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As a teen, Taylor* struggled to develop intimate social relationships with her peers. She felt compelled to drink in nearly any social setting — including on dates and around boys. In high school and college, she never ‘hooked up’ with a man without being under the influence. At age 29 — after years of low self-esteem and criticism — Beth finally had her first healthy romantic relationship.

“I dated loser after loser, unavailable men, dangerous men,” Taylor, a woman with ADHD, told ADDitude. “I never had a ‘real’ relationship until I met my future husband at age 29. We didn’t marry until I was 33.”

Taylor was the last of her siblings, and of her small friend group, to get married.

“People always told me that I wouldn’t find a husband, that no man would ever love me, etc. My self-esteem was garbage, and it was reflected in all of my dating decisions.”

Low self-esteem and lagging social skills are common for children with ADHD. With the proper treatment plan, teens can go on to have healthy and successful relationships. But for women and girls — who often go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed ^{1, 2} — the impact of untreated ADHD cannot be understated.

[Download: Hormones & Symptoms of ADHD in Women]

We asked ADDitude readers: “How has ADHD influenced your decisions about dating, marriage, and other relationships?” Answer this questions yourself in the Comments section, above.

How Does ADHD Affect Relationship Decisions?

“Before I was diagnosed, I was easily manipulated by a narcissist who didn’t need to try hard to make me fall into patterns of masking. By the time we divorced, I had masked so much and for so long that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. My ADHD influenced me by thinking I could publicly prove my worth if I married again. That was an even bigger disaster… I have remarried — yes, for a third time — but since being diagnosed, I understand myself, my needs, and my worth to a level that allowed me the confidence to talk with my current husband calmly and openly about my struggles. It’s not paradise all the time, but it is healthy and supportive.” — Brianna, Iowa

“I have been impulsive with all of my relationships prior to being medicated. I either move in quickly, get married quickly, or have children quickly without paying attention to the red flags.” — Courtney, New York

“Absolutely; [there was] lots of risk-taking in [my] late teens and early 20s. Lots of impulsive sex, forgotten contraception, zoning out, and not interpreting male behavior correctly. I put undeserving men on pedestals because of my own lack of self-worth, a lifetime of negative self-talk, and what I didn’t know were ADHD symptoms.” — An ADDitude reader

[Read: Why ADHD in Women is Routinely Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, & Treated Inadequately]

“Though I did not realize it when I was younger, I see now that my ADHD had a huge influence on my relationships — both romantic and platonic. If I was around someone frequently in school or work, I found it much easier to keep up with those relationships. Once a situation changed and required any level of effort on my part to keep up with the relationship, it would begin to fade. I still find it extremely difficult to initiate phone calls, texts, and get-togethers. With my spouse, I forget to call or text during the day. It’s like out of sight, out of mind.” — Gina, Florida

“It makes my marriage much harder because my spouse doesn’t understand (he says he tries) why my ADHD brain works the way it does. I have realized that maybe being married isn’t for me, but I am not confident enough to do anything about it.” — An ADDitude reader

“Over the years, I’ve learned that the level of stress and shame in my life is directly proportional to the efforts I make to have relationships of any kind. So, I don’t. Isolation isn’t ideal, but it’s easier and less stressful than trying to maintain friendships or romantic relationships.” — An ADDitude reader

“Since I got my diagnosis, my relationships with many people have changed — mostly because of their prejudices against ADHD. But my relationship with my fiancé and our daughter has greatly improved because we now know why I am the way I am. It helps to avoid lots of conflicts that would have evolved to arguments before my diagnosis.” — An ADDitude reader

“My ADHD played a significant part in my decision to stop dating and spend more time alone. I like and understand myself! I don’t have to apologize for my clutter. And I’m fortunate, after one marriage, to have produced a wonderful young adult son with whom I share this complex and creative brain condition.” — Kathy, California

“Unknowingly, yes. Neither one of us was diagnosed at the time, but I remember breaking off an engagement with a very smart, nice young man because we both seemed to have difficulties with follow-through on household (and other) tasks. I knew our budget would be very tight, and I had trouble with maintaining a strict budget. I knew just these two issues were more than enough to cause us serious problems.” — Victoria

[ADDitude Directory: Find an ADHD Coach]

“My daughter is always educating others on the limitations and difficulties of living with ADHD. She works hard every day to keep her coping skills at above-normal levels. She does not want to date or marry another person with ADHD as she feels daily life would be difficult, especially when she becomes a parent.” — Barbara, Georgia

“I was diagnosed when I was already in a relationship with my current partner. My partner also has ADHD and is part of the reason why I was finally diagnosed. I think if anything happens in the future and we are no longer together, I would look for a partner who is supportive of my ADHD.” — An ADDitude reader

“My relationship is just ending after 19 years largely because of ADHD, I believe. She is never able to just laugh over things that go wrong, whether because of my ADHD or our sons. I grew up in a family that always said, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff,’ and some of our funniest memories are of things that went awry. I am in no hurry to look for another serious relationship in my lifetime. I’ll stick with my friends who love me as I am.” — Janice, California

“Marriage has become a struggle; we believe all four of us have ADHD. No one is good at follow-ups on low-interest items. We have sought outside advice on how to distribute tasks, partner better, and learn coping skills.” — An ADDitude reader

“It is difficult to form relationships when you are always talking. Learning to listen has been difficult.” — Lisa, North Carolina

“Sometimes I have to limit my time with friends or family members who try to change my bad habits. It’s overwhelming.” — Donna, Georgia

“My spouse and my daughter have ADHD. I realized that I need to preserve energy and have to say ‘no’ to things I would like to say ‘yes’ to in order to preserve my well-being.” — An ADDitude reader

*Name has been changed to protect anonymity.

Women with ADHD & Dating: Next Steps

• Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Read: From Love Bombing to Boredom
• Read: The Rules of Dating (and Breaking Up) with ADHD

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹ 1 Kessler R.C., Adler L., Barkley R., et al. (2006). The prevalence and correlates of adult ADHD in the United States: results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Am J Psychiatry, 163(4):716-723. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.2006.163.4.716

²  Slobodin, O., & Davidovitch, M. (2019). Gender differences in objective and subjective measures of ADHD among clinic-referred children. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 13, 441. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2019.00441

The concept of the midlife crisis began a century ago with Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, who argued that greater self-awareness and self-actualization in midlife leads to a fear of impending death. Critics challenge whether mortality-related anxiety is actually to blame for the drastic life changes so commonly associated with midlife crisis: divorce, job loss, and convertible acquisition.

Research suggests that 10% to 20% of adults will experience a midlife crisis.¹ Among adults with ADHD, that number is considerably higher: 59% of men aged 40 and older, and 51% of women aged 40 and older said they have experienced a “period of emotional turmoil in middle age frequently characterized by a strong desire for change,” according to a recent ADDitude survey of 1,829 adults with ADHD.

The 690 women and 228 men who responded in the affirmative shared stories of career upheaval, infidelity, divorce, money problems, substance abuse, and burnout. For some, the change was more like a “midlife catharsis” that was long overdue; for others, it was traumatic.

“I divorced my narcissistic ex, started graduate school to become an educator, met the best man I’ve ever known, fell in love (for real this time), and earned two black belts during about an 18-month span of time,” wrote one 49-year-old mother in Washington.

[Take This Self-Test: Do I Have ADHD?]

“I didn’t feel I was able to function in the world,” wrote a 49-year-old male who rated his ADHD symptoms as “life-altering” in his 40s. “I left a seven-year relationship with my partner and stepdaughter, quit my job with no other job to go to, and went to live at a Buddhist monastery.”

These may seem like extreme examples, but the root causes of these crises — namely, ADHD traits like impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and restlessness — form a ribbon snaking through many of the ADDitude survey respondents’ answers. Indeed, 81% of men and 71% of women who said they have experienced a midlife crisis attributed it to ADHD symptoms and attributes.

