Thank you.

I dont know what to do. Oh yeah I have ADHD which is probably obvious. Yes I am on medication (which is working well for me), do Sports 3-5 times a week and sleep well. I also dont want to gaslight me too much, maybe I just have a gut feeling that hes not the right for me and I am not the right for him. But then again: Am I just understimulated? What should I do then?

Scorch, It was good to see your recent comment above. See my response to Jane’s comment also, and how I have moved on with my life. It is not easy to learn to love oneself, and it must be especially difficult when trying to cope with a huge disability such as ADHD or BPD. I hope you can come to terms with this and realize that you are indeed a valued member of society, with many, many qualities to offer the world. You have already reached out and benefitted many people by commenting on this forum, I am sure. I hope you will find some peace and joy in your life, as you get a better understanding of yourself and the fact that we are all different. One thing I have learnt is that there can be no change in your life unless you make changes. It sounds obvious but is not always understood. L.

Hi Jane, Can you explain what you mean by contacting “greatmutaba”? You do not say who they are and what this will achieve. I am reluctant to contact an email address unless I know more about it. Please enlarge on your comment. It may be of help to a lot of people on here. I was intrigued to go back into this forum now and re-read all my comments of a year ago, and the replies. I did, indeed, make huge changes in my life. I saw a shop for sale shortly after making these comments in September 2017 and bought it this May.(Arts and Crafts by the seaside) and I opened it 2 days ago. It has helped to get my own life back on track, but I still wonder and worry about this man I wrote at great length about a year ago. It seems that when some-one has crossed our path in life it is not that easy to just leave them behind and not wonder how they are doing. Many thanks. L.

“He gets very anxious, has OCD, gets angry very easily, cannot see my point of view, blames me for the upsets, gets paranoid and imagines things that are not true”
I don’t know, it sounds to be a fair fit to me. He may love alcohol so dearly because of the lack of dopamine.

I find that I often get very defensive when I feel like I am failing. My biggest fear as that people will discover I am a fraud. That I am not a good person and they have no reason to love me. I know this is irrational, but it’s there none the less.

What works best for me is when people ask me questions about why I did what I did, what I was expecting to happen, how it could’ve been done differently. It lets me come to my own conclusions and then I become more open to asking how I can change. Then the door is open to be told something, because I wasn’t told I did something wrong but rather That I have an opportunity to improve.

Most people with BPD can’t handle feelings, especially negative ones. So by looking at things as an opportunity to improve, it make things positive not negative and positive emotions are much easier to manage. It also lets us know that who we are is acceptable.

Hi Lorna!

I stumbled on this article and read “most” of your commment and the man you describe sounds very similar to myself, although I’ve learned to manage my addictions, mostly…

I have comorbid ADHD and BPD which from what I have read is not uncommon. I have the intense emotions with ADHD and an inability to regulate them. Then I have an inability to cope with them from the BPD that results in very turbulent relationships and dangerous behaviors. My wife and I have been together for 12 years now and married for 5 and I would be lying if I didn’t tell you almost every day is a struggle for us. But she understands my issues and loves me anyway.

I would love to connect with you and discuss this further. I would like to suggest however that you keep in mind many individuals with ADD/ADHD don’t have the attention span to read lengthy responses, or at least that is the case for me!

Lorna, this doesn’t sound like anyone I know with ADHD. Including myself. I’m not a psychiatrist, so it’s certainly *possible* that ADHD is underlying the rest of his issues, but you really didn’t mention any symptoms that fit this.
In my opinion, you could probably benefit from some good counseling regarding boundaries. You and this man you’re (in your own words) “obsessed” with are both waving some big red flags here.
I hope you have moved forward since this was posted. Best wishes to you.

I have a couple of suggestions that I hope might help. First, you might try writing a letter about whatever issue you currently need to discuss. Be careful not to accuse or imply a motive or intention, but stay objective about what happened and then state how that makes you feel. “When you (action), I feel (emotion). I would like it if you’d (state what action or response you want).”
Second, when he starts to get loud, state what he is doing. “You’re yelling at me. Please stop yelling.” Stay calm and repeat in the same tone (which is hard when in the heat of the moment) until he hears you. If you’re sure he’s heard you and still yells, I would suggest you walk away and try another time and/or another tactic.
It’s possible that he does it (maybe subconsciously) as a way to avoid bigger conflicts that he thinks will be damaging, or to avoid the blame he thinks is imminent. If he knows it will be about finding a solution, not finding fault, that may also help.
Counseling, of course, could also be helpful. If not as a couple, you can go for yourself.
Best wishes.

Thank you Jonathon for your response. I DID, however, find it rather blunt, rude and upsetting – so I hope that is your ADHD taking over, and you did not mean it that way. You did ask that I keep in touch for the sake of others on here. YOU suggested I read the book and I was simply asking if you were suggesting that it is Borderline that is the problem here, rather than ADHD. Or if they cross-over or are co-morbid – i.e. exist together. You didn’t answer that.
Regarding trying to “change” someone. That is certainly NOT what I am intending to do. I am trying to understand what his problem is. I want desperately to HELP this man, who fnds coping with life and relationships so VERY difficult. I hoped that someone on this forum may be able to point me in the right direction. I am aware that we can only change ourselves, but with self-awareness it may be clear to him that change IS necessary. It is certainly possible to change oneself. The brain is plastic and changeable – if one is willing. I have changed MY way of thinking radically, in many ways, since I have known him, and continue to seek tollerance, awareness and change through understanding. I do not think it is unreasonable to expect him to see that self-awareness, tollerance and change is also required on his part – ADHD or not. Surely that is part of ANY loving relationship. Understanding, accepting, and accommodating the one you love, and endeavouring to change oneself where change is necessary – for the sake of the relationship. I wonder if I have hit a raw nerve with you?
You said earlier to find some new “dance steps” – which I am trying to do. Yes, I fully agree, that after working on the relationship for a period of time, without the other person trying and without any perceivable results, it is probably time to walk away. For our own sanity. Particularly when ADHD is involved. I am beginning to realize that people with this condition are unable to see the others’ point of view, and have a very inflexible mind-set. So very sad. Lorna

I have no idea if your man has ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder or anything else. Everyone deserves to take good care of themselves so that they can be reasonably happy in this lifetime. Each one of us are responsible for our own happiness. When we over-focus on someone and tie our happiness to them and how they behave, life just doesn’t seem to be so “happy.” Too often, rather than accepting someone the way they are and making decisions about relationships based on that reality-based information (i.e., I accept this person the way they are and either choose to be in relationship with them or choose to not be in relationship with them) we, as a culture tend to try to change the other person into what we want them to be. But that just doesn’t work. It is like the old adage, “You can’t teach a pig to sing; it doesn’t work and it just annoys the pig.” I wish for you peace and happiness.