“In his senior year, my son started drinking, doing drugs, and not going to school,” says Vogel, who lives near Washington, D.C. “They didn’t let him graduate. My kids were all suffering.”

*Vogel and Silverman asked that their names be changed.

Nicole Kear is Consumer Health Editor at ADDitude.

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Trisha and John Herrity had already raised their own four children when they assumed custody of their six-month-old grandson, Justin, and, later, his younger brother, Brian. Substance abuse prevented the boys’ parents from caring for them. The Herritys scrambled to balance their unexpected child-rearing responsibilities with their careers, and to offer the emotional support the boys needed.

When little Justin displayed symptoms of ADHD, the Herritys recognized them immediately because one of their children, now grown, also had been diagnosed with the disorder. “By the time Justin was five, we recognized the signs,” says Trisha Herrity.

Nationwide, grandparents like the Herritys are confronting the unique challenges of raising children with ADHD and other conditions. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, an estimated 2.1 million grandparents are raising their grandchildren; more than 1 million of those are age 60 and older. For many, it’s a struggle to keep up with energetic, impulsive kids, to provide specialized support on a fixed income, and to straddle generation gaps involving technology and parenting practices.

“It’s a wild roller coaster ride,” says Christine Adamec, co-author of The Grandfamily Guidebook (#CommissionsEarned). She has raised her grandson, Tyler, now age 16, since infancy. “It’s never boring.”

ADHD, Trauma, and Specialized Support

School-age children in grandparent-led households are almost twice as likely to have an ADHD diagnosis than kids in parent-led households, according to a study published in 2020 in the journal Pediatrics. The study’s senior investigator and co-author of The Grandfamily Guidebook, Andrew Adesman, M.D., says women with ADHD are at higher risk for substance abuse and are more likely to experience unplanned pregnancies. These factors could result in women being unable or unwilling to raise their children, leading some grandparents to assume custody. Substance abuse and unplanned pregnancies are among the most common reasons for grandfamilies.

[Download: Hormones and Symptoms of ADHD in Women]

Children with ADHD often require specialized support — academic, behavioral, and emotional. The need for support is even greater for the children in grandfamilies who have endured adverse childhood experiences, including parental mental illness, substance abuse, familial violence, and neglect.

“When custody is transferred to a grandparent, it is always due to some level of family trauma,” says Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D., founder of The Chesapeake Center and author of Still Distracted After All These Years (#CommissionsEarned). “The grandparents will need guidance in how to respond.”

Grandparents Report Social Isolation

Assuming caregiver responsibility again is an unexpected plot twist for many grandparents who live on a fixed income, or who may retire early or scale back on hours to meet parenting demands. Trisha Herrity says that when her second grandchild moved in, she took a year off from work. As in many grandparent-led households, strains on family finances mounted as child-rearing expenses, from medical bills to education costs, kicked in.

For these reasons and others, grandparents raising grandchildren often need emotional support, as few of them planned on raising adolescents in their retirement years. But that support can be hard to come by. In Adesman’s study, nearly one in three grandparents said they had no one to turn to for encouragement and support. This reveals another common challenge in grandfamilies: social isolation. “As a grandparent, you don’t fit in with anyone your own age, since your peers’ children are grown and gone,” says Susan Talley of Menifee, California. “And you don’t fit in with the parents of the other kids because of the generation gap.”

[Directory: Find an ADHD Specialist Near You]

And then there’s the physical toll: “My granddaughter wants to be constantly busy,” says Michael Jenkins of Aberdare, Wales, who is raising two grandchildren. “But at my age, I don’t always have the energy to keep up.”

In the years since these grandparents raised their own children, so much has changed: parenting practices, health beliefs, educational approaches, and, of course, technology. In Adesman’s study, almost half of the grandparents sampled said they were either unable to use, or had difficulty using, their grandchild’s school websites or portals. This barrier seriously impacts registering kids for school, reviewing homework assignments, and communicating effectively with teachers.

“Grateful for a Do-Over”

While the new landscape of parenting is tough to get used to, many grandparents raising grandkids with ADHD now see first-hand the benefits of early diagnosis and treatment, which in some cases eluded their own kids decades ago. “We know so much more about ADHD now,” says Nadeau. “I’ve heard many grandparents talk about being grateful for a do-over.”

Despite formidable challenges, Adesman says his study showed that, by and large, grandparents were doing very well in raising their grandkids with and without ADHD. “They often find it very rewarding and generally feel good about their decision,” he says.

In most grandfamilies, it seems, the effort required—and the rewards that come—are enormous.

“Sometimes it’s hard to go to the soccer game or the band concert because you’re tired and you’d rather stay home and rest,” says Adamec about raising her teen grandson. “But it is all worth it, a thousand times over.”

Resources for ADHD Grandfamilies

Here are a few sources of information and support for grandparents raising grandchildren:

• Generations United has a library of programs and ideas: gu.org
• HelpGuide, a nonprofit, offers articles on navigating the challenges of raising grandchildren: helpguide.org
• The site Grandfamilies.org provides legal resources and data
• The site RaisingYourGrandchildren.com offers support and information

Next Steps: Grandparents Raising Grandchildren with ADHD

• Download: Activity Ideas for ADHD Families
• Read: 10 Ways to Avoid Parenting Burnout
• Read: How to Find Parent Support Groups for ADHD Families

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Nicole C. Kear is a consumer health editor at ADDitude.