“I believe my midlife crisis was a perfect storm of life-stage dissatisfaction, perimenopause, a poor relationship, and the upsurge of previously well-masked ADHD symptoms due to stress, hormonal deficiency, and increased emotional dysregulation (oh, and lockdown!),” wrote a 53-year-old mother who quit her job and divorced her husband of 28 years. “I experienced a peak in my impulsivity, libido, mood changes, and interests in new and varied topics, which I pursued in ways that my husband saw as distractions from the marriage. I needed new stimulation and to get out of old situations that were no longer serving me.”

Here are more stories of ADHD’s impact at midlife, from ADDitude readers reflecting on their experiences:

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Source

¹Lachman, Margie E. (2003). Development in Midlife. Annual Review of Psychology. Vol. 55:305-331. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.55.090902.141521

I have another therapist whom I see on my phone, too. But unlike Stephanie, this therapist starts a session by asking if I would like to “get help with a problem,” “work on my goal” (which has been decided for me), or “track and journal.” Also unlike Stephanie, this therapist is available 24/7 — but doesn’t remember my big parties, my book launches, my successes, or my failures.

This therapist is named Woebot, and it’s a therapeutic chatbot powered by artificial intelligence (AI).

A free app available for both Apple and Android devices, Woebot serves “tens of thousands” of users daily, said its founder and president, psychologist Allison Darcy, in The New York Times in 2021. Based on principles of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and “natural language processing,” Woebot engages users in text-based conversations, and is designed to help people cope with stress, anxiety, and depression in a growing field of mental health tools.

Woebot tells me during our chats that it can also help with my anger, procrastination, and guilt — common issues for people living with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It sounds useful: America is plagued by a therapist shortage and long wait times for care. The high cost of therapy can also be a barrier. If you can’t find a therapist and you need one fast, a free chatbot built on sound CBT-based science sounds tempting.

My advice: Resist.

[Read: The Top 6 Mental Health Apps, According to ADDitude Readers]

WoeBot Woes

Woebot assumes neurotypicality. It expects that all brains can be retrained to cope with negative emotions using the same therapeutic model. But ADHD brains process information and emotions differently.

For example, Woebot doesn’t understand that people with ADHD have big, all-consuming emotions. When I told it I was mad, Woebot told me to “imagine my emotions had a voice.” Wait, what? I was in total rage mode when it asked me to write down three of my angry thoughts. So I did, albeit poorly. It then asked me to identify my “cognitive distortions” — i.e., thought patterns that aren’t based on facts.

But when I’m mad, I am too flooded with hot emotion to stop and look for cognitive distortions. Something is wrong; I need to calm down, but the opposite is now happening.

Woebot also claimed it could help with procrastination. But it offered such a complicated mathematical equation about the merits of doing something now or later that I couldn’t (and still can’t) understand. Maybe it could assist in a pinch — if I remembered it existed. But Woebot did not intervene when I began tumbling through TikTok rather than washing dishes.

[Read: The Emotional Resilience Playbook for People with Big Emotions]

Woebot was no match for my negative self-talk, either. When I told it I felt sad because I don’t have any friends — social issues are a common problem in women with ADHD — it launched an ineffective CBT round-and-round that had me fill in blanks and flag “unhelpful” thoughts. Eventually, I avoided my negative thoughts by watching TV instead. (Avoidance is not an acceptable tactic for coping with negative thoughts, of which I had several regarding Woebot.)

We Need More Than AI Chatbot Therapy

At least Woebot comes with safeguards: Certain words trigger suggestions for immediate clinical intervention. During one conversation, Woebot told me, “I can’t comment on the content of your thoughts, just the process. If you’re looking for guidance around content, this might best be done with a human.” I still don’t know what triggered that response, so how would someone in serious trouble understand it, and how could it help those people using Woebot in place of that therapist with availability in October?

No matter how poor my efforts or how ineffective our sessions, Woebot always told me that making an effort was the important part. Unfortunately, mental illness doesn’t get bonus points for effort. We need effective help to improve our lives. And that means a human therapist, not a bot.

AI Chatbot Therapy and ADHD: Next Steps

• Find: Psychologists and Therapists Who Understand ADHD
• Free Download: Emotional Regulation & Anger Management Scripts
• Read: “How Therapy Helped Me”
• Read: How Cognitive Restructuring Reframes Failure and Erases ADHD Self-Doubt

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

As a 62-year-old man with ADHD, I can get emotional quickly and often about relatively insignificant things. I can be immature and irresponsible. For years, I have felt embarrassment and shame about the lack of progress in my career. I also have learned that these characteristics, among others, are more pronounced in many men with ADHD than they are in their female and neurotypical counterparts.

Much has been written, deservedly, about the unique challenges facing women with ADHD. But, arguably, not as much has been written about how men experience ADHD differently. Sure, most of us know that hyperactive boys are more likely to be diagnosed than are inattentive girls. However, the people in our lives really need to understand the differences men with ADHD experience.

Here are examples of how I think ADHD manifests differently in the sexes.

Common ADHD Symptoms in Men

Delayed emotional development. Research has shown that males mature more slowly than do females, and this seems especially true for men with ADHD.

Being quick to anger. While girls tend to internalize emotions, boys are more likely to externalize theirs. It stands to reason, then, that boys with ADHD have higher rates of oppositional defiant disorder (being argumentative, uncooperative, and sometimes hostile). In adulthood, men with ADHD are more prone to emotional outbursts fueled by anger at real or perceived slights.

Resistance to pursuing a diagnosis. In my many years of ADHD coaching, I’ve encountered countless women who struggle with their husband’s or young adult son’s resistance to seek or accept an ADHD diagnosis because they fear the “stigma” of the disorder, and, in their male minds, it’s admitting to “weakness.” Unsurprisingly, most of my female social media followers are the ones who most actively pursue understanding ADHD on behalf of their husbands, their kids, and themselves.

[Take This Test: Could You Have Adult ADHD?]

Lackluster career advancement. This issue for men arises, in part, from the social construct that still expects men to be the head of the household, the main breadwinner. When a man with ADHD is unable to perform optimally in or successfully retain his job (as was the case for me for many years), the shame and guilt can be devastating.

Think about how often new social interactions begin with, “So, what do you do for a living?” In other words, what is your value? And when you’re not proud of what you do, or how well you’re doing it, you feel shame and embarrassment.

How Men Can Manage ADHD Symptoms

Men with ADHD need a safe place to share their struggles, like a support group with people who share similar challenges. Feeling heard, and learning new ideas for how to cope, can be very comforting.

Mindfulness training and exercise can help with mood stabilization and rein in emotions. I also recommend working with your partner, and perhaps a therapist, on communication strategies to control outbursts before they happen.

[Take the ADHD in Men Survey]

I’ve found that understanding common ADHD symptoms in men and working on managing them has helped me become more effective in my life as an adult with ADHD.

ADHD Symptoms in Men: Next Steps

• Read: Men with ADHD Are Asking, “Why Am I So Angry?”
• Blog: “I’m a Better Father, Now a Better Person”
• Download: Emotional Regulation & Anger Management Scripts

Alan P. Brown is an ADHD coach and host of CrusherTV. His free eBook, 5 Things You’re Doing Every Day That Make Your ADHD Worse, is available at www.ADDCrusher.com.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Recently diagnosed with ADHD (at 38 years old), I have been looking back over my life and taking stock. Today, I see everything through a different lens. I understand now that beyond the pain of others saying that they couldn’t stand me – a pain ignited by rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) — I couldn’t stand myself most of the time (and still can’t). Being in my head is like being in a broken computer game from the ’80s: streams of neon lights ricocheting off the walls of my neurodivergent brain, patterns of half-finished coding, and working in overdrive just for a glimmer of nonsensical light to break.

