neighbor blocked me. Her boyfriend messaged me, saying I should only contact them through him.

This was a weird and hurtful blow. My new neighbors seemed so nice, and I thought we were beginning to build a neighborly friendship. Why was I ghosted?

Ghosting as a Response to ADHD

No one wants to feel rejected — especially not someone with ADHD. The ghosting especially bothered me because I wasn’t sure what I’d said or done wrong.

[Symptom Test: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Adults]

Had I bombarded them with too many questions? Was I being too friendly too soon? Did I overstep when I knocked on their door to ask if it was normal for the built-in dishwasher to trip the entire kitchen’s power?

It gradually dawned on me that our interactions had been mostly me talking. I was super stressed from the move, and my ADHD symptoms were off the chart, so most likely, I was anxiously blabbering nonsense. I realized I didn’t really know anything about them.

I don’t expect to be everyone’s cup of tea. However, I still worried that I had upset my new neighbors and wanted to straighten out any misunderstandings and make amends. But how? Not knowing what I had done wrong made me question how I was being perceived and how I was communicating in general.

While I wanted to feel part of my new community, I felt suddenly excluded and self-conscious. Then I became paranoid: Would rumors circulate about me? Would I have a reputation before even meeting all my neighbors? I spent months unsure if “being myself” would get me ghosted by everyone I met. I became isolated, anxious, and overly apologetic whenever I met other neighbors, fearing that I would inadvertently trigger another mysterious rejection for some unforgivable yet invisible faux pas.

[Free Download: Become a Small Talk Super Star]

Healthy Boundaries Aren’t Always Obvious

As someone who is quite open, I forget that conversations can have some implied motive, subtext, or a hidden agenda beyond the words being said. Since when was being manipulative more expected than being open and honest about our needs? When did we stop saying what we actually want and begin hinting at something different? Subtext is hard.

People with ADHD say what they think and ask what they want to know — not necessarily what they’re expected to say. We can cross healthy boundaries without realizing it. At best, this causes confusion. At worst, it causes psychological harm. How are we supposed to know someone’s boundaries — and if we crossed them? This confusion causes many of us to mask our ADHD.

How is ghosting better than being straightforward? There’s nothing hard to understand about the word “no.” Ghosting sets off our rejection sensitive dysphoria. It makes us feel confused, disposable, guilty, and misunderstood. We start to trust new people less, which narrows our social circles and the experiences they could bring. It’s also just plain rude!

So, if you’ve ghosted someone lately, message them and explain why. It’s the courteous thing to do, and it’s far less cruel than leaving them wondering forever. Is it possible you read the situation wrong? Is it possible they could learn from the experience and grow? I think so.

Ghosting & ADHD: Next Steps

• Learn: 7 Secrets to Making and Keeping Adult Friends
• Read: The ADHD Guide to Naturally, ‘Normal’ Flowing Conversations
• Free Download: Rein In Intense ADHD Emotions
• Watch: How to Reduce Social Anxiety and Foster Connections
• eBook: The ADHD Guide to Making Social Connections

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Then I get enthused about another DIY job around the house, and I downplay my previous missteps, mistakes, and failed home improvement projects. “This time will be different,” I think optimistically. But do I believe it?

As much as people with ADHD hope something will be different, it rarely is unless we change our habits — and that entails remembering what we need to change and wanting to make the change happen. Poor working memory and hyperfocus are aspects of my ADHD that makes this difficult.

Case in point: Painting my bathroom.

Before: I used to finish a paint job with paint on the walls — and my clothes. I wouldn’t notice my error until the paint had dried and ruined whatever I was wearing. Are most people with ADHD as messy as I am?

After: No matter how small the paint job, I always change into my designated painting clothes before I begin.

[Get This Free Download: 10 Ways to Get Organized This Weekend]

Before: Immediately after sparking the idea, “Let’s redo the bathroom,” I would start painting. I thought putting down masking tape and covering the floor was unnecessary and time-consuming. I’d tell myself, “I will be neat this time.”

After: Countless mess-ups later, I realized I would never be neat enough not to need masking tape and a drop cloth. Now I do both. Doing this routine prep work has improved my paint jobs.

Before: I didn’t take the time to carefully remove hardware and screws from fixtures.

After: I remove all hardware and screws and properly store them, so they do not get lost. I learned that if I take care of the removed pieces, I won’t need to shop for missing parts later. Also, removing the fixtures ensures that I won’t get paint on them, causing more work later as I try to remove the unwanted color.

Yipee! As I’ve learned to do things differently, I’ve gotten smarter. I have become more proud of the progress I’ve made, and yet….

[Self-Test: Do I have ADHD? Symptoms in Adults]

I recently had to caulk the seam between the walls and baseboards — and I wore my everyday clothes. If I had the thought to “put on my painting clothes first,” I ignored it. After all, this was caulking, not painting. I would be fine.

Later, I discovered dried caulk on my slacks. Did you know that dried caulk is as impossible to remove from clothing as is dried paint? I do now!

In getting ready to paint the bathroom, I set the paint tray on the drop cloth covering the floor. I might have thought, “That isn’t a good place for the paint tray.” But due to my poor working memory I quickly forgot.

I also forgot about the paint tray, backed up, and put my left foot in it! I wiped the paint off my shoe’s bottom and thought I was good to go. Then I left the bathroom and went down two flights of stairs to finish cleaning my shoe in the basement sink.

Later, I noticed every other stairstep had paint on its edge. I could not understand what had caused this strange pattern, and I got to work removing the paint. It was only then that I realized I had not cleaned the backside of my shoe, where most of the paint remained, and had tracked paint on each step when I lifted my left foot.

The bathroom was almost finished. I just needed to reattach the fixtures. Okay, I admit I lost some of the screws and made a trip to the home improvement store to buy replacements.

But all and all, I finished the paint job with fewer mishaps than previous DIY projects and new learnings. My next DIY job will go even better.

DIY Projects for ADHD Adults: Next Steps

• Read: 6 Ways to Get Started on That Project
• Q&A: “Why Can’t I Tackle All These Home Improvement Projects?!”
• Free Download: Helpful Hacks to Focus Your ADHD Brain

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.