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As a parent with ADHD raising two children, one of whom is autistic, I needed to get a handle on things. What could I do to bounce back?

The answer was in a key rule I had forgotten: Put on your own oxygen mask first!

So, at 42, I created my own oxygen mask — a document I call my Individualized Excellence Plan (IEP).

Why My IEP Is My Oxygen Mask

As a teacher, I’m used to reviewing student Individualized Education Plans – documents designed by teachers, parents, and support personnel to help a student with learning needs achieve success in school. Students with special needs often require accommodations and other supports to achieve their personal best.

[Read: Not Neurotypical – a Survival Kit for ADHD Moms]

Borrowing inspiration from IEPs, I wanted to draft my own plan for success to help me harness the best of my brain and manage my ADHD – something I had not devoted much time to.

When I got my ADHD diagnosis at age 26, I was relieved. It was an explanation for the struggles I experienced throughout my life. But I didn’t think I needed a plan moving forward.

I was always a high achiever and managed an unusually high level of “busyness.” I simply accepted that waffling between fog and focus was my norm. I even declined the ADHD meds the doctor had prescribed.

Within five years of my diagnosis, I was married. Within five years of marriage, we had two small children. Life kept changing and I kept managing and moving things around. But was I making forward progress? It didn’t feel that way.

[Read: My ADHD Diagnosis Connected the Dots in My Life]

Crafting My Individualized Excellence Plan

I asked myself six questions as I crafted my plan to succeed with ADHD:

1. What are my goals?

Like most parents, I want to fulfill all of my responsibilities — and more. I want to be mentally and emotionally present to help my kids thrive.

2. What are my strengths?

I’m creative and resourceful. I’m comfortable meeting and talking to new people. I learn quickly, especially when there’s an urgent need or if the topic relates to my interests and values.

3. Where do I struggle?

Executing plans is hard for me. I have time blindness and poor working memory. Sometimes, my hyperfocus kicks in and I can catch up on tasks at the eleventh hour.

But my pattern is to “mask” – I don’t admit or even realize when I’m drowning. I don’t know I’m in bad shape, and I start to miss things.

4. What kind of instruction do I need?

I need solid deadlines and tasks with a clear beginning, middle, and end.

And while written instructions are helpful, my brain chemicals need help. I need to hear things out loud to understand and remember. I learn best during live instruction and in-person meetings, when I can talk with other people.

5. What kind of environment do I need?

Again, I work best when I’m around people in structured blocks of time. My ideas become complete through dialogue with others. If I’m on my own for too long, I struggle to get things done.

I need visual anchors like signs and labels. Also, having a defined place for everything helps reduce the frequency at which I forget or lose things.

6. What kind of assessments do I need to track progress?

For work projects, scheduled follow ups to discuss the task and face-to-face feedback helps me. At home, it’s helpful to regularly assess our family goals and progress. I often need help to set this up, though, and to make sure these check-ins happen.

From Surviving to Thriving

For so long, I didn’t realize that I needed help. But after outlining my own IEP, I finally feel like I can breathe. It’s a blessing to have found such clarity.

I’ve seen progress already in the last few months: more projects completed; fewer appointments forgotten; fewer items lost; socks clean and matching.

Though it’s not an official document, my plan was created with the help of my family, close friends, and coworkers. It’s intended to benefit them as well, and I’m growing more dependable and present for them.

My IEP is not a free pass to get out of responsibility – it’s the opposite. My IEP signals my commitment to understand my own neurodivergence.

Try on Your Own Oxygen Mask!

You don’t need to be neurodivergent to benefit from your own individualized plan. Begin with the questions I listed above to start to understand how you best function.

Put Your Oxygen Mask on First: Next Steps for ADHD Parents

• Free Download: A Guide to Raising Children for Caregivers with ADHD
• Read: The Motherhood Myth Is Crushing Women with ADHD
• Read: “Real Is Better Than Perfect” – Being a Good Mother with ADHD

Myra is a wife, mother, and teacher from Toronto who loves to write about #theBIGInSmallThings. When she’s not trying to find her keys or wallet, Myra loves drinking bubble tea and skateboarding with her family.

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Logistical challenges may tempt parents to cancel therapy sessions over the holidays or summer. But when lots of change is swirling around, that is seldom the best time for a treatment break. Here’s how to ensure uninterrupted care — no matter the time of year.

Co-Parenting Tips for Consistent ADHD Treatment

1. Keep Appointments

I hope your divorce settlement agreement stipulates that the custodial parent agrees to take the child to health care and/or therapy appointments. Winter break might mean you have your child during a time when you typically would not. Consider enlisting the help of the other parent if they’re more available. Access to ADHD treatment is in your child’s best interest.

[Get This Free Download: A Parent’s Guide to ADHD Medications]

2. Use a Shared Calendar

If you’re traveling, be sure to check your child’s shared calendar for regular appointments and reschedule them as needed — but remember to discuss this first with the other parent.

3. Agree on Expectations

Some of the biggest meltdowns occur when a child’s expectations are dashed, and they cannot emotionally manage a big disappointment. An agreement with your co-parent around expectations and consistency in routines across both homes may improve your child’s ability to regulate.