To Those Who Will Never Cancel Me

When I told a close friend about my diagnosis, we both chuckled. It was not a surprise to either of us. She said she was drawn to people with ADHD and that they “drove her crazy,” but she still loves them so. She, like the few others who have stuck with me through the years, display unusual amounts of grace and compassion. They see deeper than the outrageous things I sometimes say or do. They know how my social anxiety shows up during the functions they invite me to, and that I forget so many things they tell me.

My husband is one of those people with limitless grace. He has withstood my RSD and the emotional dysregulation that floods my brain. He has also withstood my OCD, anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance. When others have thrown me away, he’s scooped me up off the floor and wiped my tears or given me space to rage through the pain. He truly sees me.

But I see him, too. He also has ADHD, though we have different symptoms. Sometimes we laugh about how we found each other in this life and how we are forever grateful that we did. Even though our ADHD symptoms often collide and our communication can get tangled up like old telephone wires damaged by storms, we are united in love and dedication. We help each other navigate this strange neurological land. And after becoming parents, we want to do everything in our power to show our children that there is nothing wrong with the way we were made.

[Read: “I Can’t Handle Rejection. Will I Ever Change?”]

Surviving Rejection, Cancelation, and ADHD Stigma

After my diagnosis, I came to understand that some people will always be committed to misunderstanding me. They view their assumptions about me as absolute truth. I have chosen to cut off contact when this is the case. Despite the sting of rejection, I try not to go around defending myself too much or justifying to others why I am the way I am. I’m learning, slowly, to stop apologizing.

I’m learning how to be kinder to myself. I try not to beat myself up when I fail in the workplace, when I start another project that will go unfinished, when I unintentionally offend someone, when I forget important things, and when I make so many other mistakes. I remind myself that there is a real and neurological reason behind this. I give myself the grace and understanding others cannot.

When I am overwhelmed by how the simple aspects of life are so much harder for people like me, I remind myself how far I’ve come. I remind myself that having a husband who loves me for me and a few close friends who I can truly be myself with is more than enough.

When I wonder again why I had to be born this way, I pause, take a breath, and remind myself that it’s not my fault or anyone else’s — because there isn’t anything wrong with me. Some people will simply choose not to see that there is so much gold to be found in people like me.

[Read: Coping With the Stigma of ADHD]

When I’m told I’m either too much or not enough, I remember that I am not perfect, but good enough. That I am brave. That I am tender. That I am creative. That I am not a problem to be solved. That I’ve been canceled before, and I’ll probably be canceled again. But I can take it.

Cancel Culture, RSD, and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
• Q&A: My Fear of Rejection Keeps Me Socially Isolated
• Read: How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Register to reserve your spot for this free webinar and webinar replay ►

Not available June 14? Don’t worry. Register now and we’ll send you the replay link to watch at your convenience.

ADHD impacts the genders differently and in significant ways.

Men with ADHD and emotional dysregulation may be quick to anger and prone to outbursts at real or perceived slights. They may also be less likely to advance in their careers than neurotypical men. As a result, these men with ADHD may feel shame and embarrassment. Understanding these unique challenges, and the solutions that address them, is important for any partner, colleague, or caregiver to understand.

In this webinar, you will learn about:

• The ways in which ADHD is experienced differently by men, affecting their personal and professional relationships
• The problems with working memory, anger, and emotions — including feelings of shame and guilt — common in men with ADHD
• Evidence-based, practical solutions designed to address these challenges
• The ways in which men and their partners can better navigate these differences

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

Meet the Expert Speaker:

Alan P. Brown is an ADHD/productivity coach and host of CrusherTV (www.CrusherTV.com), the award-winning video series designed for ADHD teens and adults. Undiagnosed for decades, Alan experienced underachievement, failed relationships, substance abuse, and worse due to his untreated ADHD. Once diagnosed, he found it difficult to learn coping strategies from books, so he developed his own evidence-based “brain hack” strategies while building a successful advertising career and several start-ups. A featured presenter at ADHD conferences in the U.S. and abroad, and a TEDx speaker, he is the #1 best-selling author of Zen and the Art of Productivity. (#CommissionsEarned) Get Alan’s free eBook, 5 Things You’re Doing Every Day that Make Your ADHD Worse at www.ADDCrusher.com.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is….

Inflow is the #1 app to help you manage your ADHD. Developed by leading clinicians, Inflow is a science-based self-help program based on the principles of cognitive behavioral therapy. Join Inflow today to better understand & manage your ADHD.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

ADHD coaching can be a lot of things to a lot of different people, in large part because no two coaches use the same approach.

But as an ADHD coach myself, I can definitely say that coaching helps individuals overcome the shame that so often accompanies ADHD.

[Read: Life Coach or Therapist — Who Should You See First?]

ADHD coaches help build accountability — a huge step for many people with ADHD who can’t always trust themselves to honor their own promises. (A frequent source of shame.) ADHD coaches bolster accountability by emphasizing what’s going right. They are the outsiders who will hold up a mirror and say, “Look at all the things you’ve accomplished.” They also help you solve problems when somethings isn’t going right.

An ADHD coach will help you understand, for example, what got in the way of the tasks you said you’d complete last week. Maybe you didn’t have enough time, or maybe the task was more overwhelming than you anticipated and it needed to be tackled in smaller chunks.

By helping you understand (and depersonalize) your roadblocks so that you can reach your goals, coaching does a tremendous job of accentuating your strengths, building self-esteem, and reducing chronic ADHD shame.

If you are interested in working with an ADHD coach, use these pointers to guide your search:

[Read: The 7 Most Essential Benefits of ADHD Coaching]

• Find someone who is trained in ADHD and has a life coaching background.
• Talk to multiple coaches before deciding on one whose style you like and who fits your needs.
• Make sure you have time for coaching. Depending on where you are in your life, sometimes adding one more thing — especially if it will burden you financially — may not be the best choice at the right time.
• New coaches are often more affordable than coaches who have many years of experience. Private coaching also tends cost more than coaching groups.
• Coaches are not the same as therapists. Learn more about the differences here to help you decide if therapy might be a better option.

ADHD Coaching to Cope with Shame: Next Steps

• Find: ADHD Coaches via The ADDitude Directory
• Read: ADHD and the Epidemic of Shame
• Read: ADHD Therapy Comparison — CBT vs. ADHD Coaching
• Read: Solid Reasons for Investing in an ADHD Coach
  

The content for this article was derived, in part, from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “ADHD Is a Whole-Life, Whole-Body Experience” [Video Replay & Podcast #427] with Linda Roggli, PCC, which was broadcast on October 26, 2022.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Educating others about ADHD can foster greater inclusivity and understanding, but self-acceptance is the key ingredient needed to stop masking and start embracing ADHD. Here, learn how ADDitude readers are working to unmask their ADHD traits; find courage in their comments below.

Being Yourself with ADHD

“Since learning I have ADHD as an adult, I’ve let so much happen. My husband says my symptoms have exploded. I think I’m just not hiding them because of shame as much anymore. We’ll work it out somehow.” — Sara

“My diagnosis helped me finally unmask. It is so liberating. I whip my hair whenever I feel like it, I fidget, I bounce my leg and I think to myself: What was so shameful about it all that I needed to suppress that?” — Katarzyna

“This has been me the last few months while I waited to be evaluated and subsequently diagnosed. It felt good to just do what I needed to do. I spent too much of my life uptight, high strung, and anxious. It’s hard, but I’m enjoying the overall process of figuring out who I am, what I built to cope for so long, and what I can let go of now.” — Jessica

[Download: Need Help Finding Your Passion? Use This ADHD “Brain Blueprint”]

“I’m pretty high up the food chain at a mid-sized tech company, and I share my diagnosis quite openly. I let people know what to expect when ADHD symptoms happen. Now when I randomly bring in a new thought, I excitedly interrupt someone’s train of thought to tell them how cool I think what they’re talking about is, or I forget what I’m saying mid-sentence and need someone to remind me, nobody’s bothered by it. Since I also give them permission to interrupt and bring me back on topic if necessary, nobody has to sit and seethe while I hunt for tangents.” — Chris

“I’m 34 and living authentically as much as possible. I’m better at my job and a lot happier.” — Chriss

“Yes and no. Hear me out. You do what you can to avoid masking… Yes, I’d like to sing out loud at work and have a shake-out dance when I need to move. That’s not considerate of others’ need for peace and quiet in work requiring concentration. So on go the headphones and I sing in my head. I go to the handicapped washroom and have a squiggle break. I’m still upfront about the ADHD and what I need, yet I get cooperation by being considerate, too.” — Anneke

“I’m unmasking for the first time at age 45! It’s scary but so freeing!” — Andreya

[Read: Why Women with ADHD Feel Disempowered — And What We Can Do About It]

“Let it out! We are who we are. There’s no shame in that. [There are] 8 billion humans worldwide, and an army of us ADHDers. We’ve got your back.” — Trev

“It’s actually kind of amazing that I did not realize I had ADHD my whole life, or recognize the habits and things I picked up along the way to help myself. Everyone used to give me such a hard time because I would chew my fingernails so bad that they would bleed, but I couldn’t stop. Now I’m really particular about keeping my fingernails nice and polished so I don’t chew them, but I constantly need something in my hands to fidget with. Otherwise, they’ll go straight to my mouth for stimulation.” — Erika

“I hate having to mask myself most of the time. It’s so liberating when you’re with people who you can be your authentic self around.” — Ben

“I give others, whom I might annoy, permission to remove themselves from my life! No more hiding; no more not being myself!” — LocdSeñorita

“I sat in the window of my favorite café today. Staff were gathered outside at a table between shifts, chatting away. One of them didn’t stay still for long at all. They’ve worked together through COVID and are good mates, so I’m guessing he feels comfortable being himself with them and doesn’t need to suppress. It was so good to see.” — Pamela

“No one should be ashamed of who they are.” — Daniela

Comments were originally published on Instagram and can be found here.

Unmasking ADHD in Adulthood: Next Steps

• Download: 25 Things to Love About ADHD
  
• Read: Why ADHD Masking Is a Form of Self-Sabotage
• Read: Crying, Screaming, and Hiding —All the Ways I Deal with ADHD Shame
  

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

At the same time, many ADDitude readers tell us they wouldn’t trade away their ADHD traits if they could. They insist that their ADHD brains are unique, creative, unbridled, and often inspired. And they aren’t wrong.

Of course, every strength has its weakness. Curiosity is challenged by distractibility. Spontaneity is challenged by impulsivity. Balancing strengths and symptoms can feel like a superhuman task, so maybe the superpower metaphor is not so far off?

We asked ADDitude readers: What is your stance? Are you living with superpowers, super deficits, or somewhere in the middle? Share your thoughts in the comments section above.

ADHD, the Superpower

“The ability to hyperfocus is a superpower that my ADHD grants. However, the cost is high, and it’s not an on-demand gift. I perceive my ADHD as if I were a ‘junior X-Man’ with differences I poorly understand and cannot (yet) control. Perhaps I need Professor Xavier!” — Teresa, Ohio

“I love stories about superheroes that highlight the limitations and burdens they have to live with as a result of their superpower. Think of Clark Kent: Every time he shakes someone’s hand or interacts with an object, he has to manage his strength or else break whatever he touches. I think of ADHD the same way. My ability to hyperfocus and my difficulty focusing on undesirable tasks are two sides of the same coin. The same is true for my sensitivity, insight, and empathy, my intense emotions, my creativity, and the overwhelm that comes from having an impossible to-do list. They all need to be managed so that they don’t hurt me or anyone else.”

[Directory: Find an ADHD Specialist]

“As a high school ELA and journalism teacher, my ADHD allows me to be organic in my teaching, flexible in my planning, empathetic with my student’s needs, and creative in my instructional strategies. I pivot on a dime when my students need something different and can make adjustments on the fly when I see that kids need more or less… Since both my daughter and I experienced her high school years knowing about her ADHD and I realized much later in life how I experience my own ADHD, I have these tools in my teaching toolbox for any student who needs research-based, solid supports for learning.” — Debbie

ADHD, the Super Deficit

“While it’s probably true that ADHD people are more likely to wear capes than neurotypicals, and I appreciate the strengths-based spirit of calling ADHD a superpower, I feel like ‘superpower’ is an oversimplified version of the gifts and challenges of an ADHD brain. Instead, thinking of ADHD as our nuclear power has always made more sense to me. When nuclear fuel rods are entirely smothered, no one benefits from the potential. And left unchecked? Meltdown. The trick is figuring out how to effectively harness our nuclear power so that it strikes the ideal balance between benefit and the other extremes.” — Tom, New Hampshire

“I cringe when I hear it referred to as a superpower. We’re just different; no better or worse than anyone else.” — An ADDitude reader

“While I accept my brain as a whole (and it has many wonderful things going for it), most of my ADHD traits have caused me nothing but trouble since childhood. It has negatively affected school, work, and relationships. It has been a constant struggle to succeed in spite of ADHD and due to a very late diagnosis.” — An ADDitude reader

[Download: The Ages & Stages of ADHD — Key Solutions]

“I think the people that refer to ADHD as their ‘superpower’ are probably overlooking the fact that they have a significant amount of social, cultural, and financial capital that affords them this stance.” An ADDitude reader

“It’s a curse. A poison. My brain is not mine; it functions independent of me, and I am unwillingly along for the ride. I am happy for those who believe it is a superpower, but in my case, it is an obstacle to overcome.” — Travis

“Maybe it’s accurate to say ADHD causes superpowered anxiety, superpowered stress, and superpowered emotional dysregulation. But none of those are actually super good.” — An ADDitude reader

Somewhere in the Middle

“It’s both but emphasizing the positive is a choice. Some of what I consider to be my best qualities as a therapist and a parent can be directly linked to my ADHD brain: detailed and fastidious work output, enthusiasm and interest in special projects, finding lots of things interesting, and having compassion and understanding of others whose brains are wired a little differently. But it’s just as important to know what kind of struggles I am working with so I can make adaptations. In the end, I believe 100% that ADHD makes me a better therapist and a parent.” — Sara

“I’m smart and creative, but I undermine myself to severe detriment because of my ADHD. I don’t want to fall into the trap of hating ADHD because it is part of me. At the same time, I am not going to ignore that ADHD is a large stumbling block for simply existing in today’s world.” — Jashin

“I vacillate between the idea that my ADHD is a superpower and a super burden. My smarts, my creativity, and my ability to navigate clutch situations and create amazing things on a deadline can feel like magic. At the same time, the struggles are real and many. My RSD, anxiety, and executive function deficits make every single task a challenge every single day. I often find myself wishing I could — for at least a short time — have a normal brain. I imagine I could accomplish so much and have so much success. At the same time, if I had a normal brain, would any of the magic be there?” — Beth, Colorado

“My hyperfocus is usually a superpower, but my odd relationship to time causes the most problems in my life. Deadlines, bills, scheduling, and the resulting stress and frustration is a considerable drain of energy and self-esteem. Balancing between hyperfocus and time challenges, as well as other life priorities, is a difficult challenge.” — Julia, Connecticut

“ADHD is definitely a superpower, but as with all talents, it can be overwhelming. It allows me to think fast, be creative, and have unlimited amounts of energy. If I do not manage that correctly, I will have unlimited tiredness and frustration. It took me almost 50 years to find the balance… And as all life is about balance, I am just as often down in the dumps due to mismanagement.” — Yolanda, Netherlands

“The more I learn about my ADHD, the more empowered I feel. When I am capable of harnessing that power is when I feel super. Right now, when I am struggling, it’s my greatest antagonist.” — Jen, Washington

“Trying to wash three days’ worth of dishes or clean a bathroom, and still not getting it done after two days, is not a superhero moment. However, a stressful deadline, an emergency, or something triggering my hyperfocus brings out the superpower, like Diana turning into Wonder Woman… I don’t often, if ever, find a middle ground where the dishes get done by the end of each day and all projects are started and finished on schedule.” — Tiffany, France

ADHD Strengths vs. Toxic Positivity: Next Steps

• Download: All the Best Parts of ADHD
• Read: It’s Not as Bad as You Think
• Read: Putting My Strengths to Work

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As an ADHD coach with ADHD myself, I help people see how it is a whole-life, whole-body condition. I help them connect the dots between ADHD and other areas of life, with the goal of encouraging personal awareness and understanding.