Year-round, consider the following:

• Together, meet with your child’s providers to determine a cohesive plan that works in both homes regarding bedtime, nutrition, discipline, and reward systems.
• It may be less confusing if one parent is assigned the management of appointments, doctor communication, prescriptions, and records.
• Consider whether each home needs a supply of medication or if you feel confident about having it travel back and forth. If your provider and insurance allow, consider duplicate prescriptions — or at least divide the medication so that each parent has an emergency supply should the medication get left behind.
• If one parent is more involved in the child’s treatment, there may be some fear that the other parent is not well-equipped to deal with the child’s ADHD. Be open to sharing treatment strategies and creating a document for the less experienced parent.

How to Treat ADHD in Children: Next Questions

1. What ADHD medications are used to treat children?
2. Is ADHD medication right for my child?
3. What are common side effects associated with ADHD medication?
   • How can I address appetite suppression caused by ADHD medication use?
   • How can I solve sleep problems associated with ADHD medication use?
   • What can I do if ADHD medication use causes tics?
   • How can I prevent the afternoon ‘medication crash?’
   • What if my child becomes a ‘zombie’ while taking meds?
   • Should my child take an ADHD medication vacation?
4. What natural treatments help kids with ADHD?
5. What if the medication stops working?
6. How can I find an ADHD specialist near me?

Co-Parenting with ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: The Kids Are Alright. But I’m Not.
• Free Infographic: Take Charge of Your Child’s Medication 
• Read: When Parents Disagree About ADHD Medications

Merriam R. Sarcia, LMFT, is a licensed therapist. This article was adapted from her book, Divorce & the ADHD Autistic Anxious Child: Creating a Parenting Plan for Your Child’s Unique Needs.(#CommissionsEarned)

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ADHD has a way of amplifying everything, from big emotions and household decibel levels to mom guilt. The latter washes over me in the instances when my ADHD inevitably bumps up against his and I yell at my child.

Transitions are often tenuous, especially bedtime that can resemble a mind-bending prime-time courtroom drama that morphs into a overwrought Italian opera: Toothpaste flies. Dogs run. Doors slam. There might be a few swear words. Even with all that, my child still hasn’t put on their pajamas. And sometimes that pushes me over the edge. I’m not proud of it, but I’m also not hiding it.

ADHD Mom Guilt and Parental Shame

I know that yelling is never the right response. It’s not good for my child or myself. Every time it happens, it’s another mark on my personal scale of failure – already scored from other parenting fumbles and mishaps that come from navigating a life with ADHD.

Of course, I’m insecure as a parent. (Aren’t we all?) But I also want to do it all: Be the parent who never yells. Be calm in every storm. Be a person my child will trust and always come to in difficulty. Streak sunshine and butterflies out of my mouth while juggling 13 glass balls filled with napalm. Post all about it on Instagram. Instead, I cry (or yell) with Sisyphean frustration. (If you can do all of the things, there’s a circus for you somewhere.)

[Get This Free Resource: A Parenting Guide for Moms & Dads with ADHD]

But you know what else isn’t good for anyone? Parental shame. Shame is a big emotion that stunts love and mutual respect. Always remember, just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean that you stop being human.

So when tempers eventually ebb and rational characters emerge from the monsters lumbering through the home, that’s when I can sit with my child and talk.

How to Apologize to Kids

The magic happens when I apologize. I try to steer clear of blaming, excusing, or detailing what caused my own big feelings. I simply apologize for how I handled them. I encourage my child to see that I am human, and that I screw up. I apologize to him for behaving in a way that made him mad or scared.

Adults make mistakes. Actually, adults make whopper mistakes compared to most kids. My goal is to have more good days than bad ones. But when bad days happen, it’s how we recover, re-center, and move on that really counts – and what I want my child to understand.

[Read: 3 Clarifying Principles for Raising a Child with ADHD]

Do I still religiously seek advice (especially from ADDitude) for how to better navigate ADHD while helping my son with his? Yup! I just try to remember that the parenting advice comes from a place of support and kinship. Mostly, I realize that I’m not the only one struggling to grapple with my own dark parenting moments.

If “mother” is the word for God in the lips and hearts of all children (thank you, The Crow), then I hope I would be a benevolent God(dess). I hope to show my children that mistakes happen, that progress is paramount, and authentic apologies can bridge seemingly impassible chasms. A long hug helps, too. Always.

Mom Guilt, ADHD, and How to Apologize to Kids: Next Steps

• Free Download: 10 Things You Should Never Say to Your Child
• Read: The Motherhood Myth Is Crushing Women with ADHD
• Read: The Blessings (and Trials) of Parenting with ADHD

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Intense emotions and difficulty regulating them are core features of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which also happens to be highly hereditary. That means that caregivers with ADHD who are raising emotionally triggered children will understandably have a difficult time controlling their own responses to their kids’ emotions.

But that does not excuse parents for serving as poor role models for their children. It may be difficult to reason with your husband in the heat of the moment, so in a moment of calm, talk to him about his responses. Tell him that you expect more restraint and control on his part — not for him to mirror your son’s explosive responses. Remind your spouse that there is much more at stake for the whole family than winning an argument, and that everyone in the family deserves to live in an atmosphere of respect. Ask your spouse, “How are these repetitive arguments working for you?’ to emphasize that no one really wins in these arguments — the whole family pays the price. Encourage your husband to think about how proud he’ll be if he practices as much self-control as possible, and how that will translate to a better relationship with his son.