Here, I present facts, observations, and questions to get you thinking about how ADHD is at the center of your life. As you gain insight into your person and condition, please remember that you have your own brand of ADHD — and you deserve to be treated with kindness above all.

How Does ADHD Affect Overall Health?

ADHD & Sleep

Why So Many Night Owls Have ADHD

Delayed sleep phase syndrome, defined by irregular sleep-wake patterns and thought of as a circadian rhythm disorder, is common in ADHD.¹ The ADHD brain takes longer — about an hour longer on average (remember, that’s just an average) — to fall asleep than does the non-ADHD brain.² That’s why it’s not uncommon for us to stay up late at night, and regret it in the morning.

Poor-Quality Sleep Worsens ADHD Symptoms

Suffering a sleep deficit with ADHD is like waking up to ADHD times two — or five. Lack of sleep slows a person’s response time, processing speed, and decision-making. We’re not as alert or as focused when we’re tired. We become crabby and inflexible. We imitate three of the Seven Dwarfs: Dopey, Sleepy, and Grumpy. Lack of sleep is a self-fulfilling prophecy; it only continues to throw our circadian rhythm off kilter and cause more dysregulated sleep.

[Get This Free Download: Lifestyle Changes for Adults with ADHD]

Is Your ADHD Medication Causing Sleep Problems?

Sleep problems are a common side effect of stimulant use. Then again, many people with ADHD find that stimulants help them to go to sleep. This is worth personal exploration.

ADHD & Nutrition and Eating Habits

Why ADHD Brains Chase Dopamine

The dopamine-deficient ADHD brain seeks this chemical in many places, from tobacco to junk food. Caffeine also boosts dopamine levels in the brain.³ And it’s always tempting to reach for simple carbs, since they rapidly break down into sugar and stimulate dopamine release.

ADHD Symptoms Influence Eating Behaviors

Symptoms like impulsivity and inattention easily invite dysregulated eating, which may lead to unintended weight gain.⁴ In fact, studies link ADHD to excess weight and obesity⁵ — which is linked to other conditions ranging from fatty liver, high blood pressure, and metabolic syndrome. Relatedly, research also links ADHD to Type 2 diabetes.⁶

Are Other Health Conditions Linked to ADHD?

From autoimmune diseases and skin conditions to hypermobility and pulmonary disease, a string of other health conditions have been linked to ADHD.^{7 8 9} Take a moment to think about how ADHD impacts your diet, health, and overall wellness.

[Free Guide: Health & Fitness Lifestyle Changes for Adults with ADHD]

How Does ADHD Affect Education and Careers?

Adverse School Experiences with ADHD Are Common

Our experiences in school often foreshadow our careers and other aspects of our lives. Did ADHD prevent you from graduating high school or from enrolling in or finishing college, as it did for so many of us?^{10 8} Or did ADHD help you excel in school? Did you have to navigate school with a learning difference like dyslexia or dysgraphia, as 45% of children with ADHD do?¹²

What Kind of Job Is Ideal for You?

Do you prefer to work in an office, or outside? Do you thrive in fast-paced, unpredictable environments? Or do you succeed with more structure and stability? Do you need complete silence to focus? Or do you work best with lots of stimuli? Are you self-employed? No matter your responses, know that ADHD guides your decisions across all these factors.

How Does ADHD Affect Relationships?

ADHD & Romantic Relationships

The Wonderful, Attractive Qualities of ADHD Partners

We’re spontaneous and lots of fun. We have a great sense of humor. (Because let’s face it: If we don’t laugh, we’ll cry.) We’re also really affectionate — and tend to pour it on when we’re in new relationships.

How Non-ADHD Partners Can Misunderstand Us

Our loved ones don’t always understand why we’re sometimes forgetful or disorganized. They don’t always know that we’re trying our absolute hardest. They don’t always know how to avoid taking our ADHD personally.

We Need Acceptance, Not Tolerance

Acceptance and compassion are key to a happy ADHD relationship and a true partnership.

ADHD and Family

Did ADHD Affect Your Decision to Have Children?

Some parents with ADHD have impulsivity to thank for their families. Other adults with ADHD choose not to have children, perhaps because of the very real challenges of managing symptoms while parenting a child who may also have ADHD. Are either of these true for you?

Are You a Parent with ADHD Raising Kids with ADHD?

If so, you’re in a unique place. Yes, it can be overwhelming, frustrating, and just plain hard a lot of the time. But it’s also worth it — especially when your own family can provide empathetic and constructive support because they understand your ADHD challenges.

Navigating the Opinions of Extended Family Members

They may doubt that you have ADHD, or they may mistakenly believe that only children can have ADHD. They may not think ADHD is real at all. They may only remember the version of you before you were diagnosed and informed. Either way, many of us are unfortunately forced to skirt the topic of ADHD with certain family members, or avoid some family altogether. But sympathetic family members do exist. They often have ADHD themselves, or they have children who are diagnosed with ADHD.

ADHD & Friendships

ADHD Sometimes Sabotages Relationships

Sometimes, we don’t know how to navigate social settings. Things like striking conversation or joining an ongoing conversation are tricky. In the company of friends, we sometimes blurt out whatever comes to mind, even if it’s brutally honest and not totally appropriate. Though we don’t mean to create divisions, these moments often cost us our friendships.

We Desperately Need Friends Who Get It

We need friends who understand us and will be there for us, either to cheer us on or offer their shoulder to cry on — without judgment or guilt.

[Read: How a Better Relationship with Food Can Benefit Your ADHD Brain]

Special Focus: ADHD in Girls and Women

ADHD is Often Unrecognized in Girls and Women

Women and girls with ADHD tend to be people-pleasers. We try really hard to mask our symptoms and perceived flaws. We blame ourselves entirely for our mistakes — often leading to a lifetime of shame, self-hate, and self-recrimination. That’s why early diagnosis and treatment are so important. Yet they are still so difficult to obtain.

Why? Because we don’t tend to fit the ADHD stereotype of a hyperactive little boy. The symptoms of inattentive ADHD, more common in women, are not as obvious and are harder to observe. Others tend to brush us off as dreamy and ditzy. If anything, we’re often misdiagnosed with depression or anxiety.

ADHD & Estrogen

Estrogen has an amazing and astonishing effect on the body.

• The menstrual cycle: Estrogen levels rise and fall during the monthly cycle. We focus best when estrogen levels are at their highest. When estrogen levels bottom out, all hell breaks loose. We’re unable to focus and our ADHD symptoms become more severe. Also, it’s important to note that premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and its more serious form, premenstrual dysmorphic disorder (PMDD), are more common and more severe in women with ADHD.¹⁴ Check with your doctor to see if you would benefit from an additional dose of stimulant medication or an antidepressant during the lowest point of your cycle.
• Pregnancy and postpartum: Estrogen shoots up during pregnancy, peaks in the third trimester, and drops considerably postpartum — changes that are bound to have considerable effects on the ADHD body and mind at the time women face the greatest risk for postpartum depression.
• Perimenopause and menopause: Brain fog, memory lapses, irritability, and other symptoms increase as estrogen levels decrease. It stands to reason that these changes worsen ADHD symptoms, too. These changes may also explain why so many women are finally diagnosed with ADHD in midlife. If you’re at this stage, talk to your doctor to see if estrogen supplementation is appropriate for you.

Wait, That’s ADHD, Too? Other Features and Strengths

• We are time blind: We often miscalculate how much time has elapsed, or how much time it takes to complete a task. This can have career implications, among others.
• We have sensory sensitivities: Can’t stand the feeling of certain textures and fabrics on your skin? Do bright lights and loud noises bother you? Sensory sensitivities are common in ADHD, causing us to react strongly to sights, smells, tastes, and more. This can impact nutrition and even anxiety.
• We experience rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD): Are you sensitive to criticism, real or perceived? That’s RSD — a core part of the ADHD experience. Our sensitivity can cause us pain, but it also means that we’re intuitive and empathetic. It means we know how to take care of other people — because we know how we would like to be taken care of. RSD has an undeniably sizable impact on relationships touched by ADHD.
• We carry shame: Living with ADHD in a neurotypical world often means receiving negative feedback. It’s why so many of us feel like bad people. But ADHD is nothing to be ashamed about. Remember that you’re not alone.
• We love our pets: Whether it’s a turtle or a St. Bernard, many of us with ADHD have beloved pets. Could it be because they calm us? Because they’re not judgmental? Dog lovers often report that their daily walk schedule is an added benefit.
• We are good in a crisis: Whether it’s a true emergency or a manufactured one, we tend to perform well under serious pressure. (Is it any wonder that so many firefighters have ADHD?¹⁵)
• We are creative: We have a lot of great ideas, and we’re out-of-the-box thinkers. We like to hyperfocus for hours (a dopamine surge in itself) until we figure it out.
• We are absolutely resilient: We fall off a horse or two, but we get back on every single time.

Respect Your ADHD: Stop Trying to ‘Fix’ Yourself

Whether you’re newly diagnosed or have been diagnosed for years, chances are you keep throwing heaps of spaghetti at the wall to see what will stick and “fix” you, once and for all. My bet is that you’ve tried all the planners, time-management tips, and other productivity strategies and tricks available on the market.

But what if you tried giving yourself credit and praise instead of constantly focusing on the “wrongs” in your life?

• You already have strategies that work. You’ve been coping with ADHD your entire life. You’re the expert on you. You have wisdom in yourself, and you can trust that wisdom.
• 98% (or more) of your life is working. Focusing on the 2% makes your problems seem bigger than they are.

Today, I invite you to give your ADHD a little respect. Don’t fight it or treat it as the enemy. Think of it as your alter ego. No, you’re not defined by your ADHD, but you certainly live with it. So allow yourself to accept that every now and then and just be. (The truth is you probably really like that little part of you that’s kind of different. I mean, who wants to be boring?)

The content for this article was derived, in part, from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “ADHD Is a Whole-Life, Whole-Body Experience” [Video Replay & Podcast #427] with Linda Roggli, PCC, which was broadcast on October 26, 2022.

How ADHD Affects All Areas of Life: Next Steps

• Free Download: The ADHD Healthy Habits Handbook
• Read: My 25 Rules for Life — A Practical Cure for ADHD Shame and Stagnation
• Read: Beyond Genes – Leveraging Sleep, Exercise, and Nutrition to Improve ADHD
  

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help

Sources

¹van Andel, E., Bijlenga, D., Vogel, S. W. N., Beekman, A. T. F., & Kooij, J. J. S. (2021). Effects of chronotherapy on circadian rhythm and ADHD symptoms in adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and delayed sleep phase syndrome: a randomized clinical trial. Chronobiology international, 38(2), 260–269. https://doi.org/10.1080/07420528.2020.1835943

² Bijlenga, D., Van Someren, E. J., Gruber, R., Bron, T. I., Kruithof, I. F., Spanbroek, E. C., & Kooij, J. J. (2013). Body temperature, activity and melatonin profiles in adults with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and delayed sleep: a case-control study. Journal of sleep research, 22(6), 607–616. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsr.12075

³ Volkow, N. D., Wang, G. J., Logan, J., Alexoff, D., Fowler, J. S., Thanos, P. K., Wong, C., Casado, V., Ferre, S., & Tomasi, D. (2015). Caffeine increases striatal dopamine D2/D3 receptor availability in the human brain. Translational psychiatry, 5(4), e549. https://doi.org/10.1038/tp.2015.46

⁴ Reinblatt S. P. (2015). Are Eating Disorders Related to Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder?. Current treatment options in psychiatry, 2(4), 402–412. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40501-015-0060-7

⁵ Cortese, S., Moreira-Maia, C. R., St Fleur, D., Morcillo-Peñalver, C., Rohde, L. A., & Faraone, S. V. (2016). Association Between ADHD and Obesity: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. The American journal of psychiatry, 173(1), 34–43. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2015.15020266

⁶ Chen, Q., Hartman, C. A., Haavik, J., Harro, J., Klungsøyr, K., Hegvik, T. A., Wanders, R., Ottosen, C., Dalsgaard, S., Faraone, S. V., & Larsson, H. (2018). Common psychiatric and metabolic comorbidity of adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: A population-based cross-sectional study. PloS one, 13(9), e0204516. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0204516

⁷ Csecs, J. L. L., Iodice, V., Rae, C. L., Brooke, A., Simmons, R., Quadt, L., Savage, G. K., Dowell, N. G., Prowse, F., Themelis, K., Mathias, C. J., Critchley, H. D., & Eccles, J. A. (2022). Joint Hypermobility Links Neurodivergence to Dysautonomia and Pain. Frontiers in psychiatry, 12, 786916. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.786916

⁸ Nielsen, P. R., Benros, M. E., & Dalsgaard, S. (2017). Associations Between Autoimmune Diseases and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: A Nationwide Study. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 56(3), 234–240.e1. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2016.12.010

⁹ Rietz, E., Brikell, I., Agnieszka, B., Leone, M. Chang, Z., Cortese, S. et.al. (July 6, 2021). Mapping phenotypic and aetiological associations between ADHD and physical conditions in adulthood in Sweden: a genetically informed register study. The Lancet Psychiatry.DOI:https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(21)00171-1

¹⁰ Kuriyan, A. B., Pelham, W. E., Jr, Molina, B. S., Waschbusch, D. A., Gnagy, E. M., Sibley, M. H., Babinski, D. E., Walther, C., Cheong, J., Yu, J., & Kent, K. M. (2013). Young adult educational and vocational outcomes of children diagnosed with ADHD. Journal of abnormal child psychology, 41(1), 27–41. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-012-9658-z

¹¹ Biederman, J., & Faraone, S. V. (2006). The effects of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder on employment and household income. MedGenMed : Medscape general medicine, 8(3), 12.