[Get This Free Download: How to Deal with Anger From Your Child]

Similarly, find a moment of calm where you can speak to your child about his responses. This time, ask your son what he achieves, if anything, from fighting with his dad. Your son will likely admit or realize that he gains nothing — and that will be your entry point to talk about different methods he can use to achieve what he wants most: to be heard.

The next time an argument breaks out, act as a referee would with boxers in the ring and separate your husband and son into neutral corners. (Different rooms, if possible.) Try to distract them from their own ADHD emotions to de-escalate their intense feelings, or at least prevent them from going off the rails. Remind them of your previous conversations, and that talking to one another in a civil, polite way is the surest way for both of them to get what they want.

Family Fights and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: A Parenting Guide for Caregivers with ADHD
• Read: My ADHD Husband and Son Are at Each Other’s Throats!
• Read: How to Keep the Peace in Your ADHD Family

The content for this article was derived, in part, from the ADDitude Mental Health Out Loud episode titled, “How to De-escalate Explosive Stress Reactions” [Video Replay and Podcast #409] with William Dodson, M.D., which was broadcast live on June 29, 2022.

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Anxious children look to adults to help them process these deeply disturbing events. The challenge for parents and teachers comes down to this: How can we talk to our students about school shootings without causing alarm, adding to their anxiety, or being dismissive of their fears?
Use these scripts to help kids feel reassured and empowered about school safety:

Set the right tone.

Put aside time when you and your child are rested and comfortable. Minimize interruptions. Sit where you can see your child.

• For elementary-age children: Sit on the floor or at a low table together. They might like to have something to do with their hands, such as play with clay. Then, open with an invitation to share. It might go like this: “One of my jobs as your parent is to be sure you are safe. Let’s talk about school. What helps you feel safe at school?” If your child does not say much, try this: “What things do they do at school to keep kids safe?”
• For middle and high school children: Go for a walk or sit at a park. Show them you’re silencing your phone and ask them to silence theirs. Begin with something like this: “I know you’ve heard about the awful things that have happened at other schools where people have gotten hurt. What are your thoughts and feelings about these incidents?” Then use your best active-listening skills, such as nodding, reflecting, and paraphrasing. Watch for signs of anxiety, such as picking at fingernails. Try not to interrupt but do invite elaboration (“Tell me more.”).
• For all ages: Regardless of what they share, validate their feelings. Use the words they use. Younger children may not have the language skills to express their feelings but can describe physical sensations, such as a stomachache. If your child is distressed, give him a hug or put your hand on his shoulder to show support.

[Free Download: How Well Does Your Teen Regulate Emotions?]

Offer reassurance.

Let your child know that, although it is possible, gun violence at her school is unlikely. Offer examples of ways in which adults keep students safe at school and remind her that she can take an active role too. Children feel less anxiety when they have a sense of control over the situation.

• For elementary-age children: Say something like, “Remember that time we were late, and the door was locked, and we had to be buzzed in? That’s one way the adults know who is coming and going. Listening to your teachers and telling an adult if you see a door propped open are things you can do to keep school safe.”
• For middle and high school students: Consider saying, “There are lots of procedures in place to help your school stay safe. Locking all the doors during the day and not allowing backpacks in the hallways keep your school secure. Do you feel like your school is doing enough?” Listen and validate. Then follow up with, “And there are things you can do to help keep school safe, like reporting threats to administrators, and not opening outside doors for strangers. If you have other ideas, share them with your teachers. I can help with that if you want.”

Wrap up the conversation.

Briefly summarize what you heard your child say, remind her of steps she can take, and invite her to come to you with future concerns. Over the next few days and weeks, watch for signs of anxiety, such as changes in eating or sleeping patterns, or becoming withdrawn or clingy. After about a week, check in again by saying, “Remember that talk we had about school safety? Any more thoughts on that?”

Keep in mind: If you believe your child needs help, reach out to a mental health care provider for support.

[Download: 9 Truths About ADHD and Intense Emotions]

More Resources on School Shootings

The National Association of School Psychologists offers tips for parents and teachers on talking to kids about violence: www.nasponline.org

The National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement at Children’s Hospital in Los Angeles provides resources and tips for school personnel and for grieving students in the aftermath of a crisis: www.schoolcrisiscenter.org

Parenting and Tough Emotions: Next Steps

• Read: How Do You Reassure Your Anxious Child When You’re Scared, Too?
• Watch: Managing Anxiety in Youth and Adolescents
• Download: 5 Ways to Improve Emotional Control at Home

Cheryl Chase, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice near Cleveland, Ohio.

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Here, eight ADDitude readers tell us how they manage their kids’ sensory sensitivities — and avoid tears and sensory meltdowns when the world gets loud and bright. Does your child have sensory difficulties? Share your sensory-safe strategies in the comments below.

“We knew from a very young age that our son was sensitive to bright lights and loud sounds, not to mention large crowds of people. We’ve never gone to the main area in town to see fireworks — we go to a quieter spot a good ways away.” — Alison, Maryland

“We have a family member who’s a race car driver. My daughter wears headphones or earplugs at the track. We watch the sound levels all the time, but we don’t avoid the fun!” — An ADDitude Reader

“My daughter has always been extremely sensitive to loud noises. She would cry when people sang happy birthday, clapped, or even laughed! She is 11 now and has improved greatly. She doesn’t like these things, but she’s learned to tolerate them with the help of noise-canceling headphones.” — Caron, Canada

[Self-Test: Sensory Processing Disorder in Children]

“It’s been a little disappointing for me as a parent because I love fireworks, and I miss them. But I want my daughter to feel comfortable and safe more than I want to see fireworks shows. It’s a small sacrifice. I think every family needs to balance their collective needs against the needs of their neurodivergent kid.” — Lauren, Virginia

“I couldn’t even take my daughter into stores as a baby; they were too bright and noisy. She would cry and scream as soon as we got inside. We tried fireworks when she was about 3 and she started crying as soon as they started. We have only watched them on TV since then.” — An ADDitude Reader

“We no longer go to fireworks. Up until age 10, my son hated them and screamed and we had to leave. It was torture. We finally realized it’s just not a match. We tried noise-canceling headphones, and sunglasses, and it just did not work for him. We have awesome fireflies in our area, so we watch those together instead. It’s a great fit for us.” — An ADDitude Reader

“My little one does not like the noise of fireworks, but his sister and father adore them. So he and I stay inside and watch through the door or window, or he covers his ears outside if it’s a smaller cracker, and he can enjoy the sights without the impact of the sounds.” — An ADDitude Reader

[Download: Could It Be Sensory Processing Disorder?]

“We are currently going through testing with our 7-year-old, who has had sound sensitivities since he was 2. We’ve avoided firework displays until last year, when he asked to go and we gave him ear defenders.” — Louis H.

Sensory Sensitivity in Kids: Next Steps

• Read: How to Help a Child With Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD 
• Watch: Sensory-Smart Strategies for Children with Sensory Processing Disorder
• Read: How to Treat Sensory Processing Disorder

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Mothers with ADHD are dynamic, socially anxious, creative, disorganized, passionate, emotionally sensitive, and sometimes all of the above at the same time. No two moms with ADD are alike, but many of their children recall similar snapshots of growing up under the umbrella of neurodivergence. Here, ADDitude readers recalled their childhoods raised by moms with ADHD, and how they’re managing the relationship today. Share your story in the Comments section below.

“Life was exciting and still is. I consciously choose to embrace her love of life, novelty, and love of learning. The positive chaos we lived in made me and my siblings resilient and open to change.” — An ADDitude Reader

“My mom has undiagnosed ADHD, and I was only diagnosed recently as an adult. I was homeschooled by my mother, and I never realized how much I needed and appreciated the unique accommodations she made until I went to traditional school. As an adult, I appreciate the things that make my mom creative and unique. This allows me to empathize and offer encouragement and understanding. It allows me to be patient with her as I’m learning to be patient with myself.” — H.W., Colorado

“My mom was always running late and very chronically stressed out. Unfortunately, at the time my mom needed help the most, mental health and ADHD carried such a stigma that I’m sure she felt that she couldn’t get help. I pushed myself to seek help for the depression and anxiety I was experiencing, which ultimately uncovered my ADHD. I wish my mom had had the same help I did when she needed it most.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I had very little routine as a child. When mum was home, I had to look after her. She needed constant reminders for things and experienced a lot of anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria. I remember watching their mood swings and deciding that I just wouldn’t ever be angry.” — An ADDitude Reader

[Free Download: When Mom Has ADHD, Too]

“My mother and I would constantly butt heads and fight over things. I now realize we were trying to communicate as if we were neurotypical. When this epiphany hit, I started communicating with her as if she had ADHD like me. We have been closer now that we do this!” — An ADDitude Reader

“Routines were chaos as a child — both parents have ADHD and were very much in denial about the impact of this on their parenting. Since finding out I have ADHD, I have a new view on my relationship with my mother and this allows me to have more understanding and forgiveness for her. She was just trying her best with no understanding of the barriers that ADHD caused her.” — Vic, England

“Mum seldom sat still; she always had to move around and be doing something. This didn’t impact me, as I assumed this was how all mums acted, but it drove my dad crazy. Honestly, I don’t think she ever wanted kids, but times were different then. After seeing her photo album from before she became a parent, I am convinced she got pregnant by mistake and was forced to marry. She was young, very good looking, had many friends, traveled, and seemed to be living the ‘vida loca.’ Then she had to swap this for the life of a traditional mum.” — An ADDitude Reader

“My mother is undiagnosed, but I was deeply affected by her disorganization, dysfunction, and impulsivity in my childhood — and today. She wants very badly to be a helpful part of my life, but she cannot stay focused when I’m talking to her. Knowing more about my own ADHD has helped me become more empathetic, but it’s very hard to feel close.” — An ADDitude Reader

“My mom had undiagnosed ADHD while I was growing up, a fact she is coming to terms with only now that I’m navigating my own diagnosis. I know she felt ashamed that she couldn’t figure out how to pay bills or send Christmas presents on time. Now that I’m accepting my differences, my mom is getting to learn about herself, as well. We now have a new language around how our brains work, and we are learning together how to embrace, rather than resist, our unique mental landscapes.” — Caitlin, USA

“My Mom Has ADHD:” Next Steps

• Symptom Test: Signs of ADHD in Women
• Special Report: ADHD Impairment Peaks in Menopause
• Resource Center: For Women with ADHD

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I also recognized early on that my boy was off-the-charts sensitive — physically, emotionally, intellectually, and sensorially. The world around him was always too much. Because of that, Owen had exacting standards, which required exacting parenting. Everything had to be exact to avoid a meltdown. I heated his towels in the dryer for exactly 5 minutes, or else he’d refuse to get out of the bath. I adjusted his shoes endlessly until they were exactly right. I read him the same books, rocked him in my arms in a pitch-black room, and quietly walked out of his room at 7 p.m. on the dot.

As Owen grew, his vast energy and wild behavior became his defining features. My mother, who has ADHD, accurately identified his brain type before he was officially diagnosed. “He’s one of us,” she declared.

I was confused. I saw so much of myself – the ultra-sensitivity, unbridled fits of rage, and a desire to control – in Owen. And I couldn’t have ADHD myself. Surely there was something else that explained our shared lens on the world.

The Truth Comes Out

Over time, as I tried to make sense of my son’s familiar quirks, I realized that I couldn’t hide from myself any longer. The truth was that I had always felt different. I was either too much, too little, or just wrong. At a young age, I had crafted an elaborate mask to hide my differences from the world, but the older I got, the more ill-fitting that mask became. I was also in denial over my differences. Like a child with a blanket over their head, I believed that my differences would disappear if I didn’t acknowledge them. And yet, I saw myself in Owen.

[Get This Free Download: The Guide to Autism in Adults]

Three days before my 38th birthday, I was diagnosed with autism. Sitting before the gentle, understanding gaze of the diagnosing psychologist, herself an autistic person with ADHD, I finally released all my truths. And as I talked, I kept going back to Owen. How watching him grow up brought up memories of my own childhood. How his rightness eased a lifelong pain that I was somehow wrong. I was being reborn through my loving, unconditional acceptance of my children.

New Ways of Seeing

An autistic mom to an ADHD son, I left my evaluation with a new perception of myself and my child. Like a true autist, I dove into the research to understand just how fundamentally overlapping ADHD and autism can be. Now I look at my son and can say: I see you. I see you because I know what you are experiencing from the inside out.

I see your sensory sensitivity that erupts into meltdowns over itchy hairs no one can see, pants that “jiggle,” and socks that shift imperceptibly in your shoes.

I see your shoddy memory that can lose key details, yet helps you recall specific, random facts.

[Read: Is It ADHD or Autism? Or Both?]

I see your discomfort with eye contact and your urge to wiggle, bounce, and tap your fingers. I see you stimming to calm down or find focus.

I see your giant passions that overshadow everything else in your life, and how you’ll lose yourself in thought, blind to the passage of time.

Make no mistake that ADHD and autism are distinct conditions. And yet, though we are not the same, we are deeply aligned. Until I learned to see my neurodivergent, autistic self, I lacked the key to unlock our sameness. Blind to my own truth, I could not see you fully. But now, I see you, my marvelously-wired child. I see you, and I love what I see.

Autistic Mom, ADHD Child: Next Steps

• Self-Test: Autism Spectrum Disorder in Adults
• Read: Autism vs. ADHD – A Parent’s Guide to Tricky Diagnoses
• Blog: “Building a Life That’s Right for Me – On Living with Autism and ADHD”

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Read more reader responses below to our question: “The best advice I’ve ever received about parenting a child with ADHD is … ” Have parenting tips of your own to share, or unforgettable advice you’ve received? Share your answers in the Comments section below.

14 Neurodivergent Parenting Tips for ADHD Families

“Never respond to anger with anger (or frustration with frustration). Sometimes love, patience, and acceptance are needed to soothe the other.” — Dena, California

“Understand how the ADHD brain is wired. Behavior is not intentional.” — Jen, North Carolina

“‘You’re allowed to be human.’ My friend once told me this, and it has become my mantra for fighting off perfectionism, negativity, and shame.”  — Toni, Minnessota

[Get This Free Download: 50 Rules for Raising a Child with ADHD]

“Don’t worry about chronological age, especially with boys. Instead, always look at whether he is doing better than he was six months ago, a year ago, etc.”  — An ADDitude Reader

“Giving myself the permission to parent my kids and not listen to the uninvited opinions of others has been liberating.” — Debs, United Kingdom

“Keep trying until you find what clicks, and never be afraid to be a voice for your child and advocate for what they need, whether it’s an IEP at school, medication, therapy, etc.” — Steph, Michigan

“Don’t be so serious about forgetting things. Give your child (and yourself) one pass a month to forget an assignment, test, whatever — and don’t freak out about it.  It’s not the end of the world.” — Sara, Michigan

[Read: The Blessings (and Trials) of Parenting with ADHD]

“I was officially diagnosed with ADHD at age 75. I am learning now that I was not defective, had value, and could do things right, even though my parents never said so. Now I have a 16-year-old grandson with ADHD. I’ve learned that he doesn’t overreact because he wants to. He doesn’t know how to calm himself. He visits me when he needs peace, attention, and acceptance.” ­— An ADDitude Reader

“See your child’s gifts and talents — their enthusiasm, exuberance, appreciation for details in nature, ability to hyperfocus on their interest. That’s who they are. Learn to go with their flow and enjoy the ride along the way.” — Cara, Texas

“Keep instructions to one or maybe two at a time. Praise the accomplished step, then provide the next instruction. This ensures success and builds confidence.” — Olivia, Texas

“Cut yourself some slack and drop everything to have fun once in a while.” — Melissa, California

“Take deep breaths; realize that there is nothing wrong with your child. They’re just wired differently.” — Deana, Nevada

“Pick your battles. Also, kids with ADHD need empathy.” — An ADDitude Reader

“Let go. Plan as best you can but leave room for detours.” — Erin, New York

Neurodivergent Parenting Tips: Next Steps

• Free Download: 13-Step Guide to Raising a Child with ADHD
• Read: How to Shepherd — Not Carry — Your Child Toward Fulfillment
• Blog: “How I Learned to Live in the Moment — and Ignore Strangers’ Stares”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

It’s the late ’80s. I’m 6 years old, waiting outside of my elementary school for my mom to pick me up. She is running very late, and it’s almost time for school to close. The grownups, horrified by my mom’s transgression, try to comfort me with all-too-cheery, reassuring words: “I’m sure she’ll be here at any moment, sweetie. I am sure she didn’t forget you!”

Meanwhile, I knew the truth — that my mom had absolutely forgotten about me and that she was not on her way to pick me up from school. I imagined the panicked look on my mom’s face – a look I knew all too well – as she realized that she’d forgotten something important. Then the swirling rush to get here as quickly as possible. That was my normal, and the grownups’ efforts to indicate otherwise scared me.

Back then, we did not have a name for people like my mom, who’s now in her 70s. She laughed loudly and talked fast. She said everything on her mind and waved her hands as she spoke. She loved the beach, and kept a beach packing list on a detailed notecard. Though she had an immaculate color-coded filing system for some things, our house was always a colossal mess, full of stacks of paper, dog-eared magazines, and piles of unfolded laundry.

She was magnetic; her friends loved her and loved to spend time at our house, which was always well stocked with orange soda and sour cream potato chips. In our Southern world of twinset-wearing JC Penney moms in minivans, my mom wore slippers and drove a giant electric green camper.

I loved her freedom and joy. She was the mom who propped us up onto the furniture to dance to beach music, cranked at full volume. I loved that she let us eat fried chicken and bananas, the two items always in the grocery cart that she’d load up with enough food to last us a month at a time.

[Get This Free Parenting Guide for Moms & Dads with ADHD]

I loved my mother, and I hated her, too. At least, I thought I hated her at times. I hated the judgment that she attracted by daring to show up differently. I didn’t know it until I got older, but the hate I felt wasn’t actually toward my mom, but rather toward the rest of the world, which didn’t make room for people like her.

In Radical Pursuit of an ADHD Diagnosis

We first heard of “attention deficit disorder” in the ’90s, when I was a teenager. That’s all it took for my mother to bravely pursue an ADHD diagnosis for herself — a rare and unusual diagnosis for adults at the time. Nevertheless, the diagnosis transformed her life. Finally, with a name for her strengths and struggles, she embraced her identity and medication, empowering my brother to do the same once he was diagnosed with ADHD.

My mom’s adult ADHD diagnosis was my introduction to neurodiversity. But it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with autism at age 38 that I truly understood how much of a radical trailblazer my mom was.

As I sat through my autism evaluation, recalling some of the most painful experiences of my life, I felt the searing gaze of the medical establishment sorting and categorizing my experiences into evidence and symptoms. The evaluation forced me to peel back so many layers and confront my deepest fear – that I was categorically different.

[Read: When ADHD (Literally) Runs in the Family]

I wondered how my mother had endured her ADHD evaluation without the gift of the supportive online community that enfolds me today. I marveled at her endurance as a neurodivergent child of the ’50s and a neurodivergent mother of the ’80s. A loud, brash, impulsive character in a world that loved small, quiet moms who conformed.

After four decades, I finally see my mother for who she is: A godmother of today’s neurodiversity movement. A maverick. A leader.

On the Shoulders of Giants

Friends of mine still struggle to access evaluations, medication, and acceptance as adult women with ADHD. I am astounded by my mother’s courage and vulnerability to get a diagnosis 25 years ago. She stayed true to herself despite the forces that shamed and judged her. She created a family where two neurodivergent children could thrive.

As I fight to get my own children diagnosed and to shape a world where they can be their full selves, I am grateful for all who came before and made the world a bit kinder, a bit wider, and a bit more welcoming for those of us outside the norm.

To my mother, and all mothers with ADHD, I salute you for your courage. I honor you for your wisdom. And I thank you for changing the world, simply by being yourself.

A Tribute to My ADHD Mom: Next Steps

• Free Download: Is It ADHD? A Resource for Women
• Self-Test: ADHD Symptoms in Women
• Read: “To My Kids: A Love Letter from Your Scatterbrained, Unpredictable, Truly Lucky Mom”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

ADHD is largely genetic. A child with ADHD often has at least one parent with ADHD – and all of the emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, and executive function challenges that go with it. This double (or triple, or quadruple, or…) dose of ADHD can complicate the parent-child relationship, and those complications typically manifest differently with mothers vs. fathers. This is true even when a parent doesn’t have the condition.

For fathers who have ADHD, difficulties with parenting might surface when their child’s ADHD causes academic or behavioral challenges that remind them of their own difficulties growing up — and/or of their own parents’ harsh responses to those difficulties at a time when ADHD was not well understood. For fathers without ADHD, understanding their child’s thinking and behavior might pose an even bigger challenge.

In this webinar, fathers with and without ADHD will:

• Discover ways to manage your own stress so you can set a calmer tone at home
• Explore approaches to improve your relationship with your child
• Learn strategies to help your child get things done and fulfill their responsibilities
• Distinguish between a reason and an excuse when looking at how ADHD affects your child
• Learn to determine when to accommodate your child’s struggles, and when to encourage them to push through

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Download or Stream the Podcast Audio

Click the play button below to listen to this episode directly in your browser, click the symbol to download to listen later, or open in your podcasts app: Apple Podcasts; Google Podcasts; Stitcher; Spotify; Amazon Music; iHeartRADIO.

More on ADHD and Fathers:

• Download: Parenting Guide for Moms & Dads with ADHD
  
• Read: Calling Dads with ADHD — How to Have a Calm, Loving Relationship with Your Child
  
• Read: Fatherhood Rules — How to Be a Good Dad When Your Child Needs You Most

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on June 15, 2022, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker:

Brendan Mahan, M.Ed., M.S., an internationally recognized ADHD/Executive Function coach, a highly engaging, sought-after speaker, and the host of the ADHD Essentials Podcast. A former teacher, mental health counselor, and principal, Brendan helps individuals, families, schools, and businesses manage the challenges of ADHD and neurodiversity through an approach that blends education, collaborative problem-solving, and accountability with compassion, humor, a focus on strengths and growth, and his trademark “Wall of Awful” model. Contact him at brendan@ADHDessentials.com.

Listener Testimonials

“As an ADHD dad of a kid with ADHD, I found this webinar extremely helpful.”

“Changed my point of view on my sons completely! Thank you so much.”

“Brendan was great. Really dynamic speaker with lots of great points.”

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Brain Balance is a holistic cognitive development program designed to help kids with ADHD, Learning Differences, Anxiety & beyond. An exploratory study with Harvard’s McLean Hospital found the Brain Balance Program to be as effective as low-dose stimulant medication in alleviating ADHD symptoms in children. Visit brainbalance.com to learn more about Brain Balance today.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
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Parents are critical to the success of their children with ADHD. But parenting a child with ADHD is stressful and can take an emotional toll, depleting our ability to meet all of our kids’ needs. In addition, some parents of children with ADHD struggle with ADHD and related disorders themselves. Parents who themselves battle daily with organization, motivation, and/or mood difficulties may need extra support — yet they rarely prioritize their own health and wellbeing.

In this webinar, we will discuss some simple strategies for promoting the emotional health of parents of children with ADHD.

In this webinar, you will learn about:

• The ADHD challenges specific to mothers with ADHD parenting children with ADHD
• The roadblocks that typically get in the way of effective ADHD treatment for parents
• Everyday strategies for addressing parents’ symptoms

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Download or Stream the Podcast Audio

Click the play button below to listen to this episode directly in your browser, click the symbol to download to listen later, or open in your podcasts app: Apple Podcasts; Google Podcasts; Stitcher; Spotify; Amazon Music; iHeartRADIO.

More on ADHD in Mothers

• Download: Parenting Guide for Moms & Dads with ADHD
• Read: Like Mother, Like Child: When ADHD Is a Family Affair
• Read: Overwhelmed Mom Syndrome — It’s a Real Thing

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on May 3, 2022, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker:

Dr. Chronis-Tuscano is a professor at the University of Maryland and Director of the UMD ADHD Program and UMD SUCCEEDS College ADHD Clinic. Her research focuses broadly on understanding early predictors of developmental outcomes for children with ADHD and developing novel treatments which target these early risk and protective factors. Much of this research has addressed issues related to parenting and parent mental health.

Dr. Chronis-Tuscano is the Past-President of the International Society for Research in Child and Adolescent Psychopathology; Associate Editor of the Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology; Fellow of the Society for Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology; Fellow of the Association for Psychological Science; Fellow of the Association for Behavioral & Cognitive Therapies (ABCT); former Associate Editor of the Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology; and standing member of the NIMH Mental Health Services Research (SERV) review committee. She is the recipient of multiple NIH grants and has served on several NIH review committees relevant to developmental psychopathology and interventions. Dr. Chronis-Tuscano is also the author of Supporting Caregivers of Children with ADHD: An Integrated Parenting Program (#CommissionsEarned).

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Listener Testimonials

“This webinar was incredibly informative and presented at a helpful pace. Thank you!”

“Good webinar! Easy structure to follow, and important/useful tips. Appreciate the concrete suggestions for how to care for myself, as well as the reminder that my own self care benefits my kid with ADHD and the rest of my family as well.”

“The speaker was very insightful, realistic, and non-judgmental. Thank you!”

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify | Google Play | Amazon Music | RadioPublic | Pocket Casts | iHeartRADIO | Stitcher