¹² DuPaul, G. J., Gormley, M. J., & Laracy, S. D. (2013). Comorbidity of LD and ADHD: implications of DSM-5 for assessment and treatment. Journal of learning disabilities, 46(1), 43–51. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022219412464351

¹³ Quinn, P. O., & Madhoo, M. (2014). A review of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in women and girls: uncovering this hidden diagnosis. The primary care companion for CNS disorders, 16(3), PCC.13r01596. https://doi.org/10.4088/PCC.13r01596

¹⁴ Dorani F, Bijlenga D, Beekman ATF, van Someren EJW, Kooij JJS. Prevalence of hormone-related mood disorder symptoms in women with ADHD. (2020) J Psychiatr Res. doi:10.1016/j.jpsychires.2020.12.005

¹⁵ Palmer, Charles G.; Gaskill, Steven; Domitrovich, Joe; McNamara, Marcy; Knutson, Brian; Spear, Alysha. 2011. Wildland firefighters and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). In: McCaffrey, Sarah M.; Fisher, Cherie LeBlanc, eds. 2011. Proceedings of the second conference on the human dimensions of wildland fire. Gen. Tech. Rep. NRS-P-84. Newtown Square, PA: U.S. Department of Agriculture, Forest Service, Northern Research Station: 9-13.

Then, almost nonchalantly, the guest recalled a time when he had an intrusive thought about spitting in a friend’s face. He recalled how bothered he was by this thought that appeared from nowhere, and how hard it was to tame.

My god. His anecdote transported me back to the time I had to stop myself from doing the exact same thing. So troubling and unexpected was the urge, I had to leave the room for a mental reset. Why the hell would I want to spit in someone’s face, let alone my friend’s?

And why the hell did I have the same experience as the podcast guest? Did it suggest that our shared intrusive, bizarre thought was tied to ADHD?

L’appel du Vide: Exploring the Call of the Void

Like a cold case flung open by a new piece of evidence, the bothersome experience compelled me to begin some fresh digging. My first bit of research led me to l’appel du vide — “the call of the void.” It’s a term that describes the sudden thought or urge to jump from a high place. Like many others, I’ve encountered the call of the void atop certain tall buildings, quickly suppressing an unwanted urge to vault myself over the edge.

[Read: ADHD and Obsessive Thoughts — How to Stop the Endless Analysis]

But the call of the void isn’t limited to the feeling of jumping from great heights. It has evolved into a term that captures other sudden, worrisome thoughts like: “What would happen if I twisted the steering wheel and plowed into oncoming traffic?”

These intrusive, out-of-character thoughts have long troubled us humans. (See Edgar Allan Poe’s The Imp of the Perverse, for one.) But these urges, I learned, are actually a universal feeling, and they’re not tied to a desire to harm ourselves or to die. In a 2012 study, Hames et al. gave the phenomenon a new moniker — high place phenomenon — and suggested that, far from being a desire to die, the call might actually be an affirmation of the urge to live.

OK, so I learned a whole lot about the call of the void, but I wasn’t sure if the spitting urge fell squarely under this phenomenon. I also couldn’t find anything that directly links the call of the void to ADHD.

Intrusive Thoughts and ADHD

However, I did find another eye-opening study during my investigation. It involved college students with ADHD (and a control group) who took questionnaires that measured levels of anxiety and worrisome thoughts.

[Read: “Why Do I Assume the Worst-Case Scenario?” How to Stop the ADHD Mind from Worrying]

In comparison to the control group, those with ADHD experienced higher ratings on all intrusive-thought scales. “Our results suggest that worrisome, intrusive thoughts are an important phenotypical expression of adults with ADHD,” the researchers wrote.

There it was. I put together a prosaic explanation for an incident that had bugged me for years: I’m more likely to have intrusive thoughts, and Spitgate, I presume, seemed to be a warped version of a phenomenon lots of people experience. It’s what happens, I suppose, when the call of the void meets ADHD.

Spitting Mad

Phew. This was comforting (and, in retrospect, not surprising). Maybe I’m not a terrible person after all! Maybe the urge to spit in my friend’s face came from a desire to maintain my friendship, which might suffer a bit of a hiccup were I to follow through on the urge. Aren’t brains weird?

Anyway, I don’t feel the call or other strange urges much these days. I attribute that change to medication, which dims my head chatter and keeps it at tolerable levels. Add in a regimen of anxiety-busting exercise, and the call almost vanishes. That said, you’re unlikely to find me striding atop the Eiffel Tower anytime soon.

Intrusive Thoughts: Next Steps

• Take This Self-Test: Symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
• Read: ADHD and Obsessive Thoughts — How to Stop the Endless Analysis
• Read: 9 Calming Strategies for a Racing, Restless Mind

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Do you feeling tired or drained most of the time?

Do you feel like running away?

Do you struggle with procrastination? Does it take you longer to get things done these days?

These are all signs of burnout, a state of physical and emotional exhaustion that women with ADHD experience far too often. We’re prone to feeling chronically stressed because we navigate our busy lives while coping with executive functioning difficulties, a sensitive nervous system, and a mind that won’t shut off.

Gender roles and expectations also drive burnout. We’re often at the helm of our families and households while juggling our careers and other responsibilities. We’re perfectionists who, consciously or not, try to mask that we’re neurodivergent. We’re rarely compassionate with ourselves about the challenges we face. Instead, we’re always trying to compensate for them.

It’s even worse for women with undiagnosed ADHD, who don’t have the benefit of knowing why they spend days, weeks, even months feeling exhausted, drained, overwhelmed, and despondent.

Our emotionally dysregulated brains, which rarely leave fight-or-flight mode, often prevent us from being able to slow down and rest. But it’s what we need the most. Here’s how to recognize that you’re burned out, and how to take steps to recover.

[Read: ADHD Fatigue Is a Real (Exhausting) Thing]

1. Know the Signs of Burnout

Burnout has a way of stealthily creeping in. We often don’t know that we’re approaching burnout until it’s too late. But the signs are there. Our body is always speaking to us, and we must learn its language. Signs of burnout include but are not limited to the following:

Emotional Signs of Burnout

• feeling tired or drained most of the time
• feeling overwhelmed
• feeling like dropping it all and running away
• feeling detached and/or lonely
• thinking constant negative thoughts; having a cynical outlook
• feeling on edge
• feeling unable to “switch off”

Physical Signs of Burnout

• headaches
• insomnia
• back/neck/shoulder pain
• gut issues
• recurrent illness
• jaw clenching

2. Question the Roots of Burnout

If your job is the primary cause of your burnout, as it is for so many of us, (the World Health Organization recognizes burnout as an “occupational phenomenon”) ask yourself the following questions:

[Read: “My ADHD Unleashed a Workaholic. ‘Quiet Quitting’ Is Saving Me.”]

• What triggers me to overwork? For many people, overworking is tied to feelings of inadequacy and imposter syndrome on the job. Fear of rejection (tied to rejection sensitive dysphoria) may also be involved.
• Am I setting reasonable expectations for myself? Examine your perfectionistic tendencies. Do you set high standards for yourself and often feel like you haven’t done enough? When does this come up?
• Do I define myself by my career? How can I detach from my work self?
• Am I honoring my work style and flow? Get to know yourself — including your energy levels, interests, work rhythms and patterns, environments, and more. Personality tests and career assessments can help you understand yourself and uncover passions and purpose, which then may reshape your entire way of living.

Burnout also comes from trying to do it all. Our inner critics force us to set high standards for ourselves and tend to make us feel like we haven’t done enough.

• Notice when your inner critic creeps up. Does the critical voice appear when you try to rest? When you set boundaries for yourself? When you try to ask for help? Let the voice have it’s say but recognize the truth.

3. Set Boundaries

Be Intentional with Your Time and Mental Space

Eliminating the stressor that’s causing you to burn out is best, but not always a possibility. That’s where boundaries come in. Ask yourself these questions to become more intentional about your time and space:

• When am I saying yes to doing something when I really want to say no?
• What do I value? Time with family and friends? Being present for my children? Create a poster of all the things you value and keep it in eye view for a constant reference that guides you back to your authentic desires. Then, ask yourself if your everyday life matches up to the values you wish to uphold.
• What energizes me? What depletes me?

Stop Multitasking. Seriously.

Compared to neurotypical people, we burn a lot more cognitive energy just trying to get through the day, which is why multitasking is not a good idea for us, according to Casey Dixon, an ADHD coach. “By engaging in task switching, you are spending more of your limited energy than you can afford,” she writes. Avoid multitasking to avoid burnout.

• Set a limit to how many things you’ll put on your daily to-do list.
• Work in shorter bursts and use a Time Timer clock to easily see the passing of time.
• Cut down on unnecessary notifications and distractions that eat up your time, attention, and energy. Work-related notifications will keep you in work mode even when you’re trying to disconnect.

4. Focus on Improving Your Sleep

Sleep deprivation is a key indicator of burnout. From working late and answering that “one last email” to revenge bedtime procrastination, burnout fuels insomnia and sets off a vicious cycle. Prioritize restful sleep:

• Commit to going to bed at a set time, even if things aren’t “done.” (Your to-do list will still be there tomorrow.)
• Create a soothing bedtime routine.
• Quiet your racing mind. Try brain dumping to clear mental declutter that’s preventing you from resting.
• Avoid mindlessly scrolling through your phone while in bed. Set a timer or make it a rule to “turn off” all your social media/notifications at a specific time.

5. Do Things That Make You Happy

Schedule in time to do something that brings you real joy, like going for a walk, texting a friend, watching a funny video that makes you laugh, or reconnecting with an old hobby. Even a few minutes can break you out of the stress zone and help you feel more balanced.

6. Practice Calming Techniques

Tapping and breathing exercises are simple activities you can do every morning and throughout the day when you most need it. A bath or even a splash of cold water can calm and reset your system. You don’t have to wait until you’re stressed or overwhelmed to use these tools. You can find lots of calming techniques and tutorials in my Vimeo account here.

7. Practice Self-Compassion

Recognize that you are doing the best you can each day under your circumstances. Think to yourself (perhaps as you do a calming exercise): “Even though I’m feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and burned out, I’m going to send myself some love. I choose to feel calm. I choose to meet myself where I am. I accept how I’m feeling. I choose to believe that my situation will improve.”

Here are other helpful affirmations to help you practice self-compassion as you respect your boundaries and recover from burnout:

• It’s safe to rest.
• It’s OK to finish for today.
• I’m allowed to relax.
• I’m enough right now.
• I give myself permission to relax and recharge.
• I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
• Whatever I have done today is enough.
• I am defined beyond my career.
• I live life according to my truth and values.
• I am learning to release control and surrender more.
• Where I am in my journey is where I’m meant to be.
• I’m creating when I’m resting.
• I chose to accept that whatever I do is enough right now.

How to Recover from Burnout: Next Steps

• Free Download: How Well Are You Handling Stress?
• Read: The Antidote to ADHD Fatigue and Exhaustion? Stacking Habits (and Spoons)
• Read: “What I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before My Flaming ADHD Burnout”

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Executive function challenges play no small part in how we view and approach “adulting.” EFs affect our ability to plan, prioritize, motivate, regulate, and problem solve. While EF challenges begin in early development, they often trail into adulthood. And big life events may be delayed or missed entirely as a result.

Here, ADDitude readers tell us when they felt like they reached adulthood; a milestone that signified that achievement; or if they’re still working on the whole “adult” thing. Leave a comment at the link above if you can relate.

“Adulting” with ADHD

“I didn’t graduate college until six years after my peers, thanks to missed or dropped classes, school transfers, and alcohol abuse. I didn’t get married until I was 33. I didn’t have kids until 36 (they call that geriatric in pregnancy terms). I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 40. I would say the road to adulthood started when I quit drinking at age 25, but I didn’t truly feel like an adult until after I was diagnosed with ADHD. I started getting my life together and forgiving myself for not doing anything ‘right’ or ‘on time.’ Now 46, I probably feel how most people do at 26 or 36.” — Beth, Colorado

“I’m 69 and still feel ‘behind’ my peers. Never mind that I’ve had three successful, intellectually demanding careers and many similar hobbies. While I’m very good at those skills, anything that requires executive function (like paying bills and balancing a checkbook) is beyond me. It’s embarrassing. I am truly fearful of the possibility of my husband dying before me; that is the ultimate example of ‘overwhelm’ in my mind.” — An ADDitude reader

[ADDitude Directory: Find an ADHD Specialist]

“I’m not working toward [adulthood], I don’t want to, and I don’t think I ever will — that wouldn’t be me anymore. It doesn’t look attractive; it looks boring. I’m glad that I’m old enough not to care about being judged any more. I get satisfaction in telling others that I’m not interested in reaching normal milestones.” — Ally, UK

“At almost 44, I’m certainly not a grown up. What people see is a person with a reasonably successful career, a lovely husband, and a good home in a nice place. What I am is very different. I’m barely capable of looking after myself and, if it weren’t for my extraordinarily supportive husband, I wouldn’t remember to eat, wash, clean, or function. In order to just about cope with a career that would afford the trappings of a normal-looking life, I had to forgo having children and that kills me.” — Katy, UK

“I grew up in a wonderful, loving family that had little wealth. My parents worked nights, so in some ways, I’ve been ‘adulting’ since I was in middle school. I feel it more keenly now, in my late 40s; my friends have progressed in their careers, whereas I’m still doing the same job 15 years later. Somehow, they manage successful careers, children, volunteer work, and a social life. I’m childless and can barely manage a household of two people and two dogs! I don’t feel professional; I’m just doing a job.” — An ADDitude reader

“At 43, I am still working to attain ‘adulthood.’ My idea of successful adulting is equivalent to financial stability, or at least a version where I’m not dependent on my mother to pay my rent!” — Susan

[Read: The ADHD Guide to Saving Money]

“I’m 55 and still trying. Comorbid conditions probably impact this. I think that, as mothers, we always struggle not to compare ourselves to other moms that are neurotypical and seem to have everything together.” — An ADDitude reader

“I am always surprised when people are disappointed in me. I am nearly 50, but still feel like an awkward teenager when it comes to money, chores, and relationships.” — An ADDitude reader

“It wasn’t until I was in my mid-30s that I finally felt I had reached ‘adulthood,’ which was when I was diagnosed with ADHD and started medication management. I was finally paying my student loans on time, finishing projects at work on time, and feeling significantly less anxiety and self-doubt.” — Kara, Arkansas

“I am almost 59 years old and still amazed when I am included in ‘adult’ things. I’ve recently come to the realization that I’m probably going to feel like a kid until I take my last breath.” — Emkay

“I was recently diagnosed at 51. It was a relief since I think I’ve always been striving to be an adult in the societally expected definition. It helps explain so much about my struggles and life trajectory. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword because I’m trying to see my daily actions from a completely different lens, but I fall back on ‘you’re a failure’ more often than not.” — Michelle

“I am 60, married for 25 years, have two sons, and am still working on it! As a child, I was ahead mentally but always behind socially. Not much has changed in that respect.” — Julie

“I am 52 and was diagnosed two years ago. Chronologically, I feel like I am transitioning towards becoming a more aware and responsible adult… In reality, I am still seeing the world through the wondrous (sometimes anxious) eyes of a two-year-old. I completely burnt out at 48. I had to relearn how to function physically at a very basic level and undertook a lot of therapy to support body-mind connection. Plus, I am most likely perimenopausal now, which definitely impacts a woman with ADHD. It is complex for sure but now that I have a diagnosis, I wouldn’t change it for the world! I love the unique perspective I have.” — Jules, UK

ADHD in Adulthood: Next Steps

• Download: The Ages & Stages of ADHD
• Self-Test: Do I Have ADD?
• Read: “That Explains Everything!” Discovering My ADHD in Adulthood
• Read: Activities to Hone Executive Function Skills

